Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Feelings

Today is worse then yesterday. I still can't believe this is happening again. I sit here and ask myself what I'm doing in life that makes me happy. I own my home, I have a new car, a husband that loves me, a good income. Everything (with the exception of my husband) is materialistic.

My dreams: (not goals dreams, I have plenty of goals)

My number one dream has always been to be a good wife and an even better mother. To be able to bare my own children and be a stay at home mom.

Oddly enough I really can't think of anything else. I must have other dreams right? I seem to be so focused on this one dream that I seemed to have pushed aside or forgotten any other dreams I may have had. Maybe I have no other dreams? That just doesn't sound realistic.

Some people have told me to try not to focus so much on TTC. Try not to obsess over it. How do you not live, sleep, and breath something that you have wanted your entire life? I have dreamed of being a wife and a mother. I have dreamed my entire life of having babies. when I was little I'd put clothes under my shirt and pretend to be pregnant. As silly as it may sound to others it's my life long dream. It's all I've ever wanted. Picture your biggest dream (something realistic not unrealistic) something you have wanted your entire life... (and I'm not talking about a trip to the bahamas...something big) The one thing you want out of life...if you could have one wish what would it be? now picture never ever being able to attain that dream. Picture having to go through physical and mental turmoil month after month. Trying desperately to attain your dream. Doing everything in your power to get what you want. Only to find that after all the physical and mental pain that you failed once again.

Right now my life is taking care of my husband. Working full time so he can go to school. He works too but not because he has to. We can very easily live and save off of just my income. Granted his income lets us save even more money and that is why he choses to work. Not to mention he likes to work.

I love my husband but it has been a HUGE sacrifice for me to put him through school. I wouldn't change a thing even if I could but I'm tired. Tired of working my tail off. Tired of having a high stress job. Tired of working in sales...but where else will I make the money I make here? If I get any other job I'd make 10-20k (a year) less then I do at my current job.

I tell myself that when Jon graduates my options are open. However how do I justify leaving my job when our jobs combined will have us making around 100k? How do I justify leaving when we will be pocketing an entire income? I can't. I can't justify that. Not even for my own health. Am I crazy? Does anyone else do this?

What would be wise, would be to drop to part time when Jon graduates so I can take some time for myself. I've spent the past 4 years supporting him through school. It's time for a break. It's time for me to take time for myself. Don't get me wrong. I chose to support him and put him through school. It was a decision we made together. I wouldn't go back and change it even if I could. I'm very lucky to have the job I do. It gives me the insurance coverage I need for IVF.

Another stress is the fact that our company is being sold. As of right now I have my ins coverage through April of 2008 but that could change at any time. Our co pay also went up from $20 to $75 for "expensive" procedures. Not sure if that will effect me but it's a drop in the bucket compared to what others pay for IVF. I got an email today saying we could be sold and we are having a meeting. A VERY last minute meeting. I'm scared to death of losing my infertility coverage.

I had a blessing a while back (and I realize that those not of my faith will have no clue what I'm talking about here but M will) and it said I will get pregnant "sooner then I think." Well this IVF didn't work. Am I really supposed to believe it will happen on it's own? Um...yeah right. I have no idea what that statement means but it keeps ringing in my ears. This will sound terrible but as happy as I'd be I'd also be TICKED if I got pregnant on my own after everything I have put myself through. Can you imagine? After 3 failed IVF's? It would be like a slap in the face but a blessing all at the same time. Again I'd be so happy if it happened on our own...but to realize I went through all those treatments for nothing would be hard to swollow.

5 comments:

M said...

Once again I can totally relate to what you are saying. My biggest, grandest dream my entire life has been to be a mother. To create life with my husband and then to soak in all the upcoming happiness for 3/4 of a year seems like heaven to me. Literally the whole process of motherhood puts me in awe. Not only do I want this so badly, but I feel it is my responsibility. And not being able to do this somehow makes me feel inadequate. My DH doesn't make me feel this way at all, I completely 100% do it to myself. I tell DH it's like if he was unemployed for 2 years looking faithfully for work, how frustrated would he be if nothing ever, ever came his way? That is how I feel.

I cut back on my work hours awhile back. Was it a blessing or a huge mistake? I'm still not sure. Financially we are fine. But, the extra time can be tough. It gives me the room in my schedule to do these fertility things, but it also makes me feel even more pressure to accomplish the most important job at hand: get pregnant. And for some reason no matter how hard I try I haven't been able to do it.

I've wondered about your blessing, too. I don't know exactly what it means but it sure sounds encouraging! For me, I feel like somehow I just need to trust that the Lord will provide a baby for me to the point that I can be happy "now". This sounds easy, but it is really hard for me. I think I'm naturally a happy person, but this is consuming me. As I was telling DH on Saturday, my whole life I have been taught to control and eliminate any bad desires: immorality, profanity, etc. etc. But, how am I supposed to learn to control my righteous desires? How am I supposed to convince myself that I am okay not having a baby?

So, tell me more about your insurance. I don't understand why you might lose it. If you keep your job you'd still have the mandated insurance coverage, right? Are you really worried about it, or do you think it will be okay? When do you find out?

Amy said...

I added more info to my blog if you want to read it. :)

As far as insurance goes. If our company is sold the new owner will probably have insurance of their own that they will switch us to. Infertility coverage is not mandate in NH. They don't have to offer it and not many places do. I have GREAT coverage. I'm very blessed. They cover everything with out question! Unlimited IUI and IVF's. ICSI if I want as well as anything else I want (I believe) Only thing they don't cover is embryo or sperm freezing but oh well.

M said...

Oh, I did that when I was little, too! I can totally relate!!

I hope everything goes well at your work. I'm sure a lot of people would be angry if someone new came in and changed everything. I hope you hear good news soon about that.

adbwifey0804 said...

I am sorry Amy. I just came in to check in on you and read about your beta. There are no words but know that I am thinking about you and that I am praying for you.. ((HUGS))

Jennifer said...

I hope you find some peace for yourself after all this sadness and disappointment...maybe some time off wouldn't be a bad idea! There seems to be a lot of stress in your life right now...getting pregnant, being a good wife, working a high-stress job, etc...maybe finding a way to tone things down a bit for a little while would help alleviate some of your anxiety and stress. I don't know the answers, believe me I wish I did. I just hope you feel better soon and find a way to move forward in the direction that is best for your and your husband.

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