Clomid is EVIL!

I am on clomid for my clomid challenge test this month. I am on day 4 of 100mg of clomid. I have been on clomid once before and all I did was have hot flashes and exhaustion/fatigue & nightmares. This time (I'm on twice the dosage i was the first time and it's been about 1.5 years since then) I have fatigue/exhaustion, mood swings, irritability, hot flashes, nightmares, etc. needless to say I can't wait for this cycle to be over! LOL. I go in on 1/2 for my blood work. I'm quite excited. I'm curious what my TSH will be by then. Not to mention my FSH! I really hope it turns out to be an ok number.


I also am hoping that it shows that my endometritis is gone. However on the other hand it would be nice to be able to stay on the antibiotics for a few more weeks just to be sure the infection is gone. A friend of mine on FF says that the bacteria multiplies rapidly so if there are ANY left over it will end up coming back again. She said I should be on the meds for about 3 weeks. I'd rather do it now so it will be gone for my IVF. I'm afraid my RE will tell me it's not necessary. I'm hoping that even if he doesn't think it's necessary that he will let me go back on it. It can't hurt so why not??

Why did I do that again?

I went back and re read my entries through most of September. Why on earth did I do that? All it did was bring back all the pain of my past IVF's. Not to mention the frustration of being almost 29 with no baby. I know I'm young compared to lots of people. I want a big family thought and I wanted to be done by 35. (preferably at 32-33). I hear the comment "lots of woman in their 40's are having kids". SO? I don't want to be having my kids when I am 40.

Ok I should probably go do something and stop dwelling on this or I'll be depressed all day.

slowly finding pieces to the puzzle

Well I started Clomid today for the clomid challenge test.

I go back in for blood work on 1/2. If my FSH level is to high it will indicate diminished ovarian reserve. My FSH on day 3 was very good (6.4) Last time I was on clomid it was in 2005 and it was only 50mg. This time I'm on 100mg. The only side effect I had last time was hot flashes. At least it's not the middle of summer! :)

I also got my TSH level back. It was higher then most doctors like it to be. My level was 4.68. My doctor is going to recheck it on 1/2 when I go in for blood work. A high TSH could indicate an under-active thyroid (hypothyroid).

I've read "symptoms" of hypothyroid and I seem to have some of them. Mainly high cholesterol (yes you read that right I have high cholesterol) fatigue/exhaustion, mood swings (although that could be lots of things) and weight gain. I'm NOT over weight by any means but I have gained over 10 lbs in the past year. I was underweight for my height and now I'm on the higher end for my height (if not slightly over). I'm happy with my weight but if I keep gaining that could be another story.

I asked my doctor if I could trigger ovulation with an HCG shot this month (since my body refuses to release eggs till they are GIGANTIC and old) but he said no. he said he "wants to see" what my body does "on it's own". *sigh* I have been through this with 2 different doctors. It's like starting over. However he's the doctor so I'll do what he wants. I just figured since we are on clomid we might as well give it a shot this month. With out a trigger though I have pretty much no chance.

It's kind of frustrating to be starting from scratch with another doctor but oh well. At least he is taking the time to do these tests. I'm hoping that he will look into my thyroid further (test my T4, T3 and antithyroid antibodies) I searched online and I can't really find where it has a "normal" TSH level. One web site said it should be under 4.4. So according to that mine is not THAT bad. However woman on the FF forums say their doctors like it around a 2 for TTC. A over active (or under active)thyroid can be bad for a pregnancy. Not to mention these woman said they felt MUCH better once their thyroid was down to about a 2. I'd be curious to see if "fixing" it (getting down to a 2.0) would help me feel better. It's amazing how an over active thyroid can really mess with your entire body. I never realized how much it effects things. It even can mess up a menstrual cycle. Who knows if that's part of the reason I have issues in that area. (delayed ovulation, low progesterone due to a weak ovulation etc)

A new cycle has begun

Well I got AF yesterday. She came just as I expected. I always have a 9 day LP with out progesterone support. My ovulation on my own is so weak and crappy.

I go in on 12/26 for blood work. I'll be CD 4 but that is ok. I started AF mid day yesterday so it will be pretty close to being CD 3. I start the Clomid for the CCT on 12/27 and go in on 12/2 for my blood work to see what my FSH level is.

My AF this time is heavier and steadier. I'm hoping that means the antibiotics are working. One of the signs of Endometritis/bacterial infection is light periods. My doctors never sounded concerned that my periods were 1-2 days and very light. *rolls eyes*

You have GOT to be kidding me!

There is a girl on FF who thinks the NuvaRing will make her more fertile because she got pregnant when she was on it at the age of 18. She is now 22 yo. Her doctor put her on the NuvaRing again to help her get pregnant. Her charts indicate PCOS but she claims she doesn't have it. Yet she can go 7 months with out getting her period. UM...ok yeah that is totally normal.

My post:

to the OP It is rediculous that your doctor put you on BC to TTC. BC does not get you pregnant nor does it make you fertile.

Quote:

NuvaRing® contains two types of hormones, estrogen and progestin (just like the pill), that prevent your ovaries from producing mature eggs.

It is extremely unlikely that you will ovulate on the nuva ring. The fact that you got pregnant on it in the first place is nothing but a complete miracle. Your temps don't indicate ovulation. The reason they are probably spiking is because the NuvaRing has progesterone in it and progesterone causes high temps.

Kara-Your temps also don't indicate ovulation. FF may put lines on your chart but don't always trust what FF says. Your temp dipped so my guess is you have not ovulated yet. I'm thinking FF will take way your lines in a day or so or give you new ones.

Sorry if my post sounds harsh. If it's offensive please let me know and I will delete my post. I hate to say it but it sounds like your doctor is wasting your time. Have you tried clomid yet? Your charts appear as though you have PCOS?

Her reply:

Hvnst2: I appreciate you opinion, but you do not know the situation. I have already gotten pregnant on the NR once, and have a beatiful 4 year old to prove it. My temps, if you look, have been 100% erratic before I got on the NR. I had a progesterone test today proving that I did indeed ovulate. My CNM called me with the restults an hour ago. My Prog. at the beginning of my cycle was normal for Pre-O and it is now above 50. I have low progesterone due to weight as it is. I dont not have PCOS, which was the original assumtion I made. That was proven incorrect - perfect ovaries ZERO cysts... yay! My CNM is not wasting anything as I've already been TTC for four years.

I know several women of "size" that have gotten pregnant on the NR. It does not work to prevent pregnancy if you're weight is a certain amout out of the "normal" range for your height, says so on the foil pouch and the instructions.

Your post doesnt seem harsh, a little unsupportive but I can understand why. Most people frown at BC to achieve pregnancy, but it's been done before. A lot of docs put women on BC to regulate cycles. Granted, once off the BC they are right back to where they were... but we're hoping that this isnt the case w/me.

Obviously it's working since my progesterone shows I've ovualted. If i am not pregnant this cycle, we're going to do u/s next cycle to check follies and see where we're at with that.

Clomid is usually not Rx'd for over weight women as it has a tendancy to cause weight gain, and lots of it. It may be the next step, but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. As of now, NR is doing what it did before and I'll let you know when I'm pregnant.

Merry Christmas & God bless.

My reply:

Well good luck. I certainly hope you prove me wrong. I guess you can't blame me for feeling the way I do. It just seems silly to go on BC to achieve pregnancy. I've never ever heard of that being done before (besides being put on the BCP to suppress my ovaries for IVF).

I wish you all the luck in the world and will look for your BFP announcement but no need to pm me or anything.

I have never been this annoyed in my life. This annoys me more then Brittany spears 16 yo sister getting knocked up.

Am I off base here? How on earth can someone be stupid enough to think that BC helps you get pregnant? The NuvaRing has estrogen and progesterone in it for goodness sakes. You'd be lucky to ovulate and if you get pregnant it is a miracle.

Just as the pain subsided. Just when I finally got myself back. Right when I was finally feeling happy again. I have to go read a post like that. All it does is bring back all the pain. All I want to do is just go cry. Why did I have to read that post? Why couldn't I just stick to my IVF recyclers forum? I try to be a nice person and go on the other boards and respond to posts with helpful information. Occasionally I stumble upon a post like the aforementioned.

Now my question is this: How long will it take for this pain to go away again?

Finally done!

I finished my Christmas shopping today. I've never done shopping this late in the season. I don't even want to ad up how much money we spent. It makes me sick to think about it. It just wasn't a good year. Getting both heating systems in our appartement building replaced and the down payment on our car really has put us on a strict budget. By the end of January we should be fine. It's just all the christmas gifts that has kind of put us on a very tight budget for a few months. I have no idea why...we are always able to pay out bills and save money every month. Oh well, it's teaching us what it's like to have to pinch pennies for a change...and.... I HATE IT!!! LOL. Jon is on School break and will be working full time for a month so that will help!

I'm feeling great about taking time off before I do my next IVF. I'm so happy I get to do the clomid challenge test next month. I doubt I'd get pregnant but if the bacteria is cleared up then I'd like to take advantage of it and try next month. I'm dreading even doing another IVF. See this is what happens when I take time off from IVF. it's so much easier to handle if I just start BCP after I get AF. Once I realize how nice it is to have my mental/physical health back to normal it makes it very very hard to even think about doing another IVF. Last time I took 3 months off in between IVF #2 and #3. I had an anxiety attack after I got off the phone with the nurse. I cried for days. I felt sick to my stomach. Why any of us have to go through this is beyond me.

Anyhow, point is I'm enjoying being me again. :)

can we postpone Christmas?

I just can't get myself in the Christmas spirit. I STILL need to send out Christmas cards and I haven't even bought gifts yet! DH and I do our shopping online but since we have 1 week till Christmas we might have to venture into the stores *gulp*

I don't have a Christmas tree or any Christmas decoration in the house yet. I do have my decoration in the living room but they are still in the plastic container!

DH & I cleaned a bit this weekend. We also decided to re-arrange the living room on a whim. It looks much better the way it is.

I wish I could snap out of it and get myself excited for Christmas but I just can't. Maybe getting a Christmas tree will help. I need to figure out where we are putting it so we can get one tomorrow!

Update: I did my Christmas cards today. I still have a few I need to do but those I don't have to mail ( for Church friends) Now I just need to order our Christmas gifts (Jon and I are avid online shoppers) it's great to shop in your PJ's!

Good post from Dr. Sher

Here is what Dr. Sher himself posted on his forums (one of the founders and a good RE from SIRM -Sher institute)

Quote:
…………………………………….It is unfortunately not often appreciated that IVF should never be undertaken without a prior, thorough and comprehensive clinical and psychological evaluation. IVF is an emotional, financial and physical roller coaster which is only worth contemplating when you have reasonable expectations about the outcome. It is simply not good enough to jump right in to the process without undergoing an in-depth assessment of all the variables that can impact outcome. Always remember…., IVF is a classic example of the "chain being as strong as it’s weakest link". So “plan the trip, before taking the ride” or be prepared for a poor outcome.

Simply because a woman conceives once does not mean that she is just as likely (or even able) to be successful again. Let me pose two (2) theoretical examples to clarify what I mean:

Example #1: A woman with endometriosis has one baby with fertility drugs than cannot get pregnant a second time after repeated attempts with the same treatment: All women with endometriosis (regardless of severity) inevitably have to contend with the existence of “peritoneal toxins” in the pelvic secretions on the surface of and surrounding their ovaries, tubes and uteri .When upon ovulation, eggs pass from the ovary to the tube(s), they come in contact with this “toxic peritoneal factor” which renders the envelopment of the egg(the zona pellucida) less pregnable to sperm. As a consequence, such eggs subsequently 4 to 6 times less likely to be successfully fertilized upon arriving in the Fallopian tube(s).. This explains why a 35year old woman who has endometriosis will have about a 3% chance of conceiving per month of trying as compared with about 15% in for fertile woman of the same age. The “toxic peritoneal factor impacts on eggs that are ovulated (whether spontaneously or following the use of fertility drugs) and serves to explain why the chance of pregnancy is much reduced in normally ovulating women with endometriosis, regardless of whether fertility drugs and/or intrauterine insemination is used , or whether endometriotic deposits are removed surgically. An ovulating woman who fits the bill as outlined above in example #1, does have a chance (albeit markedly reduced) but this chance is markedly compromised and can only be improved by side tracking the toxins in the pelvis through IVF. .AND if such a woman were to conceive following spontaneous or induced, her chances of repeating her good fortune again, by the same approach would revert to being much reduced. It would be wrong for her or her physician to assert otherwise. But alas, all to often the prior pregnancy leads to a sense of false confidence that the same good fortune will again occur, just as easily as the first time. Often times this results in women trying cycle after cycle , often for years , only to be rewarded by “failure” and despondency. Eventually time runs out as, her egg quality declines with age and her ovarian reserve becomes depleted as she gets nearer to the pre-menopause.

Example #2: A 36 year old woman with endometriosis does IVF, has a baby but cannot conceive a few years later after trying IVF again and again and again…. The reason might be that 30% of women with endometriosis develop uterine natural killer cell activation (NKa) . This might not have occurred to the extent of precluding a viable pregnancy by her first IVF attempt, but now is in full force…resulting in a profound immunologic implantation problem. Going to IVF was appropriate but failure to keep an eye open for an emerging immunologic implantation problem…was in my opinion constitutes an error of omission. She might well have had another IVF baby had she undergone NKa down-regulation with IVIG 7-14 days prior to embryo transfer and perhaps had one follow up IVIF infusion upon the diagnosis of pregnancy!

So, simply because one confounding issue (e.g natural killer cell activation [NKa] is detected does not mean that other issues are not coexisting or in the process of developing.

my favorite part is his conclusion

Quote:

This is one of my biggest gripes about how IVF is often conducted because failure to perform a THOROUGH and comprehensive evaluation in all women undergoing IVF represents a serious error of omission and one that fundamentally compromises the chance of a success birth following IVF. After all, this is NOT about doing IVF, it is about having a baby and the cost of the latter not the former is what counts. Simply stated, if treatment for IVF is approached correctly and all variables that affect seed (embryo) quality and Soil (uterine receptivity) are evaluated and addressed thoroughly upfront, then the cost per baby (emotional, physical and financial goes DOWN). If you now cannot afford to be properly and thoroughly reassessed and treated, do not do another IVF. Save your money for the child you already have been blessed with!

The results are in

I had my follow up appointment with my new RE today. When we did the Hystersocopy he also took a piece of my uterine lining so he could do a biopsy. As I stated in an earlier entry the hysteroscopy showed that everything looked fine. However my biopsy results showed I have Chronic Endometritis (NOT to be confused with Endometriosis!)

If you read the definition of Chronic You'll read that it means it can often come back. My RE said it can be treated with an antibiotic. Jon and I will take it for 10 days. I have taken this before when I had Ureaplasma. It's discusting and makes me feel ill. Funny thing is it's also prescribed for Acne.

Anyhow, Endometritis makes it very hard for implantation to happen and if it does the pregnancy will more then likely end before you even get a positive pregnancy test (also known as a biochemical pregnancy) I'll take the antibiotics then be retested after 10 days. :)

What's funny is my first doctor attempted to do an endometrial biopsy (biopsy of my lining) when I first seeked fertility treatments but they couldn't get into my uterus due to my bent cervix (anteverted uterus) Once they figured out that they could do it (by bending the catheter) she opted to not bother to do the test. MY IVF doctor also said I didn't need one...even though I asked a few times. I swear if this goes away and I get pregnant I'll be happy but very mad that these doctors wasted my time. Not to mention all the emotional stress I've gone through. This is a very simple procedure! GRRRRRRRR!!!

I'm glad they found a problem but man does it make me mad that they didn't do what I wanted. I 'm tempted to write a letter to them. However I want to see if it "fixes" my infertility first.

Snowed in

We got a snow storm yesterday. Yesterday morning in a meeting my boss pretty much told us that we live in new england and we need to suck it up LOL. Where she does have a valid point my concern is not my driving it's how other people drive. They literally drive up to your bumper, cut you off, think they rule the road because they have a 4x4. SO instead of going home at 1:00 like my gut was telling me to I put my big girl pants on and stayed at work. Needless to say traffic was so bad there was no way for me to leave work. Not unless I wanted to be sitting in traffic for 4+ hours. It literally took my co worker 1 hour to get from the ON RAMP to the actual beginning of the interstate. Yes you heard me right. That is about 50 feet give or take. IT took her 15 minutes just to get through a traffic light. Needless to say I was stuck here. TO make a LONG story short I got home at 7:30 last night. My back hurts from me being so tense in the car. I am scared to death of driving in the snow. "why do you live in New england" you ask? The only thing that keeps me here is...well my love for new england, but more importantly my family. I would be completely miserable if I was away from my family. We are 5 minutes from my in laws and I LOVE it. I'm 2 hours away from my mom and that is far enough. I'd prefer to live 5 minutes from her too. :)

Anyhow, I'm glad it's over and I"m glad this weekends storm is coming over the weekend. I can't wait till I can be a SAHM. That way I can hibernate in the wintertime (with the exception of carting any potential kids around town)

On another note. My insurance nightmare continues to get worse.

FYI-I am grateful to have insurance so please don't let my diary entry make people think I'm not. It's like me expecting someone that is pregnant to not complain about m/s . (which I would never do BTW)

so I got the $5,500 bill in the mail the other day. It's from my IVF clinic and it's only for a portion of my first IVF (I've been through 3). After MANY phone calls (close to 11) I found out that for some reason Anthem's billing (or what ever) is out of California and they have different billing codes so they don't recognize ours. They paid part of the bill but not all of it. (Denied my claim). SO I have to battle this thing out. Not only do I have the insurance but I have a letter stating exactly what I have for coverage. I also am going to have my IVF clinic fax me copies of the approval from Anthem (they have to "approve" my IVF before I'm able to do it) and when I say approve it means they say "yes she has coverage and here is the coverage she has."

So they tell me the billing code is wrong but they won't tell me nor my doctors office what codes we have to use. (stupid huh?) Needless to say I emailed my Anthem rep (the guy that sold my company the plan) and explained this to him and asked who I needed to call because I wasn't getting any where with the people I called (the number on the back of my card) I'm still waiting a response. And I"m sure I can look forward to getting 2 more of these bills. *sigh*

Anyhow, that's my story. Hopefully it won't take me long to get them to pay.

More consults

I set up a consult with Dr. Fisch with SRIM Las Vagas. SIRM NY is closer but Dr. Sher doesn't do free phone consults and they refuse to charge it to insurance. Besides I like how Dr. Fisch responded to my post on the forums. I'm excited to talk to him and learn more about the protocol he suggested.

I wish I could get my husband to agree on CCRM. Unfortunately he thinks that traveling for an IVF is silly. He'd do it if they could guarantee a pregnancy but we all know that is NOT possible.

I have a second consult with DR. hill (the local RE) on Friday. I want to talk to him about different protocols he'd be willing to try. I'm hoping I have my records from BIVF by then. It will give him a better idea of how my cycles went. I am concerned about his approach which is why I want to talk to him in detail.

I'm glad I'm doing the Clomid challenge test but I'm not at the same time. If I was sticking with BIVF I'd be starting the BCP for IVF #4 when I get AF again. Oh well...1 more month off would be good emotionally and it will be nice to know if I pass the Clomid challenge test. :)

My bloat is finally gone. I'm back down to my normal weight. I was up 5 lbs! I'm MUCH more comfortable now.

CCRM

Well I had my consult with CCRM last night. I was really tired though so I didn't as as many questions as I should have. They are the top clinic in the US though. (I have no clue how they rate these clinics. Cornell is #2 and their success rates is about 30% lower then CCRM's) I have talked to a few of my FF friends who have gone there. The first thing CCRM does is have you go down there for 1 full day of testing. Literally ALL day. Apparently their equipment is top notch. Some of the testing includes:
Checking the blood flow to the uterus (they have a special machine for that)
Checking the size of your ovaries & your antral counts
HSG etc, etc.

No wonder they are the top clinic in the US. They check for every thing regardless of your age! It's GREAT! Now if only I could convince my husband to let me go there. He thinks it's ridiculous to fly out there. Yes to people who have not gone through what I have it may sound ridiculous. Their success rates are about 25-30% higher then any clinic here in new england though. Jon's problem is 'what if we go there and we don't end up pregnant?' Well if CCRM can't get me pregnant then I throw in the towel! I would rather not waste my time here with the clinic my husband wants me to go to but oh well. I agreed that I'd give this guy a chance. 1 chance and that is it. If this cycle fails I'm going to go to CCRM for my 5th (and LAST) IVF. I talked to Dr. Schoolcraft last night and he is under the impression that I have poor egg quality and I'm a poor responder. There for I need a better and more aggressive approach

of course I'm still hoping that by some miracle we will get pregnant in the mean time but I don't see if happening. "sooner then you think." the words from a recent blessing rings in my ears. "yeah right" is all I can say. I don't even think I'll believe it when I finally see two pink lines.

On another note I posted a question about repronex on the SIRM forums. They are a very good clinic (not as good as CCRM but still very highly rated on the FF forums) Here is what I posted:

"IVF #1 antagonist protocol 150 iu gonal f & ganerellix when first follie was 14mm
8 follies, 7 eggs, 1 bad quality, 6 ICSI'd, 3 fertilized 2 made it to day 3 transfer. 1 "perfect" highest grade 8 cell and 1 "ok" 5 cell embryo's transfered

IVF #2. long lupron. 225 gonal f. 10 units till AF then 5 units lupron. 3 follies, 3 eggs all ICSI'd 1 fertilized, poor quality-stopped dividing (was 10 cells by day 2 and 11 cells by day 3, still 11 cells on day 4)

IVF #3 antagonist 225 gonal f. ganerellix when follie was 14mm. 9 follicles, only 3 eggs retrieved. 3 fertilized with ICSI. 2 made it to day 2. both 5 cells and an "ok grade" (2 on a scale of 3-1)

The Re that did those IVF's thought it might be egg quality. I am switching Re's. Had a hystersocopy and all was normal. Doing CCT next cycle to check FSH (was 7.7 FSH and 44.4 e2 in march on CD3)

Ths is a long post but is there any chance that repronex will help with egg quality? I have no idea why only 3 were retrieved. I know I didn't ovulate because they got the fluid...just no egg.

If I do repronex should I get my LH/testosterone checked on day 3 to make sure I don't produce to much on my own?

Here is the response one of their RE's gave me:

"Repronex might be helpful at the end of stimulation. However, we think that adding it at the beginning of stim may make the egg quality worse. We also do not like the way they are using Ganarelix. By starting when a follicle is 14mm, they are letting your eggs be exposed to your own male hormones at the beginning of the cycle. many women like you are actually overly sensitive to male hormone. This means a small amount can still cause a lot of effect. For this reason measuring the male hormone levels won't help. I don't recommend a CCCT either. You have already shown by your previous response that you need a more aggressive approach.

Bad egg quality is the main cause of IVF failure, as well as early miscarriage. It is important to remember though, that egg quality in a given cycle is determined until you actually ovulate that egg. So even if you have done poorly in the past, you may do better in a subsequent cycle, especially if we get the stimulation right.

We have developed a specialized approach to treating women like you. We call it agonist antagonist conversion, with estrogen priming. If you contact me directly I would be happy to review this with you in more detail."

then he left his email so I could email him for further information. He does have a valid point and it makes me question Dr. Hill's (my new RE) approach. I talk to Dr. Hill again on Friday so we'll see. I do think that I need a protocol specifically for egg quality but I also need someone that will be aggressive. I'm going to email the RE from SIRM to ask him further questions. Like this "is there any way to slow down the growth of my follicles? It seems as though upping my dosage would make me stim longer rather then get more eggs.

bloat

I am still bloated! I've been bloated since my IVF failed. I have no idea what is going on. At times my abdominal area gets tight and feels stretched to the max. I had my Hysteroscopy on Friday and have gained 3-4 lbs since then! I meet with my new RE on Friday so I'll bring it up to him then. It certainly makes me uncomfortable. I am so bloated I look pregnant. It's disgusting.

clean and clear

So Jon and I paid $200 today and used my only left vacation time this year to find out that my uterus is perfectly clear. Granted I'm glad we know but it's frustrating to know I had to fork up $200 that I couldn't afford right now and use my only vacation day (which I was using to go with the family next weekend). Oh well. At least we know.

Next month is my CCT. I'm sure that will show I"m normal too. Granted I'd love to be "normal" but I'd also like a stinking answer as to what my problem is!

I'm going to request PGD this cycle and if we can't do that I want Assisted Hatching and embryo glue. MY new RE wants to wait till IVF #2 with him (IVF #5 as a whole) but I don't' see the point in waiting. I may not have insurance after 4/1/07 and This is the last cycle I can really squeeze in before then. Either way I want embryo glue and I'd like Assisted hatching even if we had blasts to transfer (if they were not hatched already). I doubt I'll have enough embryos to do PGD but we'll see. Might as well give it a shot if it's covered.

Becasue we are doing the CCT (clomid challenge test) My IVF is pushed back till Feb. I will start BCP mid January and stims in Feb. If I was doing my stims in January I could fit another cycle in before April. Oh well. Lets just hope #4 is the charm.

RE said to abstain this month due to hsyteroscopy but I have not even ovulated yet so It won't effect a pregnancy. Besides my eggs are crap with out being triggered so the chances of me getting pregnant on my own are about 1%. But hey I'll take 1%.

Consult #1

Jon and I met with Dr. Hill today. (Fertility centers of new england). Jon and I both liked him. After our consult Jon told me he never liked Dr. Bayer and he likes Dr. Hill. He feels as though Dr. Hill cares about us and really wants to find out what is wrong. So here is the plan:

This Friday I go to the Portsmouth Hospital and Dr. Hill will do a hysteroscopy . He was VERY nice and said that he will give me general anesthesia so I won't feel any pain. His exact words were "you've been through enough." Most people are awake for the procedure (it's similar to an embryo transfer). The only draw back is I won't be able to go back to work after because of the anesthesia and can't be left alone. Jon can't get out of work so I'm not sure what we will do yet. YIKES!!

Then next month he wants to do the clomid challenge test this basically helps determine the "quality" of my eggs and my reserve. If the FSH is to high on day 3 (or day 10) it means I could have diminished ovarian reserve

On one hand I could REALLY use an emotional and physical break from these IVF treatments. So on that hand I'm glad I have to have these tests done (not to mention they will give him a better idea of why we are not pregnant)

On the other hand I may lose my infertility coverage come April 1st. Which means this could be the last cycle under my insurance (Liberty mutual will cover $10k lifetime max. we' be lucky to get 1 cycle MAYBE 2 -doubt it- out of that) so there is still hope I guess. BUT because of the possible change in insurance I feel pressured (by myself) to cycle again right away. I know it's best to get the tests done.

Also, I know the chances are slim to none of getting pregnant on our own but I wanted to at least try own our own. However we can't try if we are getting this hysteroscopy done. I mean my chances are slim on my own because my follicles get WAY to big before they ovulate an egg. If the egg gets to big it gets to be bad quality. SO my chances of conceiving on my own are very very slim.

Well I'm exhausted and hungry so I guess I will go get something to eat and try to not think about this any more.

The one draw back is he does 2 day transfers because he is a believer that they are better off in the uterus. If I only had 2 embryo's to chose from then yes put them back sooner. But if I have 3 or more then I'd rather go to day 3 or 5. With IVF #1 & IVF #3 I had 3 embryos on day 2 but by day 3 I only had 2. It just makes me weary.

I'm ready for this to be done. I'm sick of doing IVF's. I feel like giving up. I just want a baby. To bad it can take years to get a baby through adoption. :(

Sensitive

I can't remember the last time I was this sensitive. I cry almost every time I see a baby. I saw a young woman (much younger then me) go pick up her daughter because she was crying and I had to go to the bathroom to compose myself (I was at church choir). today in church I couldn't help but fight back the tears. In every lesson someone compared it to motherhood. I think that the woman in my ward are quick to forget about those that don't have babies and quick to assume that it's because we are not trying. In relief society today I couldn't help but start crying. The lesson was about depression. (I won't get into details). Anyhow, everyone was talking about how people get depression because they have a low self esteem. I had to pipe up (trying not to cry) and explain that sometimes depression can come from things in life we can't control. Like righteous desires. I talked about how it's hard to accept the Lords time. Anyhow, I tried to keep myself composed but just couldn't.

I hate how sensitive I am right now. I'm back to not wanting to be around pregnant woman any more. I also find that sometimes I don't even want Jon to touch me. Most of the time I just want him to leave me alone. It's not his fault that this is happening. I have no idea why I do it but I do.