Depression

The more I think about switching clinics the more stressed I get. I think I'm just going to stay with Boston IVF for now. I will still meet with the other clinics though. That way I can find out what they would do different and maybe talk to my current RE about it.

I'm at work today and finding it hard to get anything done. I'm still very depressed. I just don't know what to do. Part of me wants to give up for a while. I'm sick of TTC. However I'm not sure how much longer I'll be blessed with my insurance so I decided to keep trying. It depresses me though. I Just don't know what to think. Our chances of conceiving on our own is slim now that my RE suspects egg quality.

I hate feeling this depressed. Part of me wonders if I should just go to my OB and request antidepressants. However I hate them. I was on them YEARS ago and managed to learn to deal with my depression/anxiety on my own. This TTC/IVF roller coaster is to much for me to handle now. I can't seem to find any enjoyment out of life right now. Not even with my husband. 99% of the time I just want to be alone...which is not like me. I can't sleep at night any more. All I can do is lay there depressed until I get so tired I can't keep my eyes open any more.
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I seem to go in and out of this "mood". I hate that I'm so up and down. Just goes to show I don' t need anti-depressants. However when I'm down it makes it hard to get anything done. I know I will get through this "funk." It's just a matter of how long it will take me.

Day off

I took the day off today so I can have some time to myself. I really needed it. I have been very depressed the past few days and need to get myself out of the funk. I'm confused and frustrated. I'm confused by all the blessings I've been given and some of the stuff that was said...I don't know what to make of my patriarchal blessing any more. It all seems like it was meant for someone else.

I booked a BUNCH of consults:
I had one with my RE (Boston IVF-Dr. Bayer) last night but I need to talk to him further

We have one with fertility centers of new england-Dr. Hill on 12/5. (Portsmouth NH)

We have a consult with CCRM on 12/10 with Dr. Schoolcraft. (colorado)

I left a message for Reproductive Science center (Bedford, NH) as well as SIRM-NY (Dr. Sher)

It's going to be a crazy month but oh well. My plan is to probably stick with Dr. Bayer for one more cycle and to go out of state with a different clinic in 2008 (when I have vacation time left). I want to make sure I'm going to a top clinic. But here is my thinking:

CCRM is supposedly one of the top clinics in the US (I think THE top clinic) however they only do around 1,095 cycles a year. (with about 60-70% success rate)
Boston IVF does over 3,000 cycles a year with a 35-45% success rate (40% being average)
Does the fact that they do 3 times the amount of cycles skew the success rates? I would think the more cycles you do the more failures you'd have. It makes me curious.

I also can't seem to find a list on the internet of top clinics. I want to know how to compare clinics...I mean you MUST have to take into consideration the amount of cycles you do?

I'm leaning towards Reproductive Science center (Bedford, NH) because they do 2,700 cycles a year and their success rates are around 60%. HOWEVER depending on the infertility issue it goes as low as 30%. AAAHHHH how do I compare??!??

I'm also researching what tests I should get done so I can go back to Dr. Bayer and request them!

Poor egg quality

I spoke to my current RE. He thinks I have egg quality issues. He said my embryos were "iffy" quality. Technically they were grade 2 and the worst grade is 1, however they would have been better quality had they been more then 5 cells. He said I can do the blood tests I want (like karyotyping) although since he suspects egg quality I don't think he sees a point but he will let me do it.

He wants to ad LH to my protocol and said he will up my dosage to 300 gonal f if I want him to but he doesn't want to risk going any higher because he is afraid I'll stim to fast (which I probably would because my body is stupid).

I am meeting with the RE at the other clinic next week. I don't have the mental energy to search out other clinics since my insurance could change at any moment. As of right now I have it till April 1 2008 but that could change any time.

I'm hesitant to go to a new clinic because they have to get used to how my body works all over again.

anyhow, I don't know what to do. I should switch clinics and I might go with the local clinic if I like the doctor. However I feel guilty switching. This local clinic is MUCH smaller and their success rates are not any better. Boston IVF does over 3k a year and the local one does around 1k.

guess it's all dependent on what this new RE says.

I'm so angry right now. I suspected egg quality after my first IVF fails. Just goes to show that having a PhD doesn't always mean everything. I'm so angry and annoyed. I feel that if I was in charge of my cycle I would have been pregnant a long time ago!

Egg quality only gets worse as you get older and that scares me. I'm angry right now. Very very angry and sad.

Feelings

Today is worse then yesterday. I still can't believe this is happening again. I sit here and ask myself what I'm doing in life that makes me happy. I own my home, I have a new car, a husband that loves me, a good income. Everything (with the exception of my husband) is materialistic.

My dreams: (not goals dreams, I have plenty of goals)

My number one dream has always been to be a good wife and an even better mother. To be able to bare my own children and be a stay at home mom.

Oddly enough I really can't think of anything else. I must have other dreams right? I seem to be so focused on this one dream that I seemed to have pushed aside or forgotten any other dreams I may have had. Maybe I have no other dreams? That just doesn't sound realistic.

Some people have told me to try not to focus so much on TTC. Try not to obsess over it. How do you not live, sleep, and breath something that you have wanted your entire life? I have dreamed of being a wife and a mother. I have dreamed my entire life of having babies. when I was little I'd put clothes under my shirt and pretend to be pregnant. As silly as it may sound to others it's my life long dream. It's all I've ever wanted. Picture your biggest dream (something realistic not unrealistic) something you have wanted your entire life... (and I'm not talking about a trip to the bahamas...something big) The one thing you want out of life...if you could have one wish what would it be? now picture never ever being able to attain that dream. Picture having to go through physical and mental turmoil month after month. Trying desperately to attain your dream. Doing everything in your power to get what you want. Only to find that after all the physical and mental pain that you failed once again.

Right now my life is taking care of my husband. Working full time so he can go to school. He works too but not because he has to. We can very easily live and save off of just my income. Granted his income lets us save even more money and that is why he choses to work. Not to mention he likes to work.

I love my husband but it has been a HUGE sacrifice for me to put him through school. I wouldn't change a thing even if I could but I'm tired. Tired of working my tail off. Tired of having a high stress job. Tired of working in sales...but where else will I make the money I make here? If I get any other job I'd make 10-20k (a year) less then I do at my current job.

I tell myself that when Jon graduates my options are open. However how do I justify leaving my job when our jobs combined will have us making around 100k? How do I justify leaving when we will be pocketing an entire income? I can't. I can't justify that. Not even for my own health. Am I crazy? Does anyone else do this?

What would be wise, would be to drop to part time when Jon graduates so I can take some time for myself. I've spent the past 4 years supporting him through school. It's time for a break. It's time for me to take time for myself. Don't get me wrong. I chose to support him and put him through school. It was a decision we made together. I wouldn't go back and change it even if I could. I'm very lucky to have the job I do. It gives me the insurance coverage I need for IVF.

Another stress is the fact that our company is being sold. As of right now I have my ins coverage through April of 2008 but that could change at any time. Our co pay also went up from $20 to $75 for "expensive" procedures. Not sure if that will effect me but it's a drop in the bucket compared to what others pay for IVF. I got an email today saying we could be sold and we are having a meeting. A VERY last minute meeting. I'm scared to death of losing my infertility coverage.

I had a blessing a while back (and I realize that those not of my faith will have no clue what I'm talking about here but M will) and it said I will get pregnant "sooner then I think." Well this IVF didn't work. Am I really supposed to believe it will happen on it's own? Um...yeah right. I have no idea what that statement means but it keeps ringing in my ears. This will sound terrible but as happy as I'd be I'd also be TICKED if I got pregnant on my own after everything I have put myself through. Can you imagine? After 3 failed IVF's? It would be like a slap in the face but a blessing all at the same time. Again I'd be so happy if it happened on our own...but to realize I went through all those treatments for nothing would be hard to swollow.

Defeated

My beta was negative. I'm in shock. I mean I knew this would happen. I honestly can't believe we will be doing IVF a 4th time. I feel defeated; like my infertility has won. I can't seem to get my body to make babies. I have a feeling my embryos die before they make it to the blast stage. Not to mention my most recent issue "sticky eggs". I'm angry. Angry this is happening to me. I thought for sure my 1st IVF would work....my second was a complete let down.

I feel like giving up. To be honest if it wasn't for my PB I would have given up long ago. Not to mention my desire to know what it feels like to become pregnant. Part of me wonders if Jon and I should fill out adoption papers while we pursue our 4th IVF but I'm scared and not ready to do that yet. I know that it can take years to get a baby through adoption so part of me sees no point in even trying.

I'm tired, angry, exhausted. I can't take this any more. I had a vacation set up for this week but Jon messed up the dates and we can't go. I'm so angry and sad that we can't go.

I just want to go home and sleep. AF is kicking me in the butt too so that doesn't help matters at all. I need a vacation but have to wait till mid December. I need a few days off from work but I only have 11.5 more hours to take and I'm using that for my vacation in December. I planned our vacation for tomorrow thru Saturday on purpose.

I feel defeated today. I feel like my infertility has won. YOU won are you happy now??? Can I have my life back please? I just want to be myself again but I can't. I'm a different person now. My infertility has changed me. I'm trying to make the best of it but it has hard. Trials change people. I'm trying to take this trial and make good of it but it's hard. Today I give up. Today I am defeated.

I could take some time off (again) but my insurance might change next year so we can't afford to take time off. Not to mention it takes about 3 months to complete an IVF anyway. That in and of itself is a break.

I feel like all the prayers in the world won't change a thing. Fact of the matter is my body doesn't know how to make babies.

I hope other people read this and realize what a miracle having a child truly is. It makes me sad that some people take it for granted.

red spotting

Well I've been spotting since 10dper. It has been brown up until today and only internal. Today it's pink and there when I whip. Cramps are really bad so I'm sure AF is on her way. I know that there is a small chance all this is pregnancy but I doubt it. I never spot that early but it could be the Crinone. DH has forbid me to test. Says I have to wait for my beta. I'm sure I'll have AF by then. :( My cramps are very bad though.

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spotting is now heavy and bright red. I'm going to go tomorrow morning for my beta. I could care less what my RE thinks at this point. I'm also switching clinics. I have no idea where. I'm assuming the clinic close to home since DH says he's sick of driving me down to Boston IVF. It makes for a very long day. Problem is I need to find a doctor who will do the testing I want done. If they won't do it I won't be their patient. I'm sick of being told what to do. It's my body, my insurance. I'm paying them. They WILL do what I want to do. (with in reason). I want CD 3's. Another SA, Blood testing for clotting disorder, kareotyping, immunity testing and an antral follicle count. I want to make sure I don't have DOF (diminished ovarian reserve). I want my next RE to put me on a higher dosage of gonal f. I'd rather over stim and have to put off transfer for a month if it means getting more eggs. with me it's not "it only takes one". that is complete crap. If it only took 1 egg I would have been pregnant a long time ago. YES it's quality not quantity but I don't even think my embryos are making it to the blast stage so I need enough to be able to do a 5dt so we can see what they are doing. I need someone that will be very aggressive with me. not someone who will label me "unexplained".

8dp3dt

Well I've officially ruined my weekend. BFN again today. I know I could still get a BFP but I'm not holding out hope. I will be 12DPER tomorrow and will use my last test. If no positive tomorrow then I'm going to officially give up. YES some woman get late +'s but it doesn't happen to often. Usually by 11 DPO they have gotten their BFP. Some as late as 12 DPO.

I knew I was right. I knew my embryos were dead when they transfered them.
I'm so sick of this. I don't understand why I can't get pregnant.

I had a blessing in which it said "it will happen sooner then you think." I'm starting to have doubts again. "yeah right" is all I can say. "what ever". Just as I started to have faith again...it's going to be completely crushed. Well if God isn't going to work with my time frame then I'm going to start looking into adoption. Regardless of whether my PB says by natural means. I control my life and I make my own decisions and I want a baby now not later. (how's that for a temper tantrum) Oddly enough DH and I talked about adoption and at this point that is the route he'd almost rather go. Unfortunately we just spent our savings on two heating systems (we own an apartment building) and a down payment on our new car. I'm sure by the time we got a baby we'd have the money though.

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I took a very long nap...well I actually went back to bed and got up at 3:30 and I feel better now. I still think I'm out of the running but we'll see. I don't know if I'll test tomorrow I think I might leave it for Monday morning. But then again I don't know if I want to do that to myself on Monday. AF should be here Monday or Tuesday. I always start regardless of progesterone. we shall see.

7dp3dt

BFN again this morning. Still early is what I keep telling myself. I just can't picture doing this a 4th time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Down to the wire

So I tested this morning but I knew it would be negative. I'm a little down in the dumps only because I know the next few days will be hard. I don' t know if I can really handle another disappointment's. I'm not looking forward to switching clinics. I'd like to go to the SHER institute in NY but it's a 4 hour drive. I could fly there the week of ER and ET but I'm so sick of being away from home for ER and ET. I think I'll look into their clinic and the clinic that is local. I may even cave and give my Re another shot but it really depends on what he says. I need someone that is going to be willing to do testing to see if I have DOR (diminished ovarian reserve) I have some signs..."sticky eggs" being one of them. I've only had my CD 3 bloods done once and my E2 was around 50. Not to bad but not as good as it could be.

well I will probably break down and test tomorrow, then Saturday and Sunday. I know tomorrow is early too but oh well.

actually there was a line on my HPT but it was an evap.

no such thing as empty follicles

I posted on www.haveababy.com (SIRMs forums where a doctor will respond to your posts for free) and here is what Dr. Sher said about empty follicles.

btw SIRM is a very reputable clinic and one of the top clinics in the US (from what I've been told)

It's nice to actually get an answer for once and not the crap my RE feeds me. I'll be interested to see what my RE has to say about it when I call him next week.

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Underdeveloped and mal-developed (dysmorphic) eggs often have an exceptionally dense surrounding cumulus cell cluster that tends to attach them tightly to the inner wall of the follicle. The hCG shot, which is intended to mature the egg and disperse(loosen) the cumulus cells so that the eggs will comes free upon suction and can thus be readily retrieved upon needle aspiration, often fails to cause sufficient dispersion of cumulus cells when the eggs are underdeveloped or dysmorphic. Consequently, such eggs are often so more tightly adherent to the inner follicle wall that they fail to release easily. In such cases the eggs may not be readily captured with the first attempt at follicle aspiration, requiring that such follicles be repeatedly irrigated( flushed) and or scraped to try and dislodge them. In severe cases, these fail to come free. When this happens there is a tendency to describe such follicles as being “empty” . Since this implies that such follicles did not house eggs, it is a complete misnomer. There is no such thing as “empty follicles”.

Since most RE's can easily perform the technical aspects of ER and since better quality eggs tend to readily release with the initial attempt at aspirating the follicle it follows that failure to successfully aspirate an egg is often due to the egg being immature or dysmature. The latter is usually indicative of the egg having an abnormal numerical chromosomal make-up (aneuploid).“Poor embryo quality is virtually synonymous with embryo aneuploidy and in >90% of such cases this is due to egg ( rather than sperm) aneuploidy.

Imperfection is part of the human condition. Thus a percentage of human eggs (regardless of age) will always develop abnormally (dysmorphism). Once exposed to an LH-surge or the “hCG-trigger" such eggs will have an abnormal number of chromosomes.

Egg dysmorphism and thus egg/embryo aneuploidy increases with age. In younger women ( <35yrs) 45%-50% of all eggs are aneuploidic, at 40yrs the incidence is about 60% at 43, approximately 80% and about 90% at age 45yrs. Fortunately, aneuploidic eggs/embryos fail to implant or miscarry early on in pregnancy. Sadly, depending upon which chromosome(s) is/are involved, developmental defects such as Down's syndrome (Trisomy 21) sometimes occurs.

The unavoidable threshold risk of age-related egg dysmorphism and aneuploidy can however be seriously compounded through over-exposure of developing eggs to male hormones (predominantly-testosterone). These hormones are normally produced by the connective tissue (stroma) that surrounds the egg-bearing follicle(s). Overgrowth of the stroma occurs with advancing age (beyond 35years) and/or at any stage when ovarian reserve declines below a certain threshold (evidenced by poor response to fertility drugs, rising day 3 FSH level, falling Inhibin B levels, etc.). The eggs of such women are thus inordinately vulnerable to an over-exposure to LH-induced ovarian testosterone. In such cases, over-administration of LH-like products(hCG) or LH-containing fertility drugs (Repronex or the use of ovarian stimulation protocols such as "Flare-agonist protocols" that establish very high LH levels early on in the stimulation cycle) can be especially harmful.


There is little one can do to reduce the age-related risk of egg/embryo aneuploidy. However since the risk of compounding egg dysmorphism and thus egg/embryo aneuploidy can be avoided by individualized stimulation protocol selection and precise timing of the hCG “trigger shot”… both very important considerations when attempting to improve egg/embryo quality and IVF outcome, especially in older women and those with diminished ovarian reserve.

Dr. Sher

thoughts

Well I wanted to talk to my RE about my embryos but he has been to busy to talk to me so I emailed his secretary and asked her to email my question to him. I want his in put about my embryos. In the morning on Thursday the 2 we transfered were 4 cells. At 1:00 (over 24 hours later) they were 5 cells. Yes I've heard of people having success with 5 cells but a 1 cell growth in over 24 hours usually means they will die. Then again I could be completely off base too...which is why I wanted to talk to my doctor.

I realize the odds of this cycle working is slim (in my mind) I guess I finally got to the point where I can't picture getting a BFP. Oddly enough I think I'll be ok if I get a BFN. I'll be upset and I'll probably cry but I won't be devastated like I was the past two times. I really really hope this works because I'm not looking forward to switching clinics. Once I find out if this cycle worked or not I'm setting up a consult with a new fertility clinic. one that is closer to home. ER and ET are in the same town I work in. I wish I had known about them to begin with!

back from transfer

well we transfered the two 5 cells today. Apparently they were grade 2 (the 3 cell was grade 3) how the heck they give them a grade that early on boggles my mind. I'm still hoping that I get my BFP but I'm trying to be realistic too. I cant' help but hope. As soon as I saw them get put in (on the screen) I couldn't help but smile. I feel so much better having transfered them. At least I'm giving them a chance.

I asked woman on FF and I have heard some success stories of 5 cell embryos. Guess they are just slow growers which means they might be blasts by day 6 rather then day 5. I'm going to try not to test until at least 10 DPO because I KNOW trigger will be gone by then. I may not test at all...we'll see. :)

not looking good

well according to the embryologist I spoke to (who was extremely cold and kind of to the point) said that my grade 3 arrested (no cell growth in 24 hours) and the two grade 2's are 5 cells today. That means one of them only had a 1 cell growth in 24 hours (I'm assuming it's on it's death bed) and the other had a 2 cell growth in 24 hours (could just be a slow grower/late implanter).

I'm not very hopeful of this cycle and will be switching clinics after this IVF. Boston IVF is supposed to be one of the top clinics. They have 3 times the experience of most clinics (even top clinics like CCRM) they had over 3k cycles in 2005 with fairly good success rates. Success rates are going to be a bit more 'realistic' when you've done a lot of cycles.

I'm so sad. DH still wants to do the transfer and has hope. I have given up at this point. I know my embryos could use my hope right now but I just have none. I'm done with this roller coaster ride.
No wonder we have never gotten pregnant on our own or through IUI's. Even though our embryo's have good grades and look beautiful they never make it to implantation. Just goes to show that the grade is pretty pointless and means nothing.

change of plans

Unfortunately transferring all 3 is out of the question. Jon doesn't want twins for our first. He would be ok with twins if we already had 1 baby. His issue is he doesn't even know how to hold a baby and he is scared and wants to learn to be a dad with 1 baby. I don't blame him but it makes this very hard. He also doesn't want to pay to freeze just 1 embryo and I refuse to throw it out! So we compromised and agreed to transfer 2 embryos and freeze the other one. However I'm calling my Dr. tomorrow to push out my transfer. If we only have 2 tomorrow when I call then we will go in. If we still have 3 I will call on Saturday (day 4) and get an update on them. IF there is only 2 then we will go in for transfer. If there are 3 I will wait until Sunday and transfer then and freeze the 3rd. My goal of course is to have 1 healthy baby. I can't even fathom actually getting pregnant let alone with more then 1.

only problem is they are closed over the weekend and I don't know if I'll be able to get an update on Saturday. I'm pretty sure I can. I think my Dr. (or the doctor on call) will have to call in to get the embryo stats and call me. UGGG. I hate this!!!

Still going strong

I got to find out about my embryos today. Today is 2dtER and they should be around 4 cells.

In my clinic grade 3 is above average (the best grade) and 2 is average (1 is under average)

4 cell grade 3!
4 cell grade 2!
3 cell grade 2!

I'm nervous about the 3 cell but I suppose it could have still been dividing when they looked at it today. I hope all 3 are around 8 cells tomorrow so we can transfer all 3. I know the doctors wont' want me to since they are all good quality (grade 2 is considered good and grade 3 is considered excellent-"high chance of implantation")
With IVF #1 I had an 8 cell grade 3 and a 5 cell grade 2. The 8 cell was "high chance of implantation" and the 5 cell just seemed to be growing slower. I'm not scared at all of transfering all 3 (ok a tiny bit) but DH is. WE won't want to freeze just one so we'd transfer all 3. :)

transfer is tomorrow at 1:15. I'm so nervous! I want them all to make it to 8 cells by tomorrow. :)

Miracles to happen

I couldn't take it any more...I had to call for my report and I am in shock. All 3 fertilized! I asked Andrea (the girl that told me) how often they check on them and she said once a day. She then said she can sneak me a report tomorrow. I will not know the grade or cells until right before the transfer on Friday (have to be there at 12:45). I asked DH if he is ok with transfering all 3 and he said no. I asked if he is willing to and he said "I don't know, lets see what happens." I'm hoping all 3 make it to day 3 so we can transfer them all. In his mind 3 equals 3 babies. With my first IVF I had 2 and didn't get pregnant. After all I've been through I'll take the chance of multiples. I know that multiples is a harder pregnancy and a higher risk for the mother and babies but I very highly doubt that would happen.

Devastated

9 follicles equaled 3 eggs. DH and I are pretty devastated. I realize it only takes 1 but hearing that wont' help. I'm trying my best to be positive but I'm finding it extremely hard right now. I'll find out tomorrow afternoon how many fertilized. last time we only had 3 eggs 1 fertilized and didn't make it. Please pray for a miracle that all 3 fertilize and make it for transfer. I'm so sick of this and I want it to be over. I'd gladly transfer all 3 (and DH agrees) if I'm that lucky. so 6 of my follicles were empty (fluid there but no egg)

I can not believe this is happening.

IVF #1
150 iu gonal F and ganerellix
8 follicles = 7 eggs 1 was "narcotic" (bad quality) 6 good eggs, all ICSI but only 3 fertilized
2 made it to a 3dt (one completely 100% perfect 8 cell and one 5 cell) BFN

IVF #2
225 iu gonal f
lupron protocol
3 follicles = 3 eggs did ICSI 1 fertilized and was bad quality...died in the lab...no transfer

current IVF (#3)
225 IU gonal F & ganerelliz
9 follicles 6 empty 3 eggs. Will find out fertilization tomorrow. We are doing ICSI on all of them.
I cant' wait to talk to my doctor to see what his reaction is. Needless to say I'm quite angry that they didn't listen to me and do an antral follicle count or CD 3 blood work.

Pain after ER was a little worse then usual so they gave me codeine. I don't know if it's that or the anesthesia but I feel really nauseous so I'm going to lay down.

This is the worst part

The next few days are going to STINK! I hate the wait. My E2 was only 950.4 on Saturday. It should be around 200 per follicle. I did have some follicles around 15mm so it's possible they just were not mature yet (and will be for retrieval) my problem is I worry to much. I worry about my numbers. I mean with IVF #1 I had 8 follicles but one was empty and one of the eggs was "nartoic" which is just a fancy way of saying it was complete crap. (if the egg gets to big that can happen).

So I wait in the anticipation to hear how many they retrieve tomorrow. I'm still trying to hope there are more hiding but with my E2 as low as it is I highly doubt that! Then after tomorrow I wait to find out how many were mature/good quality and out of those how many fertilized (will find out Wednesday)THEN I wait to find out how many make it to day 2. They will update me on day 2 (Thursday) and tell me how many cells they are and how many I had left. AND then they will tell me if Friday is my Transfer or Sunday. I'm hoping for a 5 day transfer and that would be Sunday. But based on how IVF #1 went I highly doubt that I will be that lucky.

I'm really sad. I can't stand this. I really don't know how many more times I can do this. If I do it again I'm going to a different clinic. A clinic that will do a clomid challenge test so I can see what my day 10 FSH is (checks for diminished ovarian reserve) and an antral follicle count. I SHOULD have gotten more then 9 follicles. I was on 150 iu for IVF #1 and I had 8 follicles. With this one I'm on 225 and only got 9. It just seems as though my response is getting worse.

I hate this. I never want to do this again. I hate how they don't do simple tests because I'm "young". NOW my IUI doctor is thinking I might have diminished ovarian reserve. Lovely. Now she wonders. NOW after 4 failed IUI's and 2 failed IVF cycles. My IVF doctor isn't concerned but shouldn't he be? I mean I"m "only" 28 and I can only get 9 follicles???????

8 days of stims

ok I'm just going to copy and paste what I wrote in my FF buddy groups

I doubt this is the case with me but oh well. This morning the doctor that did my IUI's (I still go to her clinic for u/s and b/w and they fax it to my Dr. in Boston) was asking if I ever had a CD 10 FSH (clomid challenge test) "nope" I replied. I was "only" 26 when I first started infertility treatments so that is why she didn't do one. Her and my IVF doctor also refused to do an antral count on me as well. I've never had that done.

I realize that in some peoples eyes I'm still "young". While I realize this is the case it doesn't mean there are not other issues. I mean where did the phrase "premature ovarian failure" come from? Obviously woman who are "young" who don't respond that well to stims.

Granted with 150 gonal f I get 6-8 follicles (which equals about 6 eggs)

however with 225 this month I have 9 (unless there are more hiding which I doubt). It just seems as though my response is getting worse.

what is the harm in doing an antral count? It's my insurance/money and my body.

thanks for the vent. I'm looking for any stories/experiences.

If this IVF doesn't work I'm switching doctors and I WILL be getting the clomid challenge test along with CD 3 bloods and an antral count. I'll find a doctor who is willing to actually try to find out what the problem is rather then giving me the "unexplained" label.

My DH is really annoyed. He hates doctors now. He said "oh now they want to find out what the problem is." Now after over a year and a half of sticking myself with needles .

I guess I didn't stim as "slowly" as I thought I was. The follicles kind of sped up towards the end. Now I just wait for the Dr. to call me. I'm assuming I'll trigger tonight for a Tuesday retrieval.
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update: the nurse called....and BTW she has the most annoying voice. You'd think that I had just won a million dollars or something. What is up with her being all excited? Nothing about this is exciting. I'm dreading this entire process. this whole thing sucks and I don't want to do it but I am because I want a baby. Man this SUCKS!
I forgot to ask her my E2 levels and now I'm ticked. I'll have to call tomorrow morning to get my results. My ER is 11:30 Tuesday but they want us to be there at 8:30. It takes us 2 hours to drive there with the rush hour traffic! And I will have a 3 hour wait?!? Are you kidding me? I'm calling my doctor tomorrow to ask if we can show up later. this is ridiculous.

6 days of stims

I had my u/s this morning. I have not gotten my E2 level yet but I will edit my post and add it when I get it (this afternoon). This morning my u/s showed I only have 9 follicles. I'm not happy that I only have 9 but I'm happy that they are growing more steady this time. They were all under 15mm. Most were only 12-13mm. :)

I'm really hoping I get a few more with in the next few days but I don't know. I'm also hoping my dr keeps me on the 225 (I see no reason he should lower it). I am baffled that I have only 9 and I'm on 225. I had 8 follicles with my 150. I'm just hoping these 9 are great quality. I'm hoping to have at least 70% fertilization. If that's the case and I end up with 10. that will give me 7 fertilized eggs. I really want to do a 5dt this time and I need 6 fertilized and to make it to day 3 in order to do that. If my fertilization stays at about 50% then I need a dozen eggs retrieved in order to get 6 to fertilize.

I'm analyzing this WAY to much. LOL I need to get back to work. I'm extremely exhausted today. I'm physically and emotionally drained. I have been VERY good about not having emotional out bursts this time too! I'm crabby but I'm trying very hard to stay calm.

I can't wait to go home. Tonight is date night and I think we will get something to take home to eat and curl up on the couch with a movie or two. Sometimes we hang out with my SIL & her husband but I think tonight will be Jon and I. :)

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Edit. I just noticed that after 6 days of stims in IVF #1 my follicles were about the same size. I had a few that were over 16mm but most were under 15mm. So I guess I'm stiming at about the same rate? Who knows...feels like I'm stiming more steady this time. I'm guessing I'll trigger on Monday or Tuesday.
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Update #2
My nurse called and said on top of the 9 follies I have between 12 and 15mm (most of them are 12-13mm) I also have "lots" under 12mm too!! I have a chance at getting more. :)
My E2 is 829.20! My next u/s is on Sunday.
OH and my lining was 10mm

update

My E2 came back at 417. I'm shocked. My follicles are so tiny I'm suprised my E2 is so high. Luckly my Re is having me to 2 more nights on the 225 then go in on Friday morning for an u/s. I will probably have to start my ganerellix on Friday but who knows.

I posted on FF in my IVF buddy groups about my E2 levels. I'm curious what they say. I'm shocked it's so high with my follicles so small.

Slow and steady wins the race

OK so this time I am responding WAY differently to the drugs then I normally do. The only different thing I did was take 3 months off to go on herbs. Apparently the herbs have helped....either that or it's a coincidence. Here is what today's u/s showed:

After 4 days of gonal f 225iu

Left: 4 follicles under 9 (maybe more smaller then that)
Right: 3 under 9 and 1 at 11.5
Lining was triple stripe and 7.8!!! (BTW triple stripe is GREAT!!) --acupuncture is working!!!

Ok so here are some stats from some of my prior cycles (IUI and IVF)

cycle #22 150 iu gonal f

11/27 351.7 E2

11/28 first u/s:-After 3 days of gonal F 150iu
Right side: 15.57, 13.50, 13.75 & 13.35
Left side: 8.75, 9.12, 9.04.

12/1
right side: two 18's, two 17's, one 13
left side: three 12's (tech said 11's)

12/2-Triggered
right side: two 22's, one 20, one 19
left: three 12's (I thought they were 14mm)

********
Cycle #23 month 19
To many left over follicles to count.
OHSS. Taking cycle off. ON BCP.
********
Cycle #24 150 iu gonal F & double IUI
1/15 CD 7 -after 4 days of goanl f 150
15mm, 13mm and three 11mm follies.
lots under 10mm.

1/17
E2 1,793 LH 4.0
Left side:
20mm, 17mm three 14mm's (5 total)
Right side:
five 14mm and one 12mm

1/18
Left:
23mm, 19mm, 19mm, four at 16mm

right side:
15.84, 17.57, 16.82, 15.12, 16.66, 17.51, 11.75
Trigger 9:00pm
Ovulation either CD 11 or CD 12.

1/26 progesterone level 75.5!!!!!!
2/2 negative blood test. Progesterone zero
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cycle #25 month 21
On a break due to 3 left over follies/cysts.
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cycle #26, Month 22
150IU gonal F & double IUI
3/8 CD 6
Left 4 follies all 10 or 11mm
Right-1 at 11mm
E2-453-got some nice strong follies growing

3/9 CD 7-after 4 days of gonal f 150iu
Left-14mm, 12mm, 12mm, 11mm
Right-11mm, 11mm.

3/10 CD 8
Left-17.8, 16.6, 15.8, 15.4, 14.6
Right-14.8, 14.7
E2-1,031
Continue with 150IU
Started the Cetrotide today.

3/12 CD 10
Left: 20mm, 21mm, three 19mm, 15mm
Right: 18mm and 19mm
Trigger at 8:30 am
3/13 IUI 9:00 am 25 hours post trigger
3/14 IUI 9:00 am 49 hours post trigger
3/20 7 DPO progesterone 56!

3/26 AF found me late last night.
on to IVF.
***********
First IVF cycle
CD2 5/12 150IU gonal F
CD6 u/s & blood work after 4 days of gonal f 150iu
E2 512.7
follies = two 10mm, one 11mm and one 14mm.
CD 6 & 7 112.5IU gonal F & Cetrotide

5/18 CD 8 (6 days of stims)

E2 =568.0

Left: 15.54, 12.73k 13.32, 14.23
Right: 13.15, 16.64, 11.76, 10.32

5/20
Lining 8.96
E2 727
Left: 18.31, 14.70, 14.02, 17.39

Right: 22.08, 17.97, 15.84, 16.05

7 retrieved 1 crappy 6 good, 6 ICSI'd
3 fertilized
2 made it to day 3. 1 8cell grade 3 (H.I.P), 1 5 cell grade 2.
BFN

IVF#2

6/25 10 units of lupron
7/3-5 units of Lupron
7/5 225IU Gonal F
7/9-E2 162.7 continue w/ 225IU Gonal F

7/12- (6 days of FSH)
E=over 600
follies
R-zero :(
L-17.7, 16.54, 13.5, 11.23. :(

7/13 (7 days of stims)
L-two 20's one 16mm.
one 10mm and a few 8's on the right
Lining 14.4!
Trigger 9 pm
7/15=3 eggs retrieved
7/16=1 egg fertilized
Embryo stopped growing. Transfer Canceled.

If you look at the bolded text you will notice that with just about all of my cycles my follies were over 10mm and more towards 14mm. I'm shocked and amazed at how my body is presponding. I'm wondering if my doctor will actually have to increase my dosage. I have to admit I'm still a little nervous but happy that my body is stimming slower. I can't wait to see what the nurse has to say when she calls me with my instructions this afternoon!

Sad day

I just found out today that one of my friends on FF had a m/c. She is in my IVF buddy group we have all grown very close over the short period of time we have been a buddy group. I'm torn in side for her. I'm so sad. She has been TTC for over 5 years and this was her first time she ever got pregnant. She has decided to not post on FF any more (and I completely understand) but it won't be the same with out her.

Anyhow, I'm so sad. I really wish I could take her pain away. I would gladly give up my IVF cycle if it meant she could keep her baby. It just doesn't seem to be fair that she has to go through this after all she has been through. I can't even begin to relate to what she is feeling.

Plans for the week

I've decided that I needed to make a game plan for the next few weeks. Here is a copy of the post I made in my IVF buddy group on FF. Thought I'd post it here. I'm feeling a bit better then I did earlier today. I think what I need to do is have goals each day. Nothing long term. Like tomorrow my goal is to go to work then come home and finish my winter cleaning. I'm putting away summer stuff and taking out Winter stuff. My goal is to have the house clean by Wednesday. Because by then my E2 will be high (which means more mood swings), I'll probably be bloated and I want to be able to rest until my IVF is over.

My first u/s will tell me how many I'm more likely to get. I'm nervous that the higher dosage will just make my follie's grow faster but I know that won't happen. I'm really hoping for a 5dt. Regardless of how many follicles I have I just want a 5dt!! My RE wants 6 fertilized eggs in order to go for a 5d and I think that most of them have to make it to day 3 in order to push for a 5dt. I have my heart set on it even though I know I shouldn't. I just really want to see my embryo's get to that point. In a perfect world I'd like to see one or both hatching at transfer too. That way I at least know that they can make it through the shell. I know...I'm asking a lot aren't I? I say I want these things but I won't get my heart totally set on it because I don't want to be let down if it doesn't happen. I also know that a 5dt isn't necessarily better then a 3d either but I personally would just like to see my embryo's make it that far. Not to mention it's less of a wait.

Well I talked to DH about what we can do the next few weeks to make this cycle easier. I asked him to help out around the house and it was willing to do so but admitted that he'd have his face in a book most of the month because he has major projects coming up. SO I decided to bust my rump the next few days and tidy up the house. I'm going to do some cleaning. Put summer stuff away and get winter stuff out.

My anniversary is 11/7 so I also made sure he is going to do something nice for me. 11/7 is the day I have my first u/s so I hope that is good luck and not bad!!! I'm hoping for at least 10 follicles.

8 more days

Well AF finally came on Friday so I started my Gonal F injections on Saturday evening. I'm excited to begin but nervous too. I have mixed feelings. Approximately 7 - 8 more days of stims then I'll trigger for retrieval. My first ultrasound and blood work is on Wednesday. I guarentee my E2 is going to be over 500 and I'll have some follicles between 11 and maybe even up to 14mm. I'm hoping I stim at least 9 days this time (10 would be ideal) but I doubt it. I'll probably go 8 days if I'm lucky. I'm so nervous that the higher Gonal F dosage will just make my follies grow faster vs getting more. I'm sure that won't be the case but none the less I'm nervous.

I've been really crabby lately and I don't know how to snap out of it. I hate what my IF has done to me.

No AF yet

Well AF isn't here yet. :( That means I won't be able to start stims till Saturday and that is assuming AF shows up tonight or tomorrow. If she is not here by noon tomorrow I will call my Dr. and see what he wants me to do.

I have not felt well all day today. I'm hot and I've got the shakes (hard to explain) I also keep having weird pinching in my uterine area. I'm assuming AF is playing tricks on me because I've been on the pill for 3 weeks so there is no chance of pregnancy. Unless I was pregnant from last cycle but I doubt that since my progesterone was SOOOOO low and my follie was WAY to big and probably crap!!!

*sigh* I'm so frustrated. I hope she shows up tonight.