Monday, November 26, 2007

Defeated

My beta was negative. I'm in shock. I mean I knew this would happen. I honestly can't believe we will be doing IVF a 4th time. I feel defeated; like my infertility has won. I can't seem to get my body to make babies. I have a feeling my embryos die before they make it to the blast stage. Not to mention my most recent issue "sticky eggs". I'm angry. Angry this is happening to me. I thought for sure my 1st IVF would work....my second was a complete let down.

I feel like giving up. To be honest if it wasn't for my PB I would have given up long ago. Not to mention my desire to know what it feels like to become pregnant. Part of me wonders if Jon and I should fill out adoption papers while we pursue our 4th IVF but I'm scared and not ready to do that yet. I know that it can take years to get a baby through adoption so part of me sees no point in even trying.

I'm tired, angry, exhausted. I can't take this any more. I had a vacation set up for this week but Jon messed up the dates and we can't go. I'm so angry and sad that we can't go.

I just want to go home and sleep. AF is kicking me in the butt too so that doesn't help matters at all. I need a vacation but have to wait till mid December. I need a few days off from work but I only have 11.5 more hours to take and I'm using that for my vacation in December. I planned our vacation for tomorrow thru Saturday on purpose.

I feel defeated today. I feel like my infertility has won. YOU won are you happy now??? Can I have my life back please? I just want to be myself again but I can't. I'm a different person now. My infertility has changed me. I'm trying to make the best of it but it has hard. Trials change people. I'm trying to take this trial and make good of it but it's hard. Today I give up. Today I am defeated.

I could take some time off (again) but my insurance might change next year so we can't afford to take time off. Not to mention it takes about 3 months to complete an IVF anyway. That in and of itself is a break.

I feel like all the prayers in the world won't change a thing. Fact of the matter is my body doesn't know how to make babies.

I hope other people read this and realize what a miracle having a child truly is. It makes me sad that some people take it for granted.

2 comments:

M said...

Amy, I am so sorry. "Tired, angry, exhausted" is exactly how I feel, too. And, yet, I know you are a couple ivfs ahead of me. I can't imagine.

Today I feel defeated too. Like you, I just want my life back. I just want to stop wishing my life away in one month increments. "Next month I might be happy, next month, next month, next month, . . ."

Somehow we will get through this. Somehow in someway we will get our babies and they will be sooo loved because we will have paid a great price for them. . . Maybe that is why our Savior loves us so much. Just like in that conference talk last month "The Lord remembered Rachel." And I know he remembers us too.

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