1 year ago today

1 year ago today I found out I was pregnant for the first time. Happiest moment of my life. (it's right up there with the day of my marriage).

Last week I started to get really weepy and upset. When my husband didn't notice it caused me to spiral into a very dark place. A place where I never want to be again. I didn't realize till a few days ago that it's the 1 year anniversary of the day I found out I was pregnant for the first time. I'm coming up on the 1 year anniversary of my first miscarriage. I guess subconsciously I must have known.

I can't believe it's been a year and I'm still grieving. Everyone else has moved on with life but I'm still here. Missing my baby. Hating the fact that 3-4 of my co workers are all back from maternity leave from having their April babies. My baby would be nearly 4 month's old right now.

I really want to move past this. I hope the sadness will lessen with time.

I really have never wanted something so bad in my life. It is amazing to me that people can actually even get pregnant to begin with. Many, don't know, how miraculous of a miracle it truly is that woman get get pregnant.

My sister in law is pregnant and expecting baby #3 in March of 2013. She announced her pregnancy after her ultrasound at 6 weeks when they saw the heart beat. I envy that. Not only that she is pregnant but the fact that she was comforted by the heart beat. So comforted that she skips her NT scan and won't see her baby till 20 weeks. I will never feel that comfortable. If I ever got pregnant I'd not only want a beta drawn every few days but I'd want an ultrasound every week, starting at 6 1/2 weeks up through 10 -12 weeks. I would refuse to be treated any differently. They could and will treat me as high risk. Luckily I have a very nice OB who would easily comply with my request and I *think* I have pretty good insurance to boot.

But anyhow, I just need that miracle. I know God is listening to me and knows of my pain. But I still feel really alone. I feel like my prayers are not heard and if they are I get no reply or comfort from them.

It's a very bad picture and most people will not know what it is a picture of. But here is a very zoomed in picture of my little gummy bear.

Due date Woahs

I haven't done a very good job writing. I'm usually at work when I get upset and by the time I get home I'm to lazy to write out my feelings.

I have waves of depression. It seems to hit me about once a month. (although not always centered around my period). It's sporadic. I just feel, at times, that there is a black cloud following me around. And when my husband doesn't notice or doesn't answer the phone when he's at work it just makes it 10 times worse. I'll have to talk to him later about it but I'm not ready to stop being mad yet.

Today I think my sadness stems around the fact that if I got pregnant this cycle (just a regular TTC on our own cycle) my due date would be 4/25/12. The baby we adopted in 2009 was born 4/22/2009. (he was taken back by the birth mom after 12 days).

My second donor embryo cycle worked and I was excited that my due date was 4/21/12! Unfortunately that ended in a loss at 8 1/2 weeks. For some reason I've wanted to have a baby in April. I got really close with the girls in my April 2009 due date group on fertility friend and since then I've always wanted to be an "April mommy". I'm not sure why really. Seems really silly.

But anyhow I think that's why I'm upset today. I broke down and couldn't stop crying at work. I had twinges yesterday which ONLY ever happened during my 2 pregnancies. And today I've had period cramps. I know it's probably all in my head and I'm sure in about 5-6 days I'll start my period. (I get my period around 9 or 10 DPO and it only lasts  1 - 1.5 days.

Anyhow, thats my update.

Roller coaster

It’s been a little while since I’ve written. Things have been going well. I’m feeling a lot better than I was before. I’m enjoying spending time with my husband and for now, I’m content not having children. I’ve managed to somehow make it so being around babies doesn’t hurt like it used to. I can get my “baby fix” and be comforted by the fact that I can get a full night’s sleep. Pregnancy however is a lot harder for me to handle. I am still trying to get used to the idea that I will likely never be pregnant. I am working on accepting that I will never be pregnant. I think I have accepted it (although hard to tell). I am around a TON of pregnant woman every time I go to church. It’s fairly normal so I have gotten used to it. Some woman are now on baby #4 and they started their families after my hubby and I did.

I did find out yesterday that a good friend of mine is expecting another baby. She’s been a huge support to me throughout my infertility journey. It was hard though to find out she is expecting. I was hoping we would be pregnant together…but I have to accept that it will likely never happen for me.

Then today at work I find out that a co-worker is pregnant. 14 weeks. I would be 15. That’s all I need. A daily reminder of how far along I would be. This happened the first time I miscarried. I had 3 or 4 co-workers all due in April. They have all since had their babies and all but 1 has returned to work.

I’m really mad at infertility right now. Mad that it ruins my ability to be legitimately happy for people without feeling hurt. I hate that it has disrupted my life yet again. I was perfectly content until both these things happened. I’m sure that over time I’ll get used to it. But for now I have to fight off tears.

I’m sorry that I don’t post more often. I only seem to post when I’m feeling down. I’m sure it would be nice for my readers to read about how I’m feeling when I’m feeling happy too. It truly is a roller coaster.

Foster

Quick post since I have to get back to work (as usual). I have been finishing up my classes to get my foster license. Hubby doesn't come with me but that's fine. We only need 1 of us to get our license. (we can have up to 4 kids with me having my license). My last class is on 6/11 and my next inspection is 6/12. I'll have to remember to write about how horrible my first inspection was. Suffice to say I called and requested different firemen come this time! We don't plan on taking placements right away though. We need some time together as a couple to grieve and fully get over all our losses before we accept a placement. But at least this way we'll be ready to pull the trigger when we feel it's time.

meditation

I'm swamped today and don't have time to write much at all but here is the video I've been listening to at work. I say "listening" because I can't really watch it while I'm working but I find the music very relaxing. 

Tired

I must have hit an all time low last week. Rock bottom I'm guessing. This week has been much better. I'm able to smile and laugh which is a relief. And I have moments where I feel like "me". Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday went well. Today though has been rough. Not nearly as bad as last week but rough. I'm tired all the time (have been since the loss) and can't seem to get enough sleep.

Today a co worker brought her 7 week old baby in. She had her baby just days before my first due date so it was hard. I managed to smile and listen to her talk to my other co workers for a few minutes but then had to put my head phones on. I felt bad but it was just a reminder of what I should have.

I've been listening to meditation music every day this week and listening to my scriptures as well. I do both at work. I'd meditate in the morning but I'd just fall back asleep. I guess I cant' really "meditate" at work but listening to the music is calming. I'm going to go home today and meditate for a while. My husband has been swamped all week and had zero time to spend with me so I'll take advantage and do some meditation. i did tell him however that as of 4 pm on Saturday he's all mine, and only mine.

Speaking of Saturday. I signed up for 2 out of the 3 foster classes I need to finish my license. Jon and I don't plan on taking a placement right away (not till I'm 100% recovered from my losses) but this gives me something to do and work towards.

I am just so worn out. Just the every day "normal" stuff is exhausting. Mentally and physically. It's not something I can really explain. A few days ago I was so tired I thought I was going to pass out. My therapist says it's normal to feel this way given what I'm going through. I guess it's part of the grieving process. Grieving takes a lot out of you.

I'm not sure if I mentioned but I only took my meds for 2 days. My last dose was last Saturday. I don't' think I need them (I've been doing better) but I have them if Jon or I feel I need them.

Well I suppose I should get back to work. I'll leave you with this video. You might want a box of tissues. I listened to this at work today after my co worker left with her baby. It may sound weird that I did that to myself but it helped me "feel" the grief and move on with my day.

extra help

So I talked to my therapist yesterday about how I'm feeling and she suggested meds to help. I agreed and went to my OB (my therapist can't prescribe-and I wish she could) and she is prescribing me this: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0000214/

I'm not to keen on the idea and I'm regretting agreeing to it. Yes I have had a hard time getting out of bed in the morning and I just want to lay there all day and drown in my sorrows. And I have moments where I don't want to exist any more. (I don't want to die I just want to disappear). I know the meds will help but I don't like the idea of putting that crap in my body. As it is I'm on Nexium for my acid reflux and levoxyl for my thyroid issues. And baby asprin for my clotting disorder (although I forgot to tell her that so I should probably all and let her know since it's on the "list" on that web site).

Because I've had an issue in the past (over 10 years ago) where I tried to OD on pills and had cutting issues she is hesitant to let me go off it but after 6-9 month's I'll probably demand to be weaned off of it. I have lived at least 10 years with out any form of antidepressants and been fine. yes I deal with anxiety but nothing serious and I never get depressed. this is a first. but in my defense I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that I'll likely never be pregnant. Combined with the fact that 2 doctors have given me the "age talk". which is funny cause I've had diminished reserve for YEARS now. But I'm at "that age". and of course my OB had to remind me that i'm at "that age" and miscarriages are normal even for 20 year olds. Oh please. So it's bad luck yet again? I seriously doubt that. Oh and stressing is bad too and can cause miscarriages and infertility. I seriously almost reached across the table and smacked her. yes stress can cause you to have a late ovulation or no period. And I know stress isn't good for pregnancy. I had a really positive attitude for all 3 of my FET cycles and do not remember being stressed in the least. UGGG

Despair/Depression

Well the depression stage has slowly been creeping up on me. Unfortunately for the nearly 3 weeks I was out of work I was mostly in Denial. I had a little bit of anger mixed in there but mostly denial. The anger stage hit full force recently and has just as quickly turned into depression. It's a very scary place for me to be. I had major depression  once and tried to kill myself by ODing on pills. This was before I was married (in college) so it was a long time ago. I have since gotten better and not been on any anti-depressants for a long long time.

I returned to work full time this week but the only day I've been able to work a full day is Monday. Today I only lasted 2.5 hours. I called my therapist but she is on vacation till next week and I'm her first appointment (on Tuesday so in 5 days). I talked to her briefly and she suggested anti-depressants. I don't want to be on them permanently and made that clear but she thinks it will help me cope. So I go see my PCP tomorrow to discuss it. I hope she's willing to help me with out having to see my medical records because my therapist is out of the office and I could really use this long weekend (day off on Monday) for the medications to kick in.  Although I know it can take a few weeks for them to work. I'm NOT to keen on medication but I do feel I need the boost.

My sister in law is living with me right now and going through a crisis of her own so she is grieving too. It's nice to have her around because we can talk to each other about our feelings.

Anger stage

I'm still in the "angry" stage. It's weird. I'll just get angry for no reason. And it will be all day, some times multiple days in a row. It's not like something set me off, I just wake up this way and I can not snap out of it, regardless of how hard I try. The things that I always clung onto that were "happy thoughts" (gardening, the sun shining, looking forward to the weekend) doesn't help.

Today is one of those days. It started yesterday so I left work about 2 hours early. I'd love to go home today but unfortunately my FML is not set up for me to miss whole days. I do need to talk to my therapist about this and see if it's acceptable for me to be able to miss a few days a month from work. And even then it could be as much as 1 day a week. But do I "suck it up" and stay at work? or accept that fact that I'm not ready to be back to work full time? I don't want to sit at home and mope but being out in the public when I feel this way is very hard. I can't effectively deal with my feelings when I'm at work. I have to stifle them and do my job instead.

I had a co worker say something to the effect that I shouldn't forget all I have going for me (good life, husband etc). Yes that is true. I have a lot to be happy for and trust me I don't take any of it for granted (or at least I try). I'm grateful for my husband and our life together. But I'm grieving right now so it's hard to be happy about anything. I'm grieving over another miscarriage (2 in 7 month's) as well as the fact that my egg suck (Diminished reserve) and once we finally tried embryo's made with younger eggs we find out my uterus suck's too but no one is sure why because medical technology is not advanced enough to figure it out. So I have to accept my body suck's and I'll likely never be pregnant. And if I ever do get pregnant it will be nothing short of a miracle.  (but I'm not holding my breath)


****edited to add***

I know my anger stems from my sadness. I know I need to cry but I have a hard time letting myself do it. And the only way to really have a good cry is to call someone and start talking to them about how I'm feeling. Then the flood gates open and I feel better. Unfortunately right now though there is no one to talk to. I wish I could cry on my own but I'd have to sit here and sit about my loss and then eventually I'd start to cry. I've had an issue in the past with anger due to the fact that I don't always deal with my emotions and let myself "feel".

Anger

I've been meaning to write (frankly it helps me cope when I write my feelings down) but every time I feel like it I'm at work or busy else where. So even though I'm at work I'm taking the time to write a quick post.

I returned to work last week part time. Today is my last day part time and Monday I return to work full time. I have to admit I'm a bit nervous to return full time but I'm ready. I do have intermittent FMLA if I need it so that's good.

Today I had a break down. I'm not really sure how to appropriately explain why. Suffice to say I got upset at something  stupid and it ended in me getting into a small tiff with my husband. He "moved on" about a week after the loss. He said it's hard to tell if I'm getting upset because of the miscarriage or just getting upset in general. I explained to him that right now, when ever I get upset it's due to the miscarriage. Things that normally would set me off sets me off. Things that would normally upset me makes me fly off the handle.

Anyhow I suppose I should get back to work. I'm honestly not even sure what to say. I'm "bla" all the time. Either I'm feeling nothing or I'm angry. I went to work crying this morning and have been very unproductive all day. I just can't focus but I have to be here for 2 more hours.

bla

Last week was my last week off before I return to work. It was a pretty good week. Most of the week I felt fairly "normal". This week I returned to work part time and the whole week has been awful. I'm just "bla" all the time. And I love my husband but he hasn't been nearly as tentative as he was last time. probably because if I hadn't told him he wouldn't have "known" I had a miscarriage. Last time I was quite a bit further along. Frankly he shouldn't act any different but he does. I love him dearly but I do kind of feel alone in this. I have to talk to him about it but the problem is I don't know what he can do to help so what's the point? I mean don't get me wrong he's been very loving and checked on me at first. I just think since this is a "silent" miscarriage (meaning physically I barely even had a period vs last time I bled buckets of blood and had to go to the hospital because of the contractions) that it doesn't seem as bad. And last time we had seen our baby multiple times in ultrasounds vs this time because I was only 5w3d. Anyhow, I'm sure this is just how I'm feeling at the moment. it's been a very busy week and we've barely had time to spend together.

I'd love to move onto adoption but we won't have the cash till early 2013 and taking out a loan is not something my husband is willing to do. (which frankly I can understand-we are trying to minimize debt not go further into it). Had we not just spent $20k on my FET's (that includes all the trip expenses too) we would be able to move forward with adoption. Frankly I'm sick of spending money on TTC. But I know in the end it will be worth it. But it still suck's. I wish I could take some of my money and buy a few new pieces of furniture for our new house. But instead it's either spent on TTC or the apartment building we own. We are dishing out around $7k this year to fix up the outside of the unit. And no we don't make a profit off the place so it's all out of our personal money. I'd sell the place if I could but the economy suck's. Both our tenants are moving out so we are in the process of trying to fill both units. And we are in the process of evicting one of them. They owe us 3 months' rent (about $3,500)

Good days and bad days

Yesterday was a good day. I hung out with a friend for the day. Went with her to Bangor maine and had lunch. I actually felt like myself yesterday. (despite the fact that I had a really bad headache).

Today however isn't a good day. I'm not sure what causes me to have bad days.

I'm not sure what the future holds. I keep going between child free and finishing up the foster classes. I only have 2 more classes to take to be licensed. Luckily since I took most of them in 2010 I don't have to re take the one's I already took. Although I have someone looking into that for me just to be sure. The classes I need are on 6/2 so I'm going to sign up for that. It's free and won't hurt. We may also decide to adopt but that won't be till early 2013. I think, if my husband says yes, that once I'm fully done "grieving" and back to my "normal happy self". That being foster parents will be a good way to fill that void. I have always wanted to be a stay at home mom and this will be a way for me to be able to do that, and help make a difference in these children's lives. I know it will be hard. Fortunately I'm used to heart break so I think I'll fair pretty well. That and you can chose to take low risk placements as well.

more then I can handle

I decided to go to church today. Last week I couldn't bring myself to go. Today I made it through the first hour (sacrament ) then decided I didn't want to stay the last 2 hours. Part of the problem is I Just didn't want to be around people.

In one of the talks given today she said "The Lord doesn't give you more then you can handle".  And her example was how she walked 20 minutes to church with a 2 year old and a 9 month old while living in San Diego, on a very very hot day. It was a good story and I'm glad she shared but all I could do was laugh. not at her story but at the thought that God surely thinks I'm capable of handling a lot of pain. And I can't help but think he's wrong. I can't handle this any more. I'm DONE. So congrats God you have pushed me to my limit and now I'm not sure I want kids any more. I'm not sure this pain is worth it. At least not any more. Ok well I know it's worth it but Im not stupid enough to keep putting myself through this crap only to be knocked down over, and over, and over, and over, and over again. So yes I'm done. Matter of fact I am ordering this book: http://www.amazon.com/Childfree-After-Infertility-Moving-Childlessness/dp/0595274382

And I am not telling anyone that we are giving up. Mainly because I don't want to hear anyone say "as soon as you stop trying." PLEASE. Moving onto a child free life won't fix my Diminished ovarian reserve and poor egg quality. It won't fix the fact that my uterus suck's and clearly is not capable of carrying a baby. If it happens it will have nothing to do with the fact that we "gave up" and everything to do with the fact that it would be a true miracle. God waving his little magic wand (or what ever) and deciding I'm worthy to be a mother. Until then though, I hate to say, I'm out of hope. At least for now. And I'm done with this roller coaster.

So I'll likely move onto living child free. There is a chance, mind you it's a small chance, that we will chose to adopt. I'm not even close to ready to go back onto that roller coaster though.

child free

I've been struggling with the knowledge that deep down inside I know that I need to transition from the frame of mind that I WILL be a mother to accepting a child free life...and to be honest I have no idea how to do that.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not giving up on my dream. But I can't keep living life the way I am. Always planning what we will try next. We are definitely done with fertility treatments. I can not go through another miscarriage. Our next step will be foster care and or adoption. We have tried adoption before and it was an awful experience. The first match failed at birth. The second one placed with us but took the baby back after 2 weeks. Both times I had induced lactation. The second time I was actually breast feeding our adopted son. We were matched again but she wanted over $10k in expenses so we backed out. She wanted expenses that were un reasonable. $400 a month in gas, $1,250 for maternity clothes, $300 a month for food (she lived at home with her parents and was on WIC), day care for her toddler and the list goes on So we ended up backing out of that one. She did place her baby but I'm not to keen on being ripped off and paying someone for their child. If someone wants to put their child up for adoption they should be doing it because they want a better life for their child. Not because they want money. I have no problem helping with expenses that are NEEDED but she didn't need any of these. She lived at home with her parents. It went from "I'll need no money" to "just gas" to over $10k in birth mother expenses. Ok rant over.

The fact of the matter is I'm not ready to move onto adoption and when we do we will likely be using an adoption consultant such as this woman: http://www.theadoptionconsultancy.com/

Today was not a good day emotionally. I was miserable all day and couldn't snap out of it. I even went to lunch with a friend.

Due date

Saturday 4/21 was my due date from my first pregnancy. It seems really cruel to be finding out that I'm losing this pregnancy. And to make it worse Mothers day is 5/13. I'll survive. It is just a lot happening all at once.

4/22/10 was the day that the baby boy that we adopted was born. 5/4/10 was the day she took him back. This is a hard time of year that seems to have gotten even more complicated due to these 2 losses.

I do plan on planting something to remember these babies but I won't be able to do that till early June when it's safe to plant. I want to plant a lilac bush but need to find the right spot for it. Which you wouldn't think would be hard with an acre of land but we already have lots of trees

On leave

So my doctor decided that it was best for me to take a leave from work so I'll be off work for the next 2 weeks. It's not something I'm overly happy about but I know it's for the best. Last time I went back to work the day I found out we lost the baby and it effected my work quality. And considering the company seems to do a really good job at remembering your screw ups it's not something I can risk doing again.

I still go from zero to 60. I'll be ok one minute and have extreme rage the next. Today is going decent. Jon is working from home so I have company. I also hung out with my sister in law and nephews for an hour or so today.

It feels pretty pathetic to be home on leave but I know it's for the best.

I haven't really thought about the loss much today. I am trying to find a balance. I don't want to dwell on it but I don't want to shove it in the back of my mind only to resurface 6 month's from now.

I don't know how woman some times are able to deal with multiple losses. I've had 2 (in the past 6 month's) and that's hard enough. I can NOT go through this again. It's simply to hard.

At least this loss was earlier. I was about 5 1/2 weeks pregnant when I actually started to bleed heavy (although we knew earlier that I was going to have a miscarriage because my beta's didn't double). Luckily this time it's like a period and not labor like last time. I never EVER want to go through that pain again unless I'm actually giving birth. The emotional aspect is hard enough.

My beta went down from 110 to 45 in 2 days, then yesterday it was down to 8. Luckily the doctor isn't making me have any more blood work done.

Trapped

I'm not sure where to begin. My beta on Thursday went down from 110 to 45 in 2 days. I stopped all my meds that day. It's been 4 days since then and I still have not had the miscarriage. As a matter of fact I stopped spotting 4 days ago was well. I'm going tomorrow to get another beta done to make sure my levels are down to zero.

Today is stake conference and I couldn't bring myself to go. I tried, I even got dressed but then had a moment of extreme rage and just decided I couldn't leave the house. I really wanted my husband to stay home with me but he had already committed to driving a friend (a friend who can't drive). It's a 45 minute drive so it was to late by then to find him another ride. So I get to sit home, alone for about 3 more hours. It's miserable. I spend most of last week home alone.

I told my boss I planned on returning to work Monday but I'm not sure if I can. On the other hand I'm not sure how much un paid time off I want to take. I'm taking FMLA but not using my FTO so all the time I'm out of work is un paid. Funny how easy it was for me to drop $15k on these 3 FET's (total cost for travel and what not for all 3) but to take a week off un paid from work is hard. Seems kind of stupid if you ask me.

I feel trapped. I have all kinds of thoughts that swim through my  head but I can't seem to utter a word. I just sit here in silence completely miserable. The only words I seem to be able to utter is "I don't know".

Last night I went to the adult session of stake conference. The talks were good but just made me feel worse. The ride home was miserable. I refused to let my husband listen to a book but then just sat there in silence un able to say a word for nearly the entire trip. I feel trapped inside myself. I don't want this to be happening. I just want for life to go back to the way it was before this FET. I'm totally and utterly miserable and I hate it.

Something that was said in a talk last night was something to the effect of "enduring cheerfully". You know, the stories that are told of the "woman" someone once knew who went through something really tragic but always seemed to have a smile on her face. Well that's all fine and dandy but I'm sure in private that woman went through hell. Why can't we talk about that? Why is it always "put on a happy face for everyone?" really? I have no happy face right now I'm sorry. But then I feel guilty because I'm not "enduring cheerfully."

In all honesty, and I know this is not true, I feel like God has Abandoned me. I'm not sure why I keep hitting road block's. We have tried everything to become parents. It's quite clear that my body is not baby friendly. And the thought of going back to adoption makes me want to throw up. It's not an easy process. And for those of you who are new to my blog, well, suffice to say adoption is not easy and we hit every road block possible there too. No matter what I try it doesn't work. Part of me wonders if I should just give up. Give up trying, give up on hoping that I'll ever be a mom. Just give up on the dream. It's to hard and I quit. And no one can say we didn't try. 7 years. 4 IUI, 6 fresh IVF's. 3 donor FET's, a failed adoption at birth and a failed placement after we had the baby for 2 weeks.

IF we chose to do adoption I will have no contact with the birth mom this time. I always wanted an open relationship but all that does is bring heart break. So the adoption will likely be closed (and that's hard to come by) or the pictures and what not will have to go through a lawyer or agency. Also I refuse to adopt in NH or any other state where TPR is done before a judge. While I do think that's the best route to go for birth parents it's not for me. I want TPR done at the hospital. I want to know that when I take that baby home the rights have been terminated.

Anyhow, I'm not sure how I'm going to survive the next 3 hours here all alone.

I just want life to go back to the way it was. I don't want to deal with any of this crap.

And if anyone is wondering yes I'm in therapy. I have been for probably 5-6 years now.

FET #3

So my 3rd FET started out well. Jon and I had a lovely vacation in San Diego! We went to Sea World which was the highlight of my trip! We also got to go to the flower fields and balboa park.

We thawed all 4 of our remaining embryo's and all 4 survived beautifully. We transfered the best 3

at 4p5dt (9 dpo) I got this!

I was shocked I got such a dark line so early! Some of my friends thought for sure more then 1 implanted. 

I had a beta at 14dpo and it was 120! I was very happy with that number.

At 18 dpo I had another beta done and it was 110. Needless to say I'm quite devastated. Looks like we will be losing this pregnancy too. I have another blood test tomorrow just to be 100% sure it wasn't an error. 

I'm completely crushed that this is happening again. 

The odd part is my HPT at 17DPO was darker then the control line so my HPT got darker but my beta went down. I'm holding out for a miracle tomorrow but knowing it's not likely. I just hope it's not ectopic. 

Craziness

I wasn't sure what to title this post. A lot has been going on this week. I had my first lining check on 3/26. My lining was 7.45 and my estrogen level was 517. My TSH is still on the hyper side so I freaked out but my OB says that it's perfect because pregnancy will make me go hypo (which is true). My lining is usually a 10 by my first ultrasound (my lining grows really fast) and I booked our plane tickets weeks ago based on that history. I mean 6 IVF's and 2 FET's and after 7 days my lining is always 10+mm. So I was shocked that it was only 7.45mm. SO my doctor upped my estrogen to 8mg in orally and 4mg vaginal. (now my undies are blue LOL) And he added a 1cc shot of estrogen...which for some reason my ins won't cover unless a doctor prescribes it so it was $130!! (but they cover PIO which is also injected in the butt...). So I was supposed to get the estrogen overnighted to me but apparently the plane never took off so they had to order it to me to receive today (instead of yesterday). so I was 1 day late taking the shot. I had it delivered at work but forgot my needles at home (I told them I didn't need any). So I drove home from work and gave myself the shot and drove back.

Yesterday was my intralipids and it went really well. The ladies at the Yarmouth Maine Coram office are really nice. The Nurse that helped give me the infusion did some IUI's but could never afford IVF so I don't think they have any children. Today I'm not feeling well at all thanks to the infusion (headache, nausea). Hopefully tomorrow I feel better. I just feel so run down!

I've also had to go back and forth between my California nurse and the local clinic doing my monitoring (they have been having a hard time getting faxes to each other which made for a lot of phone calls on my part). I really don't like my local clinic (Garrison Woman's health).

I'll be sooooooo glad when this FET is over!

Baseline

I had my base line for FET #3 yesterday. I'm VERY glad to say that it went well and I started estrogen today. I am so happy! I really really hate the side effects from lupron depot and can't wait till my estrogen levels get higher so these hot flashes end and I can get a good nights sleep again.

I have a lot on my mind at the moment but I'm not quite sure how to put it into words. My husband is a very private person and thus I tend to me also. Being private is a good thing because if people don't know about our infertility then they can't say anything stupid. But it also means I don't get the support I need sometimes. And at church when pregnant woman or new moms get a lot of attention and help I get jealous. Where is everyone when I need them? But then I remind myself, if people don't know I'm struggling they can't help. I'm just barely starting to be more open about mentioning my miscarriage in passing to people. Mostly it's when they ask how I lost weight. Well I had a miscarriage, so my thyroid crashed and then I had 2 surgeries etc. probably to much information but oh well. It feels good to be open about it. But I hate seeing the look of sadness on their face when I mention it. So I usually swiftly change the subject...again not sure why.

I've been open with a few friends about my up coming FET and it feels good to be able to confide in people about it.

Prepping for FET #3 and New home!

Well yet again it's been a while since I have written. I'm not really sure how to sum up the last few month's.

At work I have TONS of pregnant co workers. It seems as though there are always pregnant woman.  I also work in the FMLA department so I process FMLA stuff. After my miscarriage all the pregnancy FMLA forms for people due in April started coming in. (my due date was 4/21/12) That was tough. After that I got used to that I found out 3 of my co workers are also due in April. That took a bit of getting used to as well. I'm ok with it now. However the closer it gets to my due date the harder things have become. I had another friend announce her pregnancy (she is about 20 weeks along and no one knew lol). I'm happy for her but it opened up the flood gates for me. My due date is nearly a month away and I've been having all kind of mixed feelings. Instead of preparing for motherhood I'm preparing for my 3rd and final FET. This will be IVF cycle #9.

Yesterday I spent some time setting up the nursery...I think I mentioned that my husband and I got a new home. I didn't put the crib together but I put everything else where I wanted it. I felt much better after...not sure why. Then I spent some time looking at pictures of the baby we adopted that was taken back from us. Again I'm not sure why I did this but I do find myself doing this from time to time. I guess it's because I really really enjoyed motherhood. I am SOOOOOOO ready to be a mom.

Speaking of our new home here are some pictures!

Outside 

Shed in the back yard

Kitchen

The wall color looks odd in this picture

We call this the Den

This was taken before we moved in so it's not our stuff. You can see how the "den" opens up into the kitchen

view from the living room

Living room. Again not our stuff.

This is the spare room above the garage. It's HUGE

Dining room

Master bedroom. We each have our own closet! Mine is the HUGE walk in closet in the picture :)

Pictures not included are my husbands office, my sewing room and the nursery. Jon and I love having our own "rooms". The yard is 1.01. acres. Not all of it is cleared. Part of it is woods. We are right off a cul de sac but very private so it's perfect. So far we have seen 6 deer and one HUGE fox in our yard. Needless to say my vegetable garden will have tall deer fencing around it this year.

Currently I'm on lupron depot for my 3rd and final FET. Have I told you how much I HATE this drug? It messes with my mood big time. I'll be fine one second and freaking out the next because of something small (and I mean small). My husband and I can laugh at it now. We have called my "alternate personality" Jessica. After the girl in Hero's that had 2 sides (anyone that has seen the show will understand). it's a joke now between my husband and our close friends. Better to laugh at myself then be miserable right?

And of course the hot flashes come at night. Always at night. I'm freezing one second and feel like I'm on fire the next. It also makes my headaches worse and makes me feel tired constantly.

Well I think that's enough of an update for now. My baseline is on 3/19 and if all goes well my embryo transfer will be on 4/3. We fly to CA on 4/2 and fly home on 4/6. (we are making it into another vacation!) I can't WAIT to go to CA with my hubby again!