Sunday, January 27, 2008

numb

Most recently I have begun to feel numb to the IVF process. I'm not scared any more, I'm not hopeful I'm just going with the flow. At first I thought it was because I trusted my new RE...and I do trust him more then my last...however the past few days I've been able to think about how I'm feeling and I think it is more of a numb feeling...after all the failures I've had I've given up on hope...ok maybe I said that wrong. I still hope it will work but I've got more of an "I don't care" or "what ever happens, happens" attitude. I mean I'm not scared of a failure let's face it I have a higher chance of this not working then working at this point.

There were 2 new babies born in our ward. One of them was in church today (born on Tuesday). I couldn't bring myself to go say congratulations to her. As a matter of fact I've been quite cold to her since I found out she was pregnant. She had 2 kids with her previous marriage and this one was (and I could be wrong here) an "oops." It drives me nuts. "oops" babies and honeymoon babies.

I guess I'm trying to distance myself from that. Speaking of babies I offered for my BIL and his wife to stay with DH and I when they come here this summer. My BIL doesn't have a job yet and my SIL is a SAHM to my 8 month old nephew. he will be 14 months old when they come here. I'm hoping they can find a job and a place to stay but if not they are welcome to stay here. I guess it would be nice to have a child in the house but then again it might be hard too. I just pray that I'm pregnant by the time May or June rolls around. Not only will May be our 3 year mark but in June I'll be turning 29. 29 and no children. Now if I only wanted a few babies then I'd be ok with that, but I want a big family and I don't want my body telling me when it's done.

Well I guess I should go find something constructive to do with my day rather then sit here and dwell on the fact that I'm not pregnant.

"sooner then you'll think." Those words still haunt me.... what ever.

Oh and I'm sick of having baby dreams. Dreams of giving birth, dreams of babies, dreams of getting a BFP. I wish it would just go away.

17 more days of the BCP but who's counting. :) ...and isn't it stupid that the BCP is part of the IVF process?

2 comments:

M said...

You have been through way more than your fair share. But everything is coming together for you now. You never had a chance with an infection and with a high TSH. But now you do!!!

I sooo understand the frustration of oops and honeymoon babies! Not fair.

Hang in there Amy. Doors are opening for you.

Jennifer said...

17 more days of bcp's :)
It is so ironic that we have to use bcp's to kick-start a cycle...strange!

I'm praying for you and I'm hopeful this next cycle will be the ONE!