Time for a change

I can't stand my job any more. I thought I'd like the way they designed my new "position" (didn't have a choice in the matter either) Well I don't. I realized I'm doing a LOT more work and I don't think I'm going to make nearly as much as I did last year. It's hard to estimate since I'm commissioned. It's hard to say really. I could end up making just as much. I guess the biggest issue is I just don't like my job. I haven't for a long time. I want out of sales.

I've been searching and have found 2 jobs I am interested in. 1 I'm VERY interested in and I "qualify" it pays about $10k less per year then I make right now but it would be worth it. Only problem? It doesn't tell you the name of the company and uses a yahoo email address and a P.O box for resume's. I highly doubt it's my company but what if it was? Again I very highly doubt it but I'm not sure if I can take that chance. I know the chances of that are slim since my company is firing people not hiring but you never know. They are quite sneaky like that too.

I guess it doesn't matter much since I need my health insurance through March for my IVF. *sigh*

numb

Most recently I have begun to feel numb to the IVF process. I'm not scared any more, I'm not hopeful I'm just going with the flow. At first I thought it was because I trusted my new RE...and I do trust him more then my last...however the past few days I've been able to think about how I'm feeling and I think it is more of a numb feeling...after all the failures I've had I've given up on hope...ok maybe I said that wrong. I still hope it will work but I've got more of an "I don't care" or "what ever happens, happens" attitude. I mean I'm not scared of a failure let's face it I have a higher chance of this not working then working at this point.

There were 2 new babies born in our ward. One of them was in church today (born on Tuesday). I couldn't bring myself to go say congratulations to her. As a matter of fact I've been quite cold to her since I found out she was pregnant. She had 2 kids with her previous marriage and this one was (and I could be wrong here) an "oops." It drives me nuts. "oops" babies and honeymoon babies.

I guess I'm trying to distance myself from that. Speaking of babies I offered for my BIL and his wife to stay with DH and I when they come here this summer. My BIL doesn't have a job yet and my SIL is a SAHM to my 8 month old nephew. he will be 14 months old when they come here. I'm hoping they can find a job and a place to stay but if not they are welcome to stay here. I guess it would be nice to have a child in the house but then again it might be hard too. I just pray that I'm pregnant by the time May or June rolls around. Not only will May be our 3 year mark but in June I'll be turning 29. 29 and no children. Now if I only wanted a few babies then I'd be ok with that, but I want a big family and I don't want my body telling me when it's done.

Well I guess I should go find something constructive to do with my day rather then sit here and dwell on the fact that I'm not pregnant.

"sooner then you'll think." Those words still haunt me.... what ever.

Oh and I'm sick of having baby dreams. Dreams of giving birth, dreams of babies, dreams of getting a BFP. I wish it would just go away.

17 more days of the BCP but who's counting. :) ...and isn't it stupid that the BCP is part of the IVF process?

Protocol for IVF #4

I met with my RE today. Here is my protocol:

BCP 1/20 - 2/13. Go in on 2/16 for blood work and u/s. If no AF I still go in and get it done.
Start stims on CD 2 or 2/16 if my b/w comes back ok.

He is lowering my dosage back to 15o (I was on 225 last time and had 9 follicles but only 3 eggs retrieved) I'm very nervous about the dosage specially since I only had 3 follies on 100mg of clomid. he said that concerned him a bit (I had 3 follies on 50mg back in 2005 so my response is getting worse).

I will ad ganerellix when my lead follie is 14mm (done this protocol twice) and start repronex when he tells me to.

I asked him to give me more antibiotics even though my biopsy came back clean so he wrote me a prescription for another weeks worth. He said on CD 2 DH and I take a very large dosage (1000mg) of zithromax (spelling?).

I have decided to just try to trust my RE and not second guess him. He is trying to get me to stim longer (I stim to quickly) but I'm afraid the 150iu (which I was on for all my IUI's and IVF #1) won't give me a lot of follicles. I mean for my IUI's I had about 6-8 follies on 150IU..same thing for IVF #1. For IVF #2 I was over supressed with lupron and only got 3. My last IVF I was on 225 IU gonal F and still only had 8-9 follicles. I'm very confused.

Oh there was one freak IUI cycle where I had 13 follies on 150iu. Man I wish that would happen again!!

I am also using PIO this time and a higher dosage of HCG. He thinks the ovidrel wasn't strong enough, hence my eggs not releasing from the follicle wall and only getting 3 out of 9.

He also says he can get a mature egg out of a 14mm follicle (based on all the cycles he's done over the years) so that makes me feel a little bit better too.

I'm nervous but oh well.

Today DH found out that he is being let go from his job as of 1/31. he is an intern and his boss is letting him go because his trainer doesn't like him. How freaking stupid is that??? We are both SOOOOO mad. The good thing is he has an interview next week to see if he can get a job in another department (a job for when he graduates) but we need the money now so now not only does he have to find a job for the semester but he has to send out his resume's for when he graduates. This company told him they wanted him for the position then she goes and lets him go. The thing is he is better at the job then the "trainer" is and she didn't like him because of it. Not to be prideful but my husband is a very ahrd worker and very good at what he does. He fixed things that the engineers (the IT people that deal with deep issues) couldn't fix. The fix they gave him didn't work but he found a way to fix it.

needless to say I'm very stressed right now and on top of it I have a talk to give on Sunday and I just found out my SIL and her husband just went inactive. Not a surprise as I did see this coming since they went to the temple together. Oh well...I'm sad for them but it's their decision to make. I have to say I saw this coming months ago.

Schedule for IVF #4

Today is CD 1. AF found me last night. Shocker...

Start BCP tomorrow. Take till Feb 13th. (need to take at least 21 days and have to stop on a Wednesday-stupid to make me go that long but oh well).

Call on Feb 11 to see if ins approval has gone through (they refuse to submit it until DH has his SA on 1/23. I told them my ins will approve ICSI with out a new SA but they don't care. *rolls eyes*. What ever. Anyhow, I got in on 2/16. I'm assuming it's for blood work and an u/s? I really don't know since I may be just getting AF by then.

I stim for about 8-9 days (9 if I'm lucky) so depending on what day I start my period and what dayIi start stims I should have ER around 2/28. My Re does only 2 day transfers so ET will be 2 days after that. I'm still not sure how I feel about 2 day transfers but I'll trust him I guess.

Guess it doesn't matter if I get a ton of eggs this month. all I need is 2 on day 2. however having some to freeze would be great...only bad side is my ins said they don't cover the freezing...everything but freezing LOL

Still scared to start this process for the 4th time. Oh man do I wish I could just do an FET. How nice that would be. It (to me) would be so much less stress then this entire procedure for a 4th fresh cycle. *sigh*

Yeah so I'm really starting to doubt the words "it will happen soon". Um...what ever...am I being punished or something? Why hasn't it happened yet? It's been MONTHS since I've gotten that blessing and I won't get pregnant on the BCP..I mean COME ON! PULEEEEEEESSSS

O.K rant over.

Vacation & ramblings

DH and I went away this weekend. We both took Friday off and went to North Conway (we honey mooned there). We stay in the same cabin every year. It's nice. We got to do a TON of shopping on Saturday. We were out for 7 hours! We did take a break to see "I am legend" (good movie) and to eat lunch.

It was nice to get away from work and spend some quality time with DH. However work is very stressful. I haven't slept well in 3 days. The kicker is I wake up and I'm not tired so that's good I guess. But night time is not something I look forward to now. I hate tossing and turning. Not being able to get comfortable, not being able to shut my brain off. To dream of work, wake up for no reason thinking of work and the stress.

I told DH I don't know how much more of it I can take and I can't promise what I'll do when he graduates. My job position has been changed because we are being put on sales teams. I have 2 outside sales reps and a coordinator on my team. One of my sales reps...well is going to take some work and my pay check depends on how well they do. They are supposed to hand over all their accounts for me to handle so I can keep them up and up sell them ( I work for a newspaper/media company) into our various products. Anyhow, it's stressful and even though I got a very nice "raise" this year in actuality it's not a raise....I made $6k more then my boss estimated I would last year. Well that $6k was considered "bonuses" so my raise is taken on the amount she said I would have made not what I actually made. Doesn't make sense to me. Anyhow, hard to explain. With the new pay scale it will be a LOT harder for me to get those aforementioned bonuses. I have a feeling I'll be making less money which stinks. However if I am making more money it will give me a very good reason to get done when DH graduates college and starts working full time.

Speaking of work I have to leave or I'll be late

vent

Man people on FF can really get defensive. Now I remember why I stay away from most of the boards. I stick to my buddy groups and the IVF recyclers forum. I never ever butt heads with the girls there. The only reason I still have a membership is because of the friendships I have made.

I realize that being in your twenties and 30's is considered "young" but it kind of also irritates me when woman in their mid to late 30's say they are still "young" in the TTC game when that is just not the truth (in my opinion) in you late 30's your body really starts to wind down. There is a good reason that over 35 you can see a specialist after 6 months...and you can transfer more then 2 embryo's with IVF. The fact of the matter is with lots of woman your egg quality starts to slowly diminish. It bothers me that just because woman are waiting to have kids (for what ever reasons) till their 40's it makes us that are in their 20's and 30's very "young". I can't even go on to describe how much that bothers me.

anyhow, I had to get that off my chest. I think I'll stay away from FF today.

Oh the pain

My RE refused to let me trigger this month. He said he wanted to "see" what my body did on it's own. Yet he only brought me in for an u/s on CD 12 and that was it. I told them ovulation is painful if left to ovulate on my own. It's happened once before and it was terrible. The pain brings me to my knees much like a bursting cyst. I also hurt for about 2 days after. It felt exactly like I had an egg retrieval. The same thing happened this month. I ovulated 2 days ago and I'm still in pain. I am so bloated my pants don't fit. (no weight gain though so that is good). This never happened until I started IVF's so I wonder what is wrong??? I suppose it could have been a cyst but I had a natural cycle before this on and I only get cysts after a medicated cycle so I'm confused and frustrated. I left a message with my new RE's nurse but I don't expect them to call me back. It's like people don't care. If I got to lay in bed all day it wouldn't be such a big deal. But I've got to work and I have to wear uncomfortable clothes.

Anyhow, It hurts so bad that I can't check my CP. (the day of O that is) I touched it and I wanted to cry. Needless to say there was NO way DH and I were going to be able to BD. We did about 2 days before ovulation so I'm pretty much out this cycle. Why do I even think that it could work? I guess because the words from my blessing rings in my ears "it will happen sooner then you think." I'm holding on tight to that but to be honest I'm having a hard time believing it. Clomid makes CM hostile for sperm so if they even survived 48-72 hours it would be a miracle. not to mention if the egg/embryo made a baby.

Oh well. I start the BCP with CD 2. Now lets just hope DH's SA goes fine and my insurance company approves the IVF quickly so I don't have to post pone my IVF. I'll be beyond angry if I have to post pone it.

Their rules are stupid. They don't have to wait to process the approval but they are. I hate it when doctors do that...when they treat you the same way they do everyone else. It ticks me off.

At least this RE did some tests and found some problems. So I really can't be THAT mad at him.

Vent

My new Re's office is a pain in the tail. They won't process the insurance approval for my IVF till I get my husbands SA done. He had an SA scheduled last week but we canceled it. They didn't tell me tat they can't do an insurance approval with out it. They said "most insurance companies require 2 SA's to approve ICSI." Well I told them Mine DOESN'T!!!! Regardless that is their rules and they are not budging. And by they it's of course. Dr. Hill.

So this is all going to be last minute. GRRRRRRR

I really can't believe we are doing this again. I refuse to live 2008 like I did 2007. I'm sick and tired of living my life at the doctors. I'm tired of this stress and I'm tired of using all my sick and vacation time for IVF.

I'm tempted to cancel the whole thing and just give up. I'm tired. I want my life back! I really don't know if I can do this again. I don't want to do this again. I hate living this way. I HATE IT!!! I've done 3 IVF's and I'm sick and tired of all this crap. How do I throw in the towel and give up on TTC?

I want to boycott going to the doctors. I think doctors are morons. Why can't they listen to me? After 4 IUI's and 3 IVF's I know a little bit about what I'm talking about. I'm no expert but I certainly know the ins and outs!!!!

Hypothyroid

My TSH came back at 5.85! No wonder I have been feeling like crap!! I'm being put on Levoxyl and will get my TSH rechecked in a month. I wonder if he should test my T4 and T3. It kind of frustrates me that he didn't test everything. he didn't even check for Thyroid antibodies. Although my old RE checked for it in March and I was told it was fine.

Should I push for the T4 and T3 testing? A co worker of mine that has had thyroid issues for a LONG time says it's not necessary.

Work

I'm so sick of my job. I seriously think I might get done when DH graduates in May. I sit here everyday and see how everyone else does their job (I work for an advertising company so we sell advertising). I see time and time again where people undersell their clients by hundreds of dollars because they don't bother to look at what the client did last year. Or they simply suck as sales people. I can't stand it. It drives me insane! I feel like ripping my hair out...and some of these people are supposedly the "best" we have.

I don't feel well today. I can't really explain it. I haven't felt very well for a few weeks. I'm still getting hot flashes from the Clomid too. I had to turn the heat down to 60 from 62 last night because I felt like my body was on fire. Doesn't make sleeping easy. *sigh* on that note...I need a nap.

results

Well the good news is everything is "normal" the bad news is there still is no good reason why I'm not pregnant. I find it VERY VERY hard to believe all it would be is the bacterial infection.

here is a post I made in one of my FF buddy groups:

Got my results today. Everything was fine:

FSH 6
E2 848
progesterone 1
LH 11.4

She said they "didn't run" my TSH so she'd have to call them for it tomorrow. She also said anything under a 5.2 is "fine" Are you kidding me? She said if it's over a 4 they might put me on medication. I think I've decided to go see my OB to get further testing on my Thyroid. I really want to know if there is an issue there.

I only had 3 follicles on my u/s 2 at 17mm and 1 at 16mm. My lining was 8.2 (thin due to Clomid & no acupuncture)

The good news is my body is growing the follicles at a normal rate!!! this has never ever happened to me!!! I'm very excited! At this rate I should ovulate in 2-4 days. :)

Only thing is I wish I could trigger so I'd ovulate all 3. from my understanding I think you only ovulate 1 maybe 2 with a regular surge. Anyone know particulars on that?


I'm kind of upset I only have 3 follicles. In 2005 I had 3 and I was on 1/2 the dosage I am on now. For some reason my response to the fertility drugs has declined.

My last IVF I was on 225 and had 9 follicles (although only 3 eggs retrieved) for ALL my IUI cycles and my first IVF cycle I was on 150 and always got at least 6-8 follicles. Needless to say I'm confused and frustrated.

I'm still un certain as to whether I'm ready to do this again or not. I'll have a lot of thinking to do over the next few weeks.

I should find out my protocol soon. I was supposed to find it out today but I forgot to ask and she didn't tell me. I guess I have to set up a follow up consult with him.

I can't do this again

I just don't know if I can do this a 4th time. I'm sick and tired of feeling like a test subject. Nothing in my life is sacred any more. I'm angry because I have not gotten my test results back. I called (it's 3:45pm) and she said the doctor hasn't reviewed it and they will call me. GRRR. One thing I have to say is Boston IVF was very very prompt with my test results. They always called before 3:00 and when they didn't I could call my nurse and get them. The receptionist "Shannon" at my new clinic is a little rude. She just doesn't have an overly friendly voice and it ticks me off. How can you deal with hormonal woman all day and NOT have someone nice on the phone?

I'm angry. Angry that I have to do this again. Angry that getting pregnant is so easy for some. I rescheduled DH's SA for 1/23 since he had forgotten what time his appointment was yesterday. He was there with me at 7:30 and they wouldn't let him do it (his appointment was at noon.) My doctor said I might have to hold off because they can't get an approval with out an SA. I assured him that he CAN get an approval. I never had an issue with Boston IVF.

I called my ins company to see if the approval BIVF got could be transfered and she said she didn't see an authorization and wouldn't even give me a hypothetical answer. OH PLEASE! Just tell me if the auth can be transfered. Either it can or it can't. I was about ready to put my hand through the phone and smack her.

It doesn't help that it's been a bad day at work. I hate political season. They are NOT fun people to deal with. They all expect you to bend rules and deadlines. It's like jumping through hoops.

I'll update my blog when I get my test results back.

I can't believe I'm doing IVF a 4th time.

Updates

Well The new year started off with Jon and I getting a letter from our mortgage company saying we have to pay more into our escrow because property tax went WAY up again. Our property tax has doubled since we got the place 3 years ago!!! it goes up significantly every year... Unfortunately it raises our mortgage by over $100 so we will have to pass part of that onto our tenant. It's been 3 years and she has never had a rent increase. As a matter of fact one year I paid her utilities to help her out since she was in a bad spot. Now it's Jon and I that are in a tight spot (thanks to the holidays and unexpected expenses). I guess that is what savings is for though. Now we just have to build it back up again. I don't like not having a savings account (we spent ours on the heating systems). It makes me nervous.

I went to the doctors this morning but got there late (thanks snow). The blood won't be sent out till tomorrow so I have to wait for the results. :( The ultrasound tech left just as I got there (she has a second job) so I have to have that done tomorrow too. I also get another biopsy tomorrow to check to see if the endometritis is gone. Jon had to reschedule his SA because we forgot what time he needed to be in. he went with me this morning and they said he wasn't scheduled till noon. I had no appointment card and no way of calling them yesterday so Jon opted to reschedule but he has to wait till 1/23 since they only do SA's once a month or so. By then I'll be on the BCP for IVF #4. It's ok though because we really don't NEED those results to decide what protocol I will be using.

I know 2008 will be a good year. 2007 was by far the worst year I've ever had. I'm determined that I will get pregnant and have a baby in 2008! Here is an over view of 2007.

**********

It's officially 2008. I have to admit that I'm extremely glad to see 2007 gone. , To be honest. It was the hardest year I think I have had thus far. Don't get me wrong I could have had a LOT worse happen to me and I'm grateful for that. I didn't really get to take vacation time t his year since I used most of that and my sick time for all my IVF appointments. I did get to take 1 nice family vacation though. :)

My year really revolved around trying to get pregnant, scheduling doctor’s appointments, getting test results back. Literally every single month I was on some kind of drug (with a few breaks in between).

In January we started our 3rd IUI. We used gonal F 150. I stimmed for 7 days. BFN: We had 13 possible follicles that month. We were crazy to go through with it but we did. I trusted my doctor. You can imagine my frustration and sadness when I found out the cycle didn’t work. I thought for sure if I couldn't get pregnant with that many eggs I was doomed.

February we were on a forced break because I get cysts after every single medicated cycle. For some reason my corpus lutea don’t' know how to disappear with AF. (I think the progesterone messes that up). We tried on our own that cycle and of course BFN: I was doing IUI's till mid way through the year. In April I started the process for my first IVF. At the end of June we found it didn't work. We were devastated. I couldn't bear the thought of another IVF but somehow we trudged through it.

March brought our 4th and final IUI. We did 150iu of Gonal F again. (IUI #1 was50mg clomid and IUI #2 was 150iu gonal f. ) The only reason I went through with it was because my doctor wouldn't refer me to IVF unless I did...I had no idea I could have switched doctors and moved on myself. We had 8 follicles and of course it didn't work. (We did double IUI's with all our IUI cycles)

April was a break due to cysts again. I also set up a consultation with my new doctor. I started the BCP for my first IVF in May.

June & July was IVF #2. Unfortunately I had a bad response to the lupron and was over suppressed. I only had 3 eggs and 1 fertilized with ICSI. Our only embryo was very bad quality and ended up not making it to transfer.

August was our family trip to Utah to see My BIL and his wife with their new baby. It was wonderful to have the time away from home to spend with family. It was nice to leave everything behind for a week and just relax and enjoy family. August also brought is a much needed break from the IVF treatments. We were tired. I needed time off to get my sanity back. We took 2 months off.

September we were on a break from IVF still. However my car decided to roll down my driveway and total itself. I was not quite ready to get rid of my car. DH and I wanted to wait till he graduated then sell mine and get a new car. The insurance company offered me $2,900 which is a lot more then I would have sold it for. Needless to say we took the money and ran. We ended up getting a good deal on a 2008 Carolla S edition. We didn't plan on getting a brand new car (vowed we wouldn’t) but we didn't pay to much more for it then we would have for a used car so it just made sense.

October I started the BCP for IVF #3. My response to the meds was not as good as they could be. We had 9 follicles on our ultrasound but only 3 eggs retrieved. I was a mess. I cried for the rest of the day. I was sure they had gotten me mixed up with someone else...Luckily all 3 fertilized with ICSI. 2 made it to a 3 day transfer but none of them brought us a baby. The embryo quality this time was not as great as it was with my first IVF. My Re suspected egg quality and said he would be willing to do 2 more cycles with me.


November we decided to switch doctors and we are very glad we did. In December I started testing and found out I had endometritis. It's a condition in which the uterine lining is enflamed and is not good for implantation. It is caused by a bacterial infection and DH and I were both put on antibiotics for 10 days. I also found out that my TSH has risen more so my doctor is doing more tests.

It is now January and we are in the middle of our Clomid cycle. I'm taking Clomid for the Clomid challenge test. My Re wants to see what my FSH will be. I go in for some blood work tomorrow so we will see.

We are hoping that IVF brings us our first child. I only have 3 months left to get pregnant if I want a 2008 baby. We'll see. :) Either way I fully plan on being pregnant for the majority of the year. I have a feeling 2008 is going to be a GREAT year!

Jonathan graduates in May and already has a job lined up. He is working for Liberty Mutual and LOVES it! He has a company lap top and will be working on the corporate servers. He will have a black berry so that combined with the lap top will make him available to work from home. However it also means he is on call as well.

On a good note I made $15 k more this year than I did in 2006! So 2007 was good financially!! We got both the heating systems in our apartment building replaced and also got the new car.

January started off well. I got a 15% raise which is nice. :) There are also lots of changes are happening where I work. If you noticed I didn't talk about work much above. That is mostly because nothing major happened. Same Ole, same Ole. The stress wasn't quite as bad as it was in 2006 so it was a slight improvement. :)

2008 has already started: We are starting the year off with new teams at work. I have a whole new territory so it is VERY scary. However I have a feeling it is going to work out great. The two people I work with are wonderful. :)

On a down note today we got a letter saying our escrow went up. It was underpaid by almost $800 because our property tax went up AGAIN. It is now up to $4,500!!!!! It was around $2,500 when we got the place 3 years ago! Our mortgage payment has thus gone up by $114.82! Needless to say we are going to raise the rent. Our tenant has lived there for 3 years and has not had a rent increase. As a matter of face it was kind of decreased in 2006 because we agreed to pay her electricity and heat to help her through a tough year. We are not sure how much we will raise it by. I'd like to raise it by $100 but I'm thinking that might be kind of steep. I checked pricing for the area. 3 bedrooms range from $1000 a month to $1600 a month. The apartment we rent out has3 bedrooms with a 4th room that COULD be considered a bedroom. It is small but has a closet. The unfortunate part is you walk through it to get to the 3rd floor where the other 2 bedrooms are. The other 2 bedrooms have a 5th room for storage or a play area. Technically the city (since she is on their support system) won't let us use that as a room at all since there are no windows.