Clomid is EVIL!

I am on clomid for my clomid challenge test this month. I am on day 4 of 100mg of clomid. I have been on clomid once before and all I did was have hot flashes and exhaustion/fatigue & nightmares. This time (I'm on twice the dosage i was the first time and it's been about 1.5 years since then) I have fatigue/exhaustion, mood swings, irritability, hot flashes, nightmares, etc. needless to say I can't wait for this cycle to be over! LOL. I go in on 1/2 for my blood work. I'm quite excited. I'm curious what my TSH will be by then. Not to mention my FSH! I really hope it turns out to be an ok number.


I also am hoping that it shows that my endometritis is gone. However on the other hand it would be nice to be able to stay on the antibiotics for a few more weeks just to be sure the infection is gone. A friend of mine on FF says that the bacteria multiplies rapidly so if there are ANY left over it will end up coming back again. She said I should be on the meds for about 3 weeks. I'd rather do it now so it will be gone for my IVF. I'm afraid my RE will tell me it's not necessary. I'm hoping that even if he doesn't think it's necessary that he will let me go back on it. It can't hurt so why not??

Why did I do that again?

I went back and re read my entries through most of September. Why on earth did I do that? All it did was bring back all the pain of my past IVF's. Not to mention the frustration of being almost 29 with no baby. I know I'm young compared to lots of people. I want a big family thought and I wanted to be done by 35. (preferably at 32-33). I hear the comment "lots of woman in their 40's are having kids". SO? I don't want to be having my kids when I am 40.

Ok I should probably go do something and stop dwelling on this or I'll be depressed all day.

slowly finding pieces to the puzzle

Well I started Clomid today for the clomid challenge test.

I go back in for blood work on 1/2. If my FSH level is to high it will indicate diminished ovarian reserve. My FSH on day 3 was very good (6.4) Last time I was on clomid it was in 2005 and it was only 50mg. This time I'm on 100mg. The only side effect I had last time was hot flashes. At least it's not the middle of summer! :)

I also got my TSH level back. It was higher then most doctors like it to be. My level was 4.68. My doctor is going to recheck it on 1/2 when I go in for blood work. A high TSH could indicate an under-active thyroid (hypothyroid).

I've read "symptoms" of hypothyroid and I seem to have some of them. Mainly high cholesterol (yes you read that right I have high cholesterol) fatigue/exhaustion, mood swings (although that could be lots of things) and weight gain. I'm NOT over weight by any means but I have gained over 10 lbs in the past year. I was underweight for my height and now I'm on the higher end for my height (if not slightly over). I'm happy with my weight but if I keep gaining that could be another story.

I asked my doctor if I could trigger ovulation with an HCG shot this month (since my body refuses to release eggs till they are GIGANTIC and old) but he said no. he said he "wants to see" what my body does "on it's own". *sigh* I have been through this with 2 different doctors. It's like starting over. However he's the doctor so I'll do what he wants. I just figured since we are on clomid we might as well give it a shot this month. With out a trigger though I have pretty much no chance.

It's kind of frustrating to be starting from scratch with another doctor but oh well. At least he is taking the time to do these tests. I'm hoping that he will look into my thyroid further (test my T4, T3 and antithyroid antibodies) I searched online and I can't really find where it has a "normal" TSH level. One web site said it should be under 4.4. So according to that mine is not THAT bad. However woman on the FF forums say their doctors like it around a 2 for TTC. A over active (or under active)thyroid can be bad for a pregnancy. Not to mention these woman said they felt MUCH better once their thyroid was down to about a 2. I'd be curious to see if "fixing" it (getting down to a 2.0) would help me feel better. It's amazing how an over active thyroid can really mess with your entire body. I never realized how much it effects things. It even can mess up a menstrual cycle. Who knows if that's part of the reason I have issues in that area. (delayed ovulation, low progesterone due to a weak ovulation etc)

A new cycle has begun

Well I got AF yesterday. She came just as I expected. I always have a 9 day LP with out progesterone support. My ovulation on my own is so weak and crappy.

I go in on 12/26 for blood work. I'll be CD 4 but that is ok. I started AF mid day yesterday so it will be pretty close to being CD 3. I start the Clomid for the CCT on 12/27 and go in on 12/2 for my blood work to see what my FSH level is.

My AF this time is heavier and steadier. I'm hoping that means the antibiotics are working. One of the signs of Endometritis/bacterial infection is light periods. My doctors never sounded concerned that my periods were 1-2 days and very light. *rolls eyes*

You have GOT to be kidding me!

There is a girl on FF who thinks the NuvaRing will make her more fertile because she got pregnant when she was on it at the age of 18. She is now 22 yo. Her doctor put her on the NuvaRing again to help her get pregnant. Her charts indicate PCOS but she claims she doesn't have it. Yet she can go 7 months with out getting her period. UM...ok yeah that is totally normal.

My post:

to the OP It is rediculous that your doctor put you on BC to TTC. BC does not get you pregnant nor does it make you fertile.

Quote:

NuvaRing® contains two types of hormones, estrogen and progestin (just like the pill), that prevent your ovaries from producing mature eggs.

It is extremely unlikely that you will ovulate on the nuva ring. The fact that you got pregnant on it in the first place is nothing but a complete miracle. Your temps don't indicate ovulation. The reason they are probably spiking is because the NuvaRing has progesterone in it and progesterone causes high temps.

Kara-Your temps also don't indicate ovulation. FF may put lines on your chart but don't always trust what FF says. Your temp dipped so my guess is you have not ovulated yet. I'm thinking FF will take way your lines in a day or so or give you new ones.

Sorry if my post sounds harsh. If it's offensive please let me know and I will delete my post. I hate to say it but it sounds like your doctor is wasting your time. Have you tried clomid yet? Your charts appear as though you have PCOS?

Her reply:

Hvnst2: I appreciate you opinion, but you do not know the situation. I have already gotten pregnant on the NR once, and have a beatiful 4 year old to prove it. My temps, if you look, have been 100% erratic before I got on the NR. I had a progesterone test today proving that I did indeed ovulate. My CNM called me with the restults an hour ago. My Prog. at the beginning of my cycle was normal for Pre-O and it is now above 50. I have low progesterone due to weight as it is. I dont not have PCOS, which was the original assumtion I made. That was proven incorrect - perfect ovaries ZERO cysts... yay! My CNM is not wasting anything as I've already been TTC for four years.

I know several women of "size" that have gotten pregnant on the NR. It does not work to prevent pregnancy if you're weight is a certain amout out of the "normal" range for your height, says so on the foil pouch and the instructions.

Your post doesnt seem harsh, a little unsupportive but I can understand why. Most people frown at BC to achieve pregnancy, but it's been done before. A lot of docs put women on BC to regulate cycles. Granted, once off the BC they are right back to where they were... but we're hoping that this isnt the case w/me.

Obviously it's working since my progesterone shows I've ovualted. If i am not pregnant this cycle, we're going to do u/s next cycle to check follies and see where we're at with that.

Clomid is usually not Rx'd for over weight women as it has a tendancy to cause weight gain, and lots of it. It may be the next step, but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. As of now, NR is doing what it did before and I'll let you know when I'm pregnant.

Merry Christmas & God bless.

My reply:

Well good luck. I certainly hope you prove me wrong. I guess you can't blame me for feeling the way I do. It just seems silly to go on BC to achieve pregnancy. I've never ever heard of that being done before (besides being put on the BCP to suppress my ovaries for IVF).

I wish you all the luck in the world and will look for your BFP announcement but no need to pm me or anything.

I have never been this annoyed in my life. This annoys me more then Brittany spears 16 yo sister getting knocked up.

Am I off base here? How on earth can someone be stupid enough to think that BC helps you get pregnant? The NuvaRing has estrogen and progesterone in it for goodness sakes. You'd be lucky to ovulate and if you get pregnant it is a miracle.

Just as the pain subsided. Just when I finally got myself back. Right when I was finally feeling happy again. I have to go read a post like that. All it does is bring back all the pain. All I want to do is just go cry. Why did I have to read that post? Why couldn't I just stick to my IVF recyclers forum? I try to be a nice person and go on the other boards and respond to posts with helpful information. Occasionally I stumble upon a post like the aforementioned.

Now my question is this: How long will it take for this pain to go away again?

Finally done!

I finished my Christmas shopping today. I've never done shopping this late in the season. I don't even want to ad up how much money we spent. It makes me sick to think about it. It just wasn't a good year. Getting both heating systems in our appartement building replaced and the down payment on our car really has put us on a strict budget. By the end of January we should be fine. It's just all the christmas gifts that has kind of put us on a very tight budget for a few months. I have no idea why...we are always able to pay out bills and save money every month. Oh well, it's teaching us what it's like to have to pinch pennies for a change...and.... I HATE IT!!! LOL. Jon is on School break and will be working full time for a month so that will help!

I'm feeling great about taking time off before I do my next IVF. I'm so happy I get to do the clomid challenge test next month. I doubt I'd get pregnant but if the bacteria is cleared up then I'd like to take advantage of it and try next month. I'm dreading even doing another IVF. See this is what happens when I take time off from IVF. it's so much easier to handle if I just start BCP after I get AF. Once I realize how nice it is to have my mental/physical health back to normal it makes it very very hard to even think about doing another IVF. Last time I took 3 months off in between IVF #2 and #3. I had an anxiety attack after I got off the phone with the nurse. I cried for days. I felt sick to my stomach. Why any of us have to go through this is beyond me.

Anyhow, point is I'm enjoying being me again. :)

can we postpone Christmas?

I just can't get myself in the Christmas spirit. I STILL need to send out Christmas cards and I haven't even bought gifts yet! DH and I do our shopping online but since we have 1 week till Christmas we might have to venture into the stores *gulp*

I don't have a Christmas tree or any Christmas decoration in the house yet. I do have my decoration in the living room but they are still in the plastic container!

DH & I cleaned a bit this weekend. We also decided to re-arrange the living room on a whim. It looks much better the way it is.

I wish I could snap out of it and get myself excited for Christmas but I just can't. Maybe getting a Christmas tree will help. I need to figure out where we are putting it so we can get one tomorrow!

Update: I did my Christmas cards today. I still have a few I need to do but those I don't have to mail ( for Church friends) Now I just need to order our Christmas gifts (Jon and I are avid online shoppers) it's great to shop in your PJ's!

Good post from Dr. Sher

Here is what Dr. Sher himself posted on his forums (one of the founders and a good RE from SIRM -Sher institute)

Quote:
…………………………………….It is unfortunately not often appreciated that IVF should never be undertaken without a prior, thorough and comprehensive clinical and psychological evaluation. IVF is an emotional, financial and physical roller coaster which is only worth contemplating when you have reasonable expectations about the outcome. It is simply not good enough to jump right in to the process without undergoing an in-depth assessment of all the variables that can impact outcome. Always remember…., IVF is a classic example of the "chain being as strong as it’s weakest link". So “plan the trip, before taking the ride” or be prepared for a poor outcome.

Simply because a woman conceives once does not mean that she is just as likely (or even able) to be successful again. Let me pose two (2) theoretical examples to clarify what I mean:

Example #1: A woman with endometriosis has one baby with fertility drugs than cannot get pregnant a second time after repeated attempts with the same treatment: All women with endometriosis (regardless of severity) inevitably have to contend with the existence of “peritoneal toxins” in the pelvic secretions on the surface of and surrounding their ovaries, tubes and uteri .When upon ovulation, eggs pass from the ovary to the tube(s), they come in contact with this “toxic peritoneal factor” which renders the envelopment of the egg(the zona pellucida) less pregnable to sperm. As a consequence, such eggs subsequently 4 to 6 times less likely to be successfully fertilized upon arriving in the Fallopian tube(s).. This explains why a 35year old woman who has endometriosis will have about a 3% chance of conceiving per month of trying as compared with about 15% in for fertile woman of the same age. The “toxic peritoneal factor impacts on eggs that are ovulated (whether spontaneously or following the use of fertility drugs) and serves to explain why the chance of pregnancy is much reduced in normally ovulating women with endometriosis, regardless of whether fertility drugs and/or intrauterine insemination is used , or whether endometriotic deposits are removed surgically. An ovulating woman who fits the bill as outlined above in example #1, does have a chance (albeit markedly reduced) but this chance is markedly compromised and can only be improved by side tracking the toxins in the pelvis through IVF. .AND if such a woman were to conceive following spontaneous or induced, her chances of repeating her good fortune again, by the same approach would revert to being much reduced. It would be wrong for her or her physician to assert otherwise. But alas, all to often the prior pregnancy leads to a sense of false confidence that the same good fortune will again occur, just as easily as the first time. Often times this results in women trying cycle after cycle , often for years , only to be rewarded by “failure” and despondency. Eventually time runs out as, her egg quality declines with age and her ovarian reserve becomes depleted as she gets nearer to the pre-menopause.

Example #2: A 36 year old woman with endometriosis does IVF, has a baby but cannot conceive a few years later after trying IVF again and again and again…. The reason might be that 30% of women with endometriosis develop uterine natural killer cell activation (NKa) . This might not have occurred to the extent of precluding a viable pregnancy by her first IVF attempt, but now is in full force…resulting in a profound immunologic implantation problem. Going to IVF was appropriate but failure to keep an eye open for an emerging immunologic implantation problem…was in my opinion constitutes an error of omission. She might well have had another IVF baby had she undergone NKa down-regulation with IVIG 7-14 days prior to embryo transfer and perhaps had one follow up IVIF infusion upon the diagnosis of pregnancy!

So, simply because one confounding issue (e.g natural killer cell activation [NKa] is detected does not mean that other issues are not coexisting or in the process of developing.

my favorite part is his conclusion

Quote:

This is one of my biggest gripes about how IVF is often conducted because failure to perform a THOROUGH and comprehensive evaluation in all women undergoing IVF represents a serious error of omission and one that fundamentally compromises the chance of a success birth following IVF. After all, this is NOT about doing IVF, it is about having a baby and the cost of the latter not the former is what counts. Simply stated, if treatment for IVF is approached correctly and all variables that affect seed (embryo) quality and Soil (uterine receptivity) are evaluated and addressed thoroughly upfront, then the cost per baby (emotional, physical and financial goes DOWN). If you now cannot afford to be properly and thoroughly reassessed and treated, do not do another IVF. Save your money for the child you already have been blessed with!

The results are in

I had my follow up appointment with my new RE today. When we did the Hystersocopy he also took a piece of my uterine lining so he could do a biopsy. As I stated in an earlier entry the hysteroscopy showed that everything looked fine. However my biopsy results showed I have Chronic Endometritis (NOT to be confused with Endometriosis!)

If you read the definition of Chronic You'll read that it means it can often come back. My RE said it can be treated with an antibiotic. Jon and I will take it for 10 days. I have taken this before when I had Ureaplasma. It's discusting and makes me feel ill. Funny thing is it's also prescribed for Acne.

Anyhow, Endometritis makes it very hard for implantation to happen and if it does the pregnancy will more then likely end before you even get a positive pregnancy test (also known as a biochemical pregnancy) I'll take the antibiotics then be retested after 10 days. :)

What's funny is my first doctor attempted to do an endometrial biopsy (biopsy of my lining) when I first seeked fertility treatments but they couldn't get into my uterus due to my bent cervix (anteverted uterus) Once they figured out that they could do it (by bending the catheter) she opted to not bother to do the test. MY IVF doctor also said I didn't need one...even though I asked a few times. I swear if this goes away and I get pregnant I'll be happy but very mad that these doctors wasted my time. Not to mention all the emotional stress I've gone through. This is a very simple procedure! GRRRRRRRR!!!

I'm glad they found a problem but man does it make me mad that they didn't do what I wanted. I 'm tempted to write a letter to them. However I want to see if it "fixes" my infertility first.

Snowed in

We got a snow storm yesterday. Yesterday morning in a meeting my boss pretty much told us that we live in new england and we need to suck it up LOL. Where she does have a valid point my concern is not my driving it's how other people drive. They literally drive up to your bumper, cut you off, think they rule the road because they have a 4x4. SO instead of going home at 1:00 like my gut was telling me to I put my big girl pants on and stayed at work. Needless to say traffic was so bad there was no way for me to leave work. Not unless I wanted to be sitting in traffic for 4+ hours. It literally took my co worker 1 hour to get from the ON RAMP to the actual beginning of the interstate. Yes you heard me right. That is about 50 feet give or take. IT took her 15 minutes just to get through a traffic light. Needless to say I was stuck here. TO make a LONG story short I got home at 7:30 last night. My back hurts from me being so tense in the car. I am scared to death of driving in the snow. "why do you live in New england" you ask? The only thing that keeps me here is...well my love for new england, but more importantly my family. I would be completely miserable if I was away from my family. We are 5 minutes from my in laws and I LOVE it. I'm 2 hours away from my mom and that is far enough. I'd prefer to live 5 minutes from her too. :)

Anyhow, I'm glad it's over and I"m glad this weekends storm is coming over the weekend. I can't wait till I can be a SAHM. That way I can hibernate in the wintertime (with the exception of carting any potential kids around town)

On another note. My insurance nightmare continues to get worse.

FYI-I am grateful to have insurance so please don't let my diary entry make people think I'm not. It's like me expecting someone that is pregnant to not complain about m/s . (which I would never do BTW)

so I got the $5,500 bill in the mail the other day. It's from my IVF clinic and it's only for a portion of my first IVF (I've been through 3). After MANY phone calls (close to 11) I found out that for some reason Anthem's billing (or what ever) is out of California and they have different billing codes so they don't recognize ours. They paid part of the bill but not all of it. (Denied my claim). SO I have to battle this thing out. Not only do I have the insurance but I have a letter stating exactly what I have for coverage. I also am going to have my IVF clinic fax me copies of the approval from Anthem (they have to "approve" my IVF before I'm able to do it) and when I say approve it means they say "yes she has coverage and here is the coverage she has."

So they tell me the billing code is wrong but they won't tell me nor my doctors office what codes we have to use. (stupid huh?) Needless to say I emailed my Anthem rep (the guy that sold my company the plan) and explained this to him and asked who I needed to call because I wasn't getting any where with the people I called (the number on the back of my card) I'm still waiting a response. And I"m sure I can look forward to getting 2 more of these bills. *sigh*

Anyhow, that's my story. Hopefully it won't take me long to get them to pay.

More consults

I set up a consult with Dr. Fisch with SRIM Las Vagas. SIRM NY is closer but Dr. Sher doesn't do free phone consults and they refuse to charge it to insurance. Besides I like how Dr. Fisch responded to my post on the forums. I'm excited to talk to him and learn more about the protocol he suggested.

I wish I could get my husband to agree on CCRM. Unfortunately he thinks that traveling for an IVF is silly. He'd do it if they could guarantee a pregnancy but we all know that is NOT possible.

I have a second consult with DR. hill (the local RE) on Friday. I want to talk to him about different protocols he'd be willing to try. I'm hoping I have my records from BIVF by then. It will give him a better idea of how my cycles went. I am concerned about his approach which is why I want to talk to him in detail.

I'm glad I'm doing the Clomid challenge test but I'm not at the same time. If I was sticking with BIVF I'd be starting the BCP for IVF #4 when I get AF again. Oh well...1 more month off would be good emotionally and it will be nice to know if I pass the Clomid challenge test. :)

My bloat is finally gone. I'm back down to my normal weight. I was up 5 lbs! I'm MUCH more comfortable now.

CCRM

Well I had my consult with CCRM last night. I was really tired though so I didn't as as many questions as I should have. They are the top clinic in the US though. (I have no clue how they rate these clinics. Cornell is #2 and their success rates is about 30% lower then CCRM's) I have talked to a few of my FF friends who have gone there. The first thing CCRM does is have you go down there for 1 full day of testing. Literally ALL day. Apparently their equipment is top notch. Some of the testing includes:
Checking the blood flow to the uterus (they have a special machine for that)
Checking the size of your ovaries & your antral counts
HSG etc, etc.

No wonder they are the top clinic in the US. They check for every thing regardless of your age! It's GREAT! Now if only I could convince my husband to let me go there. He thinks it's ridiculous to fly out there. Yes to people who have not gone through what I have it may sound ridiculous. Their success rates are about 25-30% higher then any clinic here in new england though. Jon's problem is 'what if we go there and we don't end up pregnant?' Well if CCRM can't get me pregnant then I throw in the towel! I would rather not waste my time here with the clinic my husband wants me to go to but oh well. I agreed that I'd give this guy a chance. 1 chance and that is it. If this cycle fails I'm going to go to CCRM for my 5th (and LAST) IVF. I talked to Dr. Schoolcraft last night and he is under the impression that I have poor egg quality and I'm a poor responder. There for I need a better and more aggressive approach

of course I'm still hoping that by some miracle we will get pregnant in the mean time but I don't see if happening. "sooner then you think." the words from a recent blessing rings in my ears. "yeah right" is all I can say. I don't even think I'll believe it when I finally see two pink lines.

On another note I posted a question about repronex on the SIRM forums. They are a very good clinic (not as good as CCRM but still very highly rated on the FF forums) Here is what I posted:

"IVF #1 antagonist protocol 150 iu gonal f & ganerellix when first follie was 14mm
8 follies, 7 eggs, 1 bad quality, 6 ICSI'd, 3 fertilized 2 made it to day 3 transfer. 1 "perfect" highest grade 8 cell and 1 "ok" 5 cell embryo's transfered

IVF #2. long lupron. 225 gonal f. 10 units till AF then 5 units lupron. 3 follies, 3 eggs all ICSI'd 1 fertilized, poor quality-stopped dividing (was 10 cells by day 2 and 11 cells by day 3, still 11 cells on day 4)

IVF #3 antagonist 225 gonal f. ganerellix when follie was 14mm. 9 follicles, only 3 eggs retrieved. 3 fertilized with ICSI. 2 made it to day 2. both 5 cells and an "ok grade" (2 on a scale of 3-1)

The Re that did those IVF's thought it might be egg quality. I am switching Re's. Had a hystersocopy and all was normal. Doing CCT next cycle to check FSH (was 7.7 FSH and 44.4 e2 in march on CD3)

Ths is a long post but is there any chance that repronex will help with egg quality? I have no idea why only 3 were retrieved. I know I didn't ovulate because they got the fluid...just no egg.

If I do repronex should I get my LH/testosterone checked on day 3 to make sure I don't produce to much on my own?

Here is the response one of their RE's gave me:

"Repronex might be helpful at the end of stimulation. However, we think that adding it at the beginning of stim may make the egg quality worse. We also do not like the way they are using Ganarelix. By starting when a follicle is 14mm, they are letting your eggs be exposed to your own male hormones at the beginning of the cycle. many women like you are actually overly sensitive to male hormone. This means a small amount can still cause a lot of effect. For this reason measuring the male hormone levels won't help. I don't recommend a CCCT either. You have already shown by your previous response that you need a more aggressive approach.

Bad egg quality is the main cause of IVF failure, as well as early miscarriage. It is important to remember though, that egg quality in a given cycle is determined until you actually ovulate that egg. So even if you have done poorly in the past, you may do better in a subsequent cycle, especially if we get the stimulation right.

We have developed a specialized approach to treating women like you. We call it agonist antagonist conversion, with estrogen priming. If you contact me directly I would be happy to review this with you in more detail."

then he left his email so I could email him for further information. He does have a valid point and it makes me question Dr. Hill's (my new RE) approach. I talk to Dr. Hill again on Friday so we'll see. I do think that I need a protocol specifically for egg quality but I also need someone that will be aggressive. I'm going to email the RE from SIRM to ask him further questions. Like this "is there any way to slow down the growth of my follicles? It seems as though upping my dosage would make me stim longer rather then get more eggs.

bloat

I am still bloated! I've been bloated since my IVF failed. I have no idea what is going on. At times my abdominal area gets tight and feels stretched to the max. I had my Hysteroscopy on Friday and have gained 3-4 lbs since then! I meet with my new RE on Friday so I'll bring it up to him then. It certainly makes me uncomfortable. I am so bloated I look pregnant. It's disgusting.

clean and clear

So Jon and I paid $200 today and used my only left vacation time this year to find out that my uterus is perfectly clear. Granted I'm glad we know but it's frustrating to know I had to fork up $200 that I couldn't afford right now and use my only vacation day (which I was using to go with the family next weekend). Oh well. At least we know.

Next month is my CCT. I'm sure that will show I"m normal too. Granted I'd love to be "normal" but I'd also like a stinking answer as to what my problem is!

I'm going to request PGD this cycle and if we can't do that I want Assisted Hatching and embryo glue. MY new RE wants to wait till IVF #2 with him (IVF #5 as a whole) but I don't' see the point in waiting. I may not have insurance after 4/1/07 and This is the last cycle I can really squeeze in before then. Either way I want embryo glue and I'd like Assisted hatching even if we had blasts to transfer (if they were not hatched already). I doubt I'll have enough embryos to do PGD but we'll see. Might as well give it a shot if it's covered.

Becasue we are doing the CCT (clomid challenge test) My IVF is pushed back till Feb. I will start BCP mid January and stims in Feb. If I was doing my stims in January I could fit another cycle in before April. Oh well. Lets just hope #4 is the charm.

RE said to abstain this month due to hsyteroscopy but I have not even ovulated yet so It won't effect a pregnancy. Besides my eggs are crap with out being triggered so the chances of me getting pregnant on my own are about 1%. But hey I'll take 1%.

Consult #1

Jon and I met with Dr. Hill today. (Fertility centers of new england). Jon and I both liked him. After our consult Jon told me he never liked Dr. Bayer and he likes Dr. Hill. He feels as though Dr. Hill cares about us and really wants to find out what is wrong. So here is the plan:

This Friday I go to the Portsmouth Hospital and Dr. Hill will do a hysteroscopy . He was VERY nice and said that he will give me general anesthesia so I won't feel any pain. His exact words were "you've been through enough." Most people are awake for the procedure (it's similar to an embryo transfer). The only draw back is I won't be able to go back to work after because of the anesthesia and can't be left alone. Jon can't get out of work so I'm not sure what we will do yet. YIKES!!

Then next month he wants to do the clomid challenge test this basically helps determine the "quality" of my eggs and my reserve. If the FSH is to high on day 3 (or day 10) it means I could have diminished ovarian reserve

On one hand I could REALLY use an emotional and physical break from these IVF treatments. So on that hand I'm glad I have to have these tests done (not to mention they will give him a better idea of why we are not pregnant)

On the other hand I may lose my infertility coverage come April 1st. Which means this could be the last cycle under my insurance (Liberty mutual will cover $10k lifetime max. we' be lucky to get 1 cycle MAYBE 2 -doubt it- out of that) so there is still hope I guess. BUT because of the possible change in insurance I feel pressured (by myself) to cycle again right away. I know it's best to get the tests done.

Also, I know the chances are slim to none of getting pregnant on our own but I wanted to at least try own our own. However we can't try if we are getting this hysteroscopy done. I mean my chances are slim on my own because my follicles get WAY to big before they ovulate an egg. If the egg gets to big it gets to be bad quality. SO my chances of conceiving on my own are very very slim.

Well I'm exhausted and hungry so I guess I will go get something to eat and try to not think about this any more.

The one draw back is he does 2 day transfers because he is a believer that they are better off in the uterus. If I only had 2 embryo's to chose from then yes put them back sooner. But if I have 3 or more then I'd rather go to day 3 or 5. With IVF #1 & IVF #3 I had 3 embryos on day 2 but by day 3 I only had 2. It just makes me weary.

I'm ready for this to be done. I'm sick of doing IVF's. I feel like giving up. I just want a baby. To bad it can take years to get a baby through adoption. :(

Sensitive

I can't remember the last time I was this sensitive. I cry almost every time I see a baby. I saw a young woman (much younger then me) go pick up her daughter because she was crying and I had to go to the bathroom to compose myself (I was at church choir). today in church I couldn't help but fight back the tears. In every lesson someone compared it to motherhood. I think that the woman in my ward are quick to forget about those that don't have babies and quick to assume that it's because we are not trying. In relief society today I couldn't help but start crying. The lesson was about depression. (I won't get into details). Anyhow, everyone was talking about how people get depression because they have a low self esteem. I had to pipe up (trying not to cry) and explain that sometimes depression can come from things in life we can't control. Like righteous desires. I talked about how it's hard to accept the Lords time. Anyhow, I tried to keep myself composed but just couldn't.

I hate how sensitive I am right now. I'm back to not wanting to be around pregnant woman any more. I also find that sometimes I don't even want Jon to touch me. Most of the time I just want him to leave me alone. It's not his fault that this is happening. I have no idea why I do it but I do.

Depression

The more I think about switching clinics the more stressed I get. I think I'm just going to stay with Boston IVF for now. I will still meet with the other clinics though. That way I can find out what they would do different and maybe talk to my current RE about it.

I'm at work today and finding it hard to get anything done. I'm still very depressed. I just don't know what to do. Part of me wants to give up for a while. I'm sick of TTC. However I'm not sure how much longer I'll be blessed with my insurance so I decided to keep trying. It depresses me though. I Just don't know what to think. Our chances of conceiving on our own is slim now that my RE suspects egg quality.

I hate feeling this depressed. Part of me wonders if I should just go to my OB and request antidepressants. However I hate them. I was on them YEARS ago and managed to learn to deal with my depression/anxiety on my own. This TTC/IVF roller coaster is to much for me to handle now. I can't seem to find any enjoyment out of life right now. Not even with my husband. 99% of the time I just want to be alone...which is not like me. I can't sleep at night any more. All I can do is lay there depressed until I get so tired I can't keep my eyes open any more.
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I seem to go in and out of this "mood". I hate that I'm so up and down. Just goes to show I don' t need anti-depressants. However when I'm down it makes it hard to get anything done. I know I will get through this "funk." It's just a matter of how long it will take me.

Day off

I took the day off today so I can have some time to myself. I really needed it. I have been very depressed the past few days and need to get myself out of the funk. I'm confused and frustrated. I'm confused by all the blessings I've been given and some of the stuff that was said...I don't know what to make of my patriarchal blessing any more. It all seems like it was meant for someone else.

I booked a BUNCH of consults:
I had one with my RE (Boston IVF-Dr. Bayer) last night but I need to talk to him further

We have one with fertility centers of new england-Dr. Hill on 12/5. (Portsmouth NH)

We have a consult with CCRM on 12/10 with Dr. Schoolcraft. (colorado)

I left a message for Reproductive Science center (Bedford, NH) as well as SIRM-NY (Dr. Sher)

It's going to be a crazy month but oh well. My plan is to probably stick with Dr. Bayer for one more cycle and to go out of state with a different clinic in 2008 (when I have vacation time left). I want to make sure I'm going to a top clinic. But here is my thinking:

CCRM is supposedly one of the top clinics in the US (I think THE top clinic) however they only do around 1,095 cycles a year. (with about 60-70% success rate)
Boston IVF does over 3,000 cycles a year with a 35-45% success rate (40% being average)
Does the fact that they do 3 times the amount of cycles skew the success rates? I would think the more cycles you do the more failures you'd have. It makes me curious.

I also can't seem to find a list on the internet of top clinics. I want to know how to compare clinics...I mean you MUST have to take into consideration the amount of cycles you do?

I'm leaning towards Reproductive Science center (Bedford, NH) because they do 2,700 cycles a year and their success rates are around 60%. HOWEVER depending on the infertility issue it goes as low as 30%. AAAHHHH how do I compare??!??

I'm also researching what tests I should get done so I can go back to Dr. Bayer and request them!

Poor egg quality

I spoke to my current RE. He thinks I have egg quality issues. He said my embryos were "iffy" quality. Technically they were grade 2 and the worst grade is 1, however they would have been better quality had they been more then 5 cells. He said I can do the blood tests I want (like karyotyping) although since he suspects egg quality I don't think he sees a point but he will let me do it.

He wants to ad LH to my protocol and said he will up my dosage to 300 gonal f if I want him to but he doesn't want to risk going any higher because he is afraid I'll stim to fast (which I probably would because my body is stupid).

I am meeting with the RE at the other clinic next week. I don't have the mental energy to search out other clinics since my insurance could change at any moment. As of right now I have it till April 1 2008 but that could change any time.

I'm hesitant to go to a new clinic because they have to get used to how my body works all over again.

anyhow, I don't know what to do. I should switch clinics and I might go with the local clinic if I like the doctor. However I feel guilty switching. This local clinic is MUCH smaller and their success rates are not any better. Boston IVF does over 3k a year and the local one does around 1k.

guess it's all dependent on what this new RE says.

I'm so angry right now. I suspected egg quality after my first IVF fails. Just goes to show that having a PhD doesn't always mean everything. I'm so angry and annoyed. I feel that if I was in charge of my cycle I would have been pregnant a long time ago!

Egg quality only gets worse as you get older and that scares me. I'm angry right now. Very very angry and sad.

Feelings

Today is worse then yesterday. I still can't believe this is happening again. I sit here and ask myself what I'm doing in life that makes me happy. I own my home, I have a new car, a husband that loves me, a good income. Everything (with the exception of my husband) is materialistic.

My dreams: (not goals dreams, I have plenty of goals)

My number one dream has always been to be a good wife and an even better mother. To be able to bare my own children and be a stay at home mom.

Oddly enough I really can't think of anything else. I must have other dreams right? I seem to be so focused on this one dream that I seemed to have pushed aside or forgotten any other dreams I may have had. Maybe I have no other dreams? That just doesn't sound realistic.

Some people have told me to try not to focus so much on TTC. Try not to obsess over it. How do you not live, sleep, and breath something that you have wanted your entire life? I have dreamed of being a wife and a mother. I have dreamed my entire life of having babies. when I was little I'd put clothes under my shirt and pretend to be pregnant. As silly as it may sound to others it's my life long dream. It's all I've ever wanted. Picture your biggest dream (something realistic not unrealistic) something you have wanted your entire life... (and I'm not talking about a trip to the bahamas...something big) The one thing you want out of life...if you could have one wish what would it be? now picture never ever being able to attain that dream. Picture having to go through physical and mental turmoil month after month. Trying desperately to attain your dream. Doing everything in your power to get what you want. Only to find that after all the physical and mental pain that you failed once again.

Right now my life is taking care of my husband. Working full time so he can go to school. He works too but not because he has to. We can very easily live and save off of just my income. Granted his income lets us save even more money and that is why he choses to work. Not to mention he likes to work.

I love my husband but it has been a HUGE sacrifice for me to put him through school. I wouldn't change a thing even if I could but I'm tired. Tired of working my tail off. Tired of having a high stress job. Tired of working in sales...but where else will I make the money I make here? If I get any other job I'd make 10-20k (a year) less then I do at my current job.

I tell myself that when Jon graduates my options are open. However how do I justify leaving my job when our jobs combined will have us making around 100k? How do I justify leaving when we will be pocketing an entire income? I can't. I can't justify that. Not even for my own health. Am I crazy? Does anyone else do this?

What would be wise, would be to drop to part time when Jon graduates so I can take some time for myself. I've spent the past 4 years supporting him through school. It's time for a break. It's time for me to take time for myself. Don't get me wrong. I chose to support him and put him through school. It was a decision we made together. I wouldn't go back and change it even if I could. I'm very lucky to have the job I do. It gives me the insurance coverage I need for IVF.

Another stress is the fact that our company is being sold. As of right now I have my ins coverage through April of 2008 but that could change at any time. Our co pay also went up from $20 to $75 for "expensive" procedures. Not sure if that will effect me but it's a drop in the bucket compared to what others pay for IVF. I got an email today saying we could be sold and we are having a meeting. A VERY last minute meeting. I'm scared to death of losing my infertility coverage.

I had a blessing a while back (and I realize that those not of my faith will have no clue what I'm talking about here but M will) and it said I will get pregnant "sooner then I think." Well this IVF didn't work. Am I really supposed to believe it will happen on it's own? Um...yeah right. I have no idea what that statement means but it keeps ringing in my ears. This will sound terrible but as happy as I'd be I'd also be TICKED if I got pregnant on my own after everything I have put myself through. Can you imagine? After 3 failed IVF's? It would be like a slap in the face but a blessing all at the same time. Again I'd be so happy if it happened on our own...but to realize I went through all those treatments for nothing would be hard to swollow.

Defeated

My beta was negative. I'm in shock. I mean I knew this would happen. I honestly can't believe we will be doing IVF a 4th time. I feel defeated; like my infertility has won. I can't seem to get my body to make babies. I have a feeling my embryos die before they make it to the blast stage. Not to mention my most recent issue "sticky eggs". I'm angry. Angry this is happening to me. I thought for sure my 1st IVF would work....my second was a complete let down.

I feel like giving up. To be honest if it wasn't for my PB I would have given up long ago. Not to mention my desire to know what it feels like to become pregnant. Part of me wonders if Jon and I should fill out adoption papers while we pursue our 4th IVF but I'm scared and not ready to do that yet. I know that it can take years to get a baby through adoption so part of me sees no point in even trying.

I'm tired, angry, exhausted. I can't take this any more. I had a vacation set up for this week but Jon messed up the dates and we can't go. I'm so angry and sad that we can't go.

I just want to go home and sleep. AF is kicking me in the butt too so that doesn't help matters at all. I need a vacation but have to wait till mid December. I need a few days off from work but I only have 11.5 more hours to take and I'm using that for my vacation in December. I planned our vacation for tomorrow thru Saturday on purpose.

I feel defeated today. I feel like my infertility has won. YOU won are you happy now??? Can I have my life back please? I just want to be myself again but I can't. I'm a different person now. My infertility has changed me. I'm trying to make the best of it but it has hard. Trials change people. I'm trying to take this trial and make good of it but it's hard. Today I give up. Today I am defeated.

I could take some time off (again) but my insurance might change next year so we can't afford to take time off. Not to mention it takes about 3 months to complete an IVF anyway. That in and of itself is a break.

I feel like all the prayers in the world won't change a thing. Fact of the matter is my body doesn't know how to make babies.

I hope other people read this and realize what a miracle having a child truly is. It makes me sad that some people take it for granted.

red spotting

Well I've been spotting since 10dper. It has been brown up until today and only internal. Today it's pink and there when I whip. Cramps are really bad so I'm sure AF is on her way. I know that there is a small chance all this is pregnancy but I doubt it. I never spot that early but it could be the Crinone. DH has forbid me to test. Says I have to wait for my beta. I'm sure I'll have AF by then. :( My cramps are very bad though.

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spotting is now heavy and bright red. I'm going to go tomorrow morning for my beta. I could care less what my RE thinks at this point. I'm also switching clinics. I have no idea where. I'm assuming the clinic close to home since DH says he's sick of driving me down to Boston IVF. It makes for a very long day. Problem is I need to find a doctor who will do the testing I want done. If they won't do it I won't be their patient. I'm sick of being told what to do. It's my body, my insurance. I'm paying them. They WILL do what I want to do. (with in reason). I want CD 3's. Another SA, Blood testing for clotting disorder, kareotyping, immunity testing and an antral follicle count. I want to make sure I don't have DOF (diminished ovarian reserve). I want my next RE to put me on a higher dosage of gonal f. I'd rather over stim and have to put off transfer for a month if it means getting more eggs. with me it's not "it only takes one". that is complete crap. If it only took 1 egg I would have been pregnant a long time ago. YES it's quality not quantity but I don't even think my embryos are making it to the blast stage so I need enough to be able to do a 5dt so we can see what they are doing. I need someone that will be very aggressive with me. not someone who will label me "unexplained".

8dp3dt

Well I've officially ruined my weekend. BFN again today. I know I could still get a BFP but I'm not holding out hope. I will be 12DPER tomorrow and will use my last test. If no positive tomorrow then I'm going to officially give up. YES some woman get late +'s but it doesn't happen to often. Usually by 11 DPO they have gotten their BFP. Some as late as 12 DPO.

I knew I was right. I knew my embryos were dead when they transfered them.
I'm so sick of this. I don't understand why I can't get pregnant.

I had a blessing in which it said "it will happen sooner then you think." I'm starting to have doubts again. "yeah right" is all I can say. "what ever". Just as I started to have faith again...it's going to be completely crushed. Well if God isn't going to work with my time frame then I'm going to start looking into adoption. Regardless of whether my PB says by natural means. I control my life and I make my own decisions and I want a baby now not later. (how's that for a temper tantrum) Oddly enough DH and I talked about adoption and at this point that is the route he'd almost rather go. Unfortunately we just spent our savings on two heating systems (we own an apartment building) and a down payment on our new car. I'm sure by the time we got a baby we'd have the money though.

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I took a very long nap...well I actually went back to bed and got up at 3:30 and I feel better now. I still think I'm out of the running but we'll see. I don't know if I'll test tomorrow I think I might leave it for Monday morning. But then again I don't know if I want to do that to myself on Monday. AF should be here Monday or Tuesday. I always start regardless of progesterone. we shall see.

7dp3dt

BFN again this morning. Still early is what I keep telling myself. I just can't picture doing this a 4th time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Down to the wire

So I tested this morning but I knew it would be negative. I'm a little down in the dumps only because I know the next few days will be hard. I don' t know if I can really handle another disappointment's. I'm not looking forward to switching clinics. I'd like to go to the SHER institute in NY but it's a 4 hour drive. I could fly there the week of ER and ET but I'm so sick of being away from home for ER and ET. I think I'll look into their clinic and the clinic that is local. I may even cave and give my Re another shot but it really depends on what he says. I need someone that is going to be willing to do testing to see if I have DOR (diminished ovarian reserve) I have some signs..."sticky eggs" being one of them. I've only had my CD 3 bloods done once and my E2 was around 50. Not to bad but not as good as it could be.

well I will probably break down and test tomorrow, then Saturday and Sunday. I know tomorrow is early too but oh well.

actually there was a line on my HPT but it was an evap.

no such thing as empty follicles

I posted on www.haveababy.com (SIRMs forums where a doctor will respond to your posts for free) and here is what Dr. Sher said about empty follicles.

btw SIRM is a very reputable clinic and one of the top clinics in the US (from what I've been told)

It's nice to actually get an answer for once and not the crap my RE feeds me. I'll be interested to see what my RE has to say about it when I call him next week.

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Underdeveloped and mal-developed (dysmorphic) eggs often have an exceptionally dense surrounding cumulus cell cluster that tends to attach them tightly to the inner wall of the follicle. The hCG shot, which is intended to mature the egg and disperse(loosen) the cumulus cells so that the eggs will comes free upon suction and can thus be readily retrieved upon needle aspiration, often fails to cause sufficient dispersion of cumulus cells when the eggs are underdeveloped or dysmorphic. Consequently, such eggs are often so more tightly adherent to the inner follicle wall that they fail to release easily. In such cases the eggs may not be readily captured with the first attempt at follicle aspiration, requiring that such follicles be repeatedly irrigated( flushed) and or scraped to try and dislodge them. In severe cases, these fail to come free. When this happens there is a tendency to describe such follicles as being “empty” . Since this implies that such follicles did not house eggs, it is a complete misnomer. There is no such thing as “empty follicles”.

Since most RE's can easily perform the technical aspects of ER and since better quality eggs tend to readily release with the initial attempt at aspirating the follicle it follows that failure to successfully aspirate an egg is often due to the egg being immature or dysmature. The latter is usually indicative of the egg having an abnormal numerical chromosomal make-up (aneuploid).“Poor embryo quality is virtually synonymous with embryo aneuploidy and in >90% of such cases this is due to egg ( rather than sperm) aneuploidy.

Imperfection is part of the human condition. Thus a percentage of human eggs (regardless of age) will always develop abnormally (dysmorphism). Once exposed to an LH-surge or the “hCG-trigger" such eggs will have an abnormal number of chromosomes.

Egg dysmorphism and thus egg/embryo aneuploidy increases with age. In younger women ( <35yrs) 45%-50% of all eggs are aneuploidic, at 40yrs the incidence is about 60% at 43, approximately 80% and about 90% at age 45yrs. Fortunately, aneuploidic eggs/embryos fail to implant or miscarry early on in pregnancy. Sadly, depending upon which chromosome(s) is/are involved, developmental defects such as Down's syndrome (Trisomy 21) sometimes occurs.

The unavoidable threshold risk of age-related egg dysmorphism and aneuploidy can however be seriously compounded through over-exposure of developing eggs to male hormones (predominantly-testosterone). These hormones are normally produced by the connective tissue (stroma) that surrounds the egg-bearing follicle(s). Overgrowth of the stroma occurs with advancing age (beyond 35years) and/or at any stage when ovarian reserve declines below a certain threshold (evidenced by poor response to fertility drugs, rising day 3 FSH level, falling Inhibin B levels, etc.). The eggs of such women are thus inordinately vulnerable to an over-exposure to LH-induced ovarian testosterone. In such cases, over-administration of LH-like products(hCG) or LH-containing fertility drugs (Repronex or the use of ovarian stimulation protocols such as "Flare-agonist protocols" that establish very high LH levels early on in the stimulation cycle) can be especially harmful.


There is little one can do to reduce the age-related risk of egg/embryo aneuploidy. However since the risk of compounding egg dysmorphism and thus egg/embryo aneuploidy can be avoided by individualized stimulation protocol selection and precise timing of the hCG “trigger shot”… both very important considerations when attempting to improve egg/embryo quality and IVF outcome, especially in older women and those with diminished ovarian reserve.

Dr. Sher

thoughts

Well I wanted to talk to my RE about my embryos but he has been to busy to talk to me so I emailed his secretary and asked her to email my question to him. I want his in put about my embryos. In the morning on Thursday the 2 we transfered were 4 cells. At 1:00 (over 24 hours later) they were 5 cells. Yes I've heard of people having success with 5 cells but a 1 cell growth in over 24 hours usually means they will die. Then again I could be completely off base too...which is why I wanted to talk to my doctor.

I realize the odds of this cycle working is slim (in my mind) I guess I finally got to the point where I can't picture getting a BFP. Oddly enough I think I'll be ok if I get a BFN. I'll be upset and I'll probably cry but I won't be devastated like I was the past two times. I really really hope this works because I'm not looking forward to switching clinics. Once I find out if this cycle worked or not I'm setting up a consult with a new fertility clinic. one that is closer to home. ER and ET are in the same town I work in. I wish I had known about them to begin with!

back from transfer

well we transfered the two 5 cells today. Apparently they were grade 2 (the 3 cell was grade 3) how the heck they give them a grade that early on boggles my mind. I'm still hoping that I get my BFP but I'm trying to be realistic too. I cant' help but hope. As soon as I saw them get put in (on the screen) I couldn't help but smile. I feel so much better having transfered them. At least I'm giving them a chance.

I asked woman on FF and I have heard some success stories of 5 cell embryos. Guess they are just slow growers which means they might be blasts by day 6 rather then day 5. I'm going to try not to test until at least 10 DPO because I KNOW trigger will be gone by then. I may not test at all...we'll see. :)

not looking good

well according to the embryologist I spoke to (who was extremely cold and kind of to the point) said that my grade 3 arrested (no cell growth in 24 hours) and the two grade 2's are 5 cells today. That means one of them only had a 1 cell growth in 24 hours (I'm assuming it's on it's death bed) and the other had a 2 cell growth in 24 hours (could just be a slow grower/late implanter).

I'm not very hopeful of this cycle and will be switching clinics after this IVF. Boston IVF is supposed to be one of the top clinics. They have 3 times the experience of most clinics (even top clinics like CCRM) they had over 3k cycles in 2005 with fairly good success rates. Success rates are going to be a bit more 'realistic' when you've done a lot of cycles.

I'm so sad. DH still wants to do the transfer and has hope. I have given up at this point. I know my embryos could use my hope right now but I just have none. I'm done with this roller coaster ride.
No wonder we have never gotten pregnant on our own or through IUI's. Even though our embryo's have good grades and look beautiful they never make it to implantation. Just goes to show that the grade is pretty pointless and means nothing.

change of plans

Unfortunately transferring all 3 is out of the question. Jon doesn't want twins for our first. He would be ok with twins if we already had 1 baby. His issue is he doesn't even know how to hold a baby and he is scared and wants to learn to be a dad with 1 baby. I don't blame him but it makes this very hard. He also doesn't want to pay to freeze just 1 embryo and I refuse to throw it out! So we compromised and agreed to transfer 2 embryos and freeze the other one. However I'm calling my Dr. tomorrow to push out my transfer. If we only have 2 tomorrow when I call then we will go in. If we still have 3 I will call on Saturday (day 4) and get an update on them. IF there is only 2 then we will go in for transfer. If there are 3 I will wait until Sunday and transfer then and freeze the 3rd. My goal of course is to have 1 healthy baby. I can't even fathom actually getting pregnant let alone with more then 1.

only problem is they are closed over the weekend and I don't know if I'll be able to get an update on Saturday. I'm pretty sure I can. I think my Dr. (or the doctor on call) will have to call in to get the embryo stats and call me. UGGG. I hate this!!!

Still going strong

I got to find out about my embryos today. Today is 2dtER and they should be around 4 cells.

In my clinic grade 3 is above average (the best grade) and 2 is average (1 is under average)

4 cell grade 3!
4 cell grade 2!
3 cell grade 2!

I'm nervous about the 3 cell but I suppose it could have still been dividing when they looked at it today. I hope all 3 are around 8 cells tomorrow so we can transfer all 3. I know the doctors wont' want me to since they are all good quality (grade 2 is considered good and grade 3 is considered excellent-"high chance of implantation")
With IVF #1 I had an 8 cell grade 3 and a 5 cell grade 2. The 8 cell was "high chance of implantation" and the 5 cell just seemed to be growing slower. I'm not scared at all of transfering all 3 (ok a tiny bit) but DH is. WE won't want to freeze just one so we'd transfer all 3. :)

transfer is tomorrow at 1:15. I'm so nervous! I want them all to make it to 8 cells by tomorrow. :)

Miracles to happen

I couldn't take it any more...I had to call for my report and I am in shock. All 3 fertilized! I asked Andrea (the girl that told me) how often they check on them and she said once a day. She then said she can sneak me a report tomorrow. I will not know the grade or cells until right before the transfer on Friday (have to be there at 12:45). I asked DH if he is ok with transfering all 3 and he said no. I asked if he is willing to and he said "I don't know, lets see what happens." I'm hoping all 3 make it to day 3 so we can transfer them all. In his mind 3 equals 3 babies. With my first IVF I had 2 and didn't get pregnant. After all I've been through I'll take the chance of multiples. I know that multiples is a harder pregnancy and a higher risk for the mother and babies but I very highly doubt that would happen.

Devastated

9 follicles equaled 3 eggs. DH and I are pretty devastated. I realize it only takes 1 but hearing that wont' help. I'm trying my best to be positive but I'm finding it extremely hard right now. I'll find out tomorrow afternoon how many fertilized. last time we only had 3 eggs 1 fertilized and didn't make it. Please pray for a miracle that all 3 fertilize and make it for transfer. I'm so sick of this and I want it to be over. I'd gladly transfer all 3 (and DH agrees) if I'm that lucky. so 6 of my follicles were empty (fluid there but no egg)

I can not believe this is happening.

IVF #1
150 iu gonal F and ganerellix
8 follicles = 7 eggs 1 was "narcotic" (bad quality) 6 good eggs, all ICSI but only 3 fertilized
2 made it to a 3dt (one completely 100% perfect 8 cell and one 5 cell) BFN

IVF #2
225 iu gonal f
lupron protocol
3 follicles = 3 eggs did ICSI 1 fertilized and was bad quality...died in the lab...no transfer

current IVF (#3)
225 IU gonal F & ganerelliz
9 follicles 6 empty 3 eggs. Will find out fertilization tomorrow. We are doing ICSI on all of them.
I cant' wait to talk to my doctor to see what his reaction is. Needless to say I'm quite angry that they didn't listen to me and do an antral follicle count or CD 3 blood work.

Pain after ER was a little worse then usual so they gave me codeine. I don't know if it's that or the anesthesia but I feel really nauseous so I'm going to lay down.

This is the worst part

The next few days are going to STINK! I hate the wait. My E2 was only 950.4 on Saturday. It should be around 200 per follicle. I did have some follicles around 15mm so it's possible they just were not mature yet (and will be for retrieval) my problem is I worry to much. I worry about my numbers. I mean with IVF #1 I had 8 follicles but one was empty and one of the eggs was "nartoic" which is just a fancy way of saying it was complete crap. (if the egg gets to big that can happen).

So I wait in the anticipation to hear how many they retrieve tomorrow. I'm still trying to hope there are more hiding but with my E2 as low as it is I highly doubt that! Then after tomorrow I wait to find out how many were mature/good quality and out of those how many fertilized (will find out Wednesday)THEN I wait to find out how many make it to day 2. They will update me on day 2 (Thursday) and tell me how many cells they are and how many I had left. AND then they will tell me if Friday is my Transfer or Sunday. I'm hoping for a 5 day transfer and that would be Sunday. But based on how IVF #1 went I highly doubt that I will be that lucky.

I'm really sad. I can't stand this. I really don't know how many more times I can do this. If I do it again I'm going to a different clinic. A clinic that will do a clomid challenge test so I can see what my day 10 FSH is (checks for diminished ovarian reserve) and an antral follicle count. I SHOULD have gotten more then 9 follicles. I was on 150 iu for IVF #1 and I had 8 follicles. With this one I'm on 225 and only got 9. It just seems as though my response is getting worse.

I hate this. I never want to do this again. I hate how they don't do simple tests because I'm "young". NOW my IUI doctor is thinking I might have diminished ovarian reserve. Lovely. Now she wonders. NOW after 4 failed IUI's and 2 failed IVF cycles. My IVF doctor isn't concerned but shouldn't he be? I mean I"m "only" 28 and I can only get 9 follicles???????

8 days of stims

ok I'm just going to copy and paste what I wrote in my FF buddy groups

I doubt this is the case with me but oh well. This morning the doctor that did my IUI's (I still go to her clinic for u/s and b/w and they fax it to my Dr. in Boston) was asking if I ever had a CD 10 FSH (clomid challenge test) "nope" I replied. I was "only" 26 when I first started infertility treatments so that is why she didn't do one. Her and my IVF doctor also refused to do an antral count on me as well. I've never had that done.

I realize that in some peoples eyes I'm still "young". While I realize this is the case it doesn't mean there are not other issues. I mean where did the phrase "premature ovarian failure" come from? Obviously woman who are "young" who don't respond that well to stims.

Granted with 150 gonal f I get 6-8 follicles (which equals about 6 eggs)

however with 225 this month I have 9 (unless there are more hiding which I doubt). It just seems as though my response is getting worse.

what is the harm in doing an antral count? It's my insurance/money and my body.

thanks for the vent. I'm looking for any stories/experiences.

If this IVF doesn't work I'm switching doctors and I WILL be getting the clomid challenge test along with CD 3 bloods and an antral count. I'll find a doctor who is willing to actually try to find out what the problem is rather then giving me the "unexplained" label.

My DH is really annoyed. He hates doctors now. He said "oh now they want to find out what the problem is." Now after over a year and a half of sticking myself with needles .

I guess I didn't stim as "slowly" as I thought I was. The follicles kind of sped up towards the end. Now I just wait for the Dr. to call me. I'm assuming I'll trigger tonight for a Tuesday retrieval.
************************
update: the nurse called....and BTW she has the most annoying voice. You'd think that I had just won a million dollars or something. What is up with her being all excited? Nothing about this is exciting. I'm dreading this entire process. this whole thing sucks and I don't want to do it but I am because I want a baby. Man this SUCKS!
I forgot to ask her my E2 levels and now I'm ticked. I'll have to call tomorrow morning to get my results. My ER is 11:30 Tuesday but they want us to be there at 8:30. It takes us 2 hours to drive there with the rush hour traffic! And I will have a 3 hour wait?!? Are you kidding me? I'm calling my doctor tomorrow to ask if we can show up later. this is ridiculous.

6 days of stims

I had my u/s this morning. I have not gotten my E2 level yet but I will edit my post and add it when I get it (this afternoon). This morning my u/s showed I only have 9 follicles. I'm not happy that I only have 9 but I'm happy that they are growing more steady this time. They were all under 15mm. Most were only 12-13mm. :)

I'm really hoping I get a few more with in the next few days but I don't know. I'm also hoping my dr keeps me on the 225 (I see no reason he should lower it). I am baffled that I have only 9 and I'm on 225. I had 8 follicles with my 150. I'm just hoping these 9 are great quality. I'm hoping to have at least 70% fertilization. If that's the case and I end up with 10. that will give me 7 fertilized eggs. I really want to do a 5dt this time and I need 6 fertilized and to make it to day 3 in order to do that. If my fertilization stays at about 50% then I need a dozen eggs retrieved in order to get 6 to fertilize.

I'm analyzing this WAY to much. LOL I need to get back to work. I'm extremely exhausted today. I'm physically and emotionally drained. I have been VERY good about not having emotional out bursts this time too! I'm crabby but I'm trying very hard to stay calm.

I can't wait to go home. Tonight is date night and I think we will get something to take home to eat and curl up on the couch with a movie or two. Sometimes we hang out with my SIL & her husband but I think tonight will be Jon and I. :)

****************
Edit. I just noticed that after 6 days of stims in IVF #1 my follicles were about the same size. I had a few that were over 16mm but most were under 15mm. So I guess I'm stiming at about the same rate? Who knows...feels like I'm stiming more steady this time. I'm guessing I'll trigger on Monday or Tuesday.
****************
Update #2
My nurse called and said on top of the 9 follies I have between 12 and 15mm (most of them are 12-13mm) I also have "lots" under 12mm too!! I have a chance at getting more. :)
My E2 is 829.20! My next u/s is on Sunday.
OH and my lining was 10mm

update

My E2 came back at 417. I'm shocked. My follicles are so tiny I'm suprised my E2 is so high. Luckly my Re is having me to 2 more nights on the 225 then go in on Friday morning for an u/s. I will probably have to start my ganerellix on Friday but who knows.

I posted on FF in my IVF buddy groups about my E2 levels. I'm curious what they say. I'm shocked it's so high with my follicles so small.

Slow and steady wins the race

OK so this time I am responding WAY differently to the drugs then I normally do. The only different thing I did was take 3 months off to go on herbs. Apparently the herbs have helped....either that or it's a coincidence. Here is what today's u/s showed:

After 4 days of gonal f 225iu

Left: 4 follicles under 9 (maybe more smaller then that)
Right: 3 under 9 and 1 at 11.5
Lining was triple stripe and 7.8!!! (BTW triple stripe is GREAT!!) --acupuncture is working!!!

Ok so here are some stats from some of my prior cycles (IUI and IVF)

cycle #22 150 iu gonal f

11/27 351.7 E2

11/28 first u/s:-After 3 days of gonal F 150iu
Right side: 15.57, 13.50, 13.75 & 13.35
Left side: 8.75, 9.12, 9.04.

12/1
right side: two 18's, two 17's, one 13
left side: three 12's (tech said 11's)

12/2-Triggered
right side: two 22's, one 20, one 19
left: three 12's (I thought they were 14mm)

********
Cycle #23 month 19
To many left over follicles to count.
OHSS. Taking cycle off. ON BCP.
********
Cycle #24 150 iu gonal F & double IUI
1/15 CD 7 -after 4 days of goanl f 150
15mm, 13mm and three 11mm follies.
lots under 10mm.

1/17
E2 1,793 LH 4.0
Left side:
20mm, 17mm three 14mm's (5 total)
Right side:
five 14mm and one 12mm

1/18
Left:
23mm, 19mm, 19mm, four at 16mm

right side:
15.84, 17.57, 16.82, 15.12, 16.66, 17.51, 11.75
Trigger 9:00pm
Ovulation either CD 11 or CD 12.

1/26 progesterone level 75.5!!!!!!
2/2 negative blood test. Progesterone zero
******************
cycle #25 month 21
On a break due to 3 left over follies/cysts.
*******************
cycle #26, Month 22
150IU gonal F & double IUI
3/8 CD 6
Left 4 follies all 10 or 11mm
Right-1 at 11mm
E2-453-got some nice strong follies growing

3/9 CD 7-after 4 days of gonal f 150iu
Left-14mm, 12mm, 12mm, 11mm
Right-11mm, 11mm.

3/10 CD 8
Left-17.8, 16.6, 15.8, 15.4, 14.6
Right-14.8, 14.7
E2-1,031
Continue with 150IU
Started the Cetrotide today.

3/12 CD 10
Left: 20mm, 21mm, three 19mm, 15mm
Right: 18mm and 19mm
Trigger at 8:30 am
3/13 IUI 9:00 am 25 hours post trigger
3/14 IUI 9:00 am 49 hours post trigger
3/20 7 DPO progesterone 56!

3/26 AF found me late last night.
on to IVF.
***********
First IVF cycle
CD2 5/12 150IU gonal F
CD6 u/s & blood work after 4 days of gonal f 150iu
E2 512.7
follies = two 10mm, one 11mm and one 14mm.
CD 6 & 7 112.5IU gonal F & Cetrotide

5/18 CD 8 (6 days of stims)

E2 =568.0

Left: 15.54, 12.73k 13.32, 14.23
Right: 13.15, 16.64, 11.76, 10.32

5/20
Lining 8.96
E2 727
Left: 18.31, 14.70, 14.02, 17.39

Right: 22.08, 17.97, 15.84, 16.05

7 retrieved 1 crappy 6 good, 6 ICSI'd
3 fertilized
2 made it to day 3. 1 8cell grade 3 (H.I.P), 1 5 cell grade 2.
BFN

IVF#2

6/25 10 units of lupron
7/3-5 units of Lupron
7/5 225IU Gonal F
7/9-E2 162.7 continue w/ 225IU Gonal F

7/12- (6 days of FSH)
E=over 600
follies
R-zero :(
L-17.7, 16.54, 13.5, 11.23. :(

7/13 (7 days of stims)
L-two 20's one 16mm.
one 10mm and a few 8's on the right
Lining 14.4!
Trigger 9 pm
7/15=3 eggs retrieved
7/16=1 egg fertilized
Embryo stopped growing. Transfer Canceled.

If you look at the bolded text you will notice that with just about all of my cycles my follies were over 10mm and more towards 14mm. I'm shocked and amazed at how my body is presponding. I'm wondering if my doctor will actually have to increase my dosage. I have to admit I'm still a little nervous but happy that my body is stimming slower. I can't wait to see what the nurse has to say when she calls me with my instructions this afternoon!

Sad day

I just found out today that one of my friends on FF had a m/c. She is in my IVF buddy group we have all grown very close over the short period of time we have been a buddy group. I'm torn in side for her. I'm so sad. She has been TTC for over 5 years and this was her first time she ever got pregnant. She has decided to not post on FF any more (and I completely understand) but it won't be the same with out her.

Anyhow, I'm so sad. I really wish I could take her pain away. I would gladly give up my IVF cycle if it meant she could keep her baby. It just doesn't seem to be fair that she has to go through this after all she has been through. I can't even begin to relate to what she is feeling.

Plans for the week

I've decided that I needed to make a game plan for the next few weeks. Here is a copy of the post I made in my IVF buddy group on FF. Thought I'd post it here. I'm feeling a bit better then I did earlier today. I think what I need to do is have goals each day. Nothing long term. Like tomorrow my goal is to go to work then come home and finish my winter cleaning. I'm putting away summer stuff and taking out Winter stuff. My goal is to have the house clean by Wednesday. Because by then my E2 will be high (which means more mood swings), I'll probably be bloated and I want to be able to rest until my IVF is over.

My first u/s will tell me how many I'm more likely to get. I'm nervous that the higher dosage will just make my follie's grow faster but I know that won't happen. I'm really hoping for a 5dt. Regardless of how many follicles I have I just want a 5dt!! My RE wants 6 fertilized eggs in order to go for a 5d and I think that most of them have to make it to day 3 in order to push for a 5dt. I have my heart set on it even though I know I shouldn't. I just really want to see my embryo's get to that point. In a perfect world I'd like to see one or both hatching at transfer too. That way I at least know that they can make it through the shell. I know...I'm asking a lot aren't I? I say I want these things but I won't get my heart totally set on it because I don't want to be let down if it doesn't happen. I also know that a 5dt isn't necessarily better then a 3d either but I personally would just like to see my embryo's make it that far. Not to mention it's less of a wait.

Well I talked to DH about what we can do the next few weeks to make this cycle easier. I asked him to help out around the house and it was willing to do so but admitted that he'd have his face in a book most of the month because he has major projects coming up. SO I decided to bust my rump the next few days and tidy up the house. I'm going to do some cleaning. Put summer stuff away and get winter stuff out.

My anniversary is 11/7 so I also made sure he is going to do something nice for me. 11/7 is the day I have my first u/s so I hope that is good luck and not bad!!! I'm hoping for at least 10 follicles.

8 more days

Well AF finally came on Friday so I started my Gonal F injections on Saturday evening. I'm excited to begin but nervous too. I have mixed feelings. Approximately 7 - 8 more days of stims then I'll trigger for retrieval. My first ultrasound and blood work is on Wednesday. I guarentee my E2 is going to be over 500 and I'll have some follicles between 11 and maybe even up to 14mm. I'm hoping I stim at least 9 days this time (10 would be ideal) but I doubt it. I'll probably go 8 days if I'm lucky. I'm so nervous that the higher Gonal F dosage will just make my follies grow faster vs getting more. I'm sure that won't be the case but none the less I'm nervous.

I've been really crabby lately and I don't know how to snap out of it. I hate what my IF has done to me.

No AF yet

Well AF isn't here yet. :( That means I won't be able to start stims till Saturday and that is assuming AF shows up tonight or tomorrow. If she is not here by noon tomorrow I will call my Dr. and see what he wants me to do.

I have not felt well all day today. I'm hot and I've got the shakes (hard to explain) I also keep having weird pinching in my uterine area. I'm assuming AF is playing tricks on me because I've been on the pill for 3 weeks so there is no chance of pregnancy. Unless I was pregnant from last cycle but I doubt that since my progesterone was SOOOOO low and my follie was WAY to big and probably crap!!!

*sigh* I'm so frustrated. I hope she shows up tonight.

Primary Presentation

Well the primary presentation was this Sunday. It was beautiful but at one point I started to think about how how I don't have kids (I was picturing having a child up there even though mine would only be 18 months had we gotten pregnant right away). I couldn't help but cry. Poor DH didn't know what to do other then hold my hand and rub it.

I'm so ready for this journey to be over. Bring me my baby already!! I really really want this IVF to work. I don't think I could go through this a 4th time!

PMS

Stupid progesterone BCP. I've been having PMS for 24 hours now. It seems to be just getting worse. I flipped out a few times on my poor husband this morning. Now I'm at work and I can't seem to focus on work. I am having a hard time focusing on what I need to do. :(

I hate PMS. I'm starting to have doubts again about my IVF. I know it's just the PMS talking though. I take my last BCP on Sunday then the wait for AF begins. I'm really sick of this roller coaster. I really hope my next IVF works. I'd be due the very beginning of August (like the 3rd or something). It would be perfect. I'd love a summer baby.

I hate being in a bad mood.

Almost there

Well I officially ordered my meds. They will arrive on Friday. I still have some left over from my last IVF but since I pay $40 regardless of the quantity I filled the whole prescription. I will get 10 450iu Gonal F Pens. I still have ganerellix from IVF #1 so I didn't bother to fill those.

I take my last BCP Sunday evening. If I remember correctly I believe it takes 3 days for AF to arrive. Since I take them at night I'll expect AF on Thursday some time. Maybe even Wednesday. I'm hoping she holds out till Thursday.

I'm getting excited to cycle again.

Feeling better

I'm feeling a LOT better about my IVF cycle. I've been on the BCP for a week now. So far it makes me nauseous but that's ok I guess. Hard to believe that in 12 days I'll be starting the injectable meds. That reminds me...I have to order them. My nurse refuses to order me any more then I need for that cycle however it's a $40 co pay regardless of how many gonal f pens she orders me. I shouldn't complain because $40 is VERY cheap compared to what others pay but it still bothers me. My last doctor would let me order about 3 months worth. I have ganerallix from IVF #1 so all I'll need is the Ovidrel and Gonal F.

I can't wait to start and really hope the herbs have helped my egg quantity. (and quality) My doctor wants to only transfer 2 but I want to transfer 3. Technically I only had 1 failed IVF since IVF #2 I had nothing to transfer. If we do a 3dt I definitely want to transfer 3. if we do a 5dt and the embryo's are good quality then I'll do 2. I'm really hoping for a 5dt this time. My clinic requires 6 fertilized eggs in order to do a 5dt. it's quite annoying. I'd rather do a 5dt regardless of how many fertilize.

the "you are young" comments

This comment really irritates me. Not only do I get it from EVERYONE but I get it from my doctor. Now let's reflect back when our grandparents were young: Someone my age would be considered an old hag if they didn't have children (I'm 28) Our bodies are in their TTC prime in our twenties. Not in our 30's and I'm almost in my 30's. Your body starts to wind down once you get into your 30's. So please stop telling me I'm young. According to the US I am young. Because everyone here (almost everyone) waits till their mid 30's or early 40's to start trying to have children. Furthermore there is good reason why once you are 35 you only have to TTC for 6 months before you can seek fertility treatments.

This comment makes me mad but it makes me even more angry when my doctors say it. I think I'm going to have to politely tell him to please never say that to me again. There are tests he wont' do because I'm "young". Um well last time I checked I couldn't get pregnant so being "young" should have nothing to do with it. What if they did these tests and they didn't find a problem? the fact of the matter is it's my body and I have insurance that will cover anything I do. Therefore I should get the tests I want to get done...with in reason...doing simple blood work to check immunity shouldn't be an issue nor should doing an antral follicle count.

Needless to say I will be getting an antral follicle count one way or another. He told me to have my old doctor do one so that is what I'm doing.

This comment is almost worse then "just relax and you will get pregnant." Yeah I get that comment too.

what they don't know is I've been doing acupuncture for close to 6 months and I went to therapy for quite a few months for my infertility. I just decided to go back to therapy to help me get through IVF #3. This is not going to be easy for me. I hate the FSH drugs. they make me crazy. I also have a very hard time with having to be in control. With IVF you are NOT in control at all.

well I'm off to play the sims. At least there I'm a fertile mertile. :)

Why did I do this?

Why didn't I switch RE's when I was on a break. I gave my Re the benefit of the doubt and I still don't agree with how he is handling my cycle. He is not doing CD 3 bloodwork or u/s. He will not do an antral count because I'm "to young". Ok I'm "Young" then why am I not pregnant?!?!?! He is also not doing an u/s until I have been on stims for 4 days. I stim really quickly. By 4 days my follicles will be around 14mm (unless I'm lucky). If he really cared he would bring me in for an u/s after 2 or 3 days of stims. Unfortunately my follicles suck up the FSH and grow way to quickly. it's like he doesn't care. He just goes by the book. It's like I'm a number. Why oh why am I doing this again? I hate my doctor and I'm stuck with him till this cycle is over.

He said during my phone consult that we could do "what I wanted" but he won't do an antral and he won't bring me in earlier for an u/s. Does he even care about me? He sure as heck doesn't seem to. I'm so unbelievably angry. All my FF friends have told me since IVF #1 that I need a different doctor. Now I'm on IVF #3 and STILL with the same doctor. If this cycle doesn't work I'm going to a different RE. This is ridiculous. I can't stand him!

I can pretty much predict what will happen this cycle. I'm hoping since I have been on herbs for 3 months that my body will do something a tad bit different. Here is what my body normally does:

after 4 days of stims My E2 will be over 500 and I'll have 4-8 follicles. Some or one of them will be around 12-14mm. My Re will then lower my dosage.

I'll be lucky if I get 8 eggs. My ICSI rate is less then 50%. I have almost zero chance of a 5 day transfer if we don't get at least a dozen eggs.

My Re did up my dosage to 225 and I've never been on anything but 150 so I'm thinking we might end up getting more *crosses fingers*

I'm not looking forward to going through this again. I'm so glad I have my FF friends and my blogger buddy to go through this with.

on a good note we pick up our car today!!!

on to IVF #3

Well I got the results of my progesterone test today and it was 2.80. I know I ovulated (about 99% sure) but it was extremely week (like always) so AF should be here in a few days. I'll start the BCP for IVF on Sunday and end it on 10/28. I'll start stims on 11/2 and my estimated ER will be 11/13!

Well Jon and I found a car. Never in a million years did we picture ourselves getting a brand new car! We got a 2008 Toyota Carolla S edition for $16,000. I'm nervous spending that much on a car but oh well. We have the $3,000 from my car to put down on it so that will help. We'd have a lot more if we hadn't just paid for both our heating systems. At least they are done though!

Well time to relax!

Busy week!

I'm kind of tired so I'm going to try to make this quick.

It has been a busy week to say the least! Thursday morning I had to let my DH out so I moved my car out of the way then pulled back into the driveway. I then took a shower. When I got out of the shower I wanted to check my email. On the way to the living room I glanced out our door and noticed my car was not in the driveway. I freaked out and ran to the end of the driveway, looked both ways, (didn't see my car) then ran in side. I called my tenant (Sara) and asked if she knew what happened to my car. She had no idea. As I was on the phone with the police reporting my car stolen Sara yelled from out side "Oh my word your car is across the street and hit a house"

Apparently I didn't pull the ebreak (standard) and my car rolled down the driveway, scrapped my neighbors house, rolled across the street, ran over a bush and hit another house.

The cop came and took pictures then I went off to work (my car had scrapes on the side but that was about it).

Later that morning DH had a job interview for an internship with Liberty Mutual (he is a senior in college). He came to see me at lunch. Not only did he get the internship (which pays $18 an hour) but they also offered him a job!!! I'm so excited! Now we know what he will be making and it is exactly what we wanted/needed to be making to keep the same level of living we are at now.

Later that day (my car was at the shop getting a "grinding noise" checked) my insurance company called to tell me they had looked at my car and it was totaled by $40. I was shocked! Apparently the metal of the car (above the tire) was so rusted that it broke apart. Not only is it very expensive to fix but it would not pass inspection next year. He offered me $2,900 for my car (97 civic-it has been in quite a few accidents so it's not in the best shape) I was/still am shocked they offered me so much. I can either take the money and run (and get a newer car) OR he can change the estimate so my car won't be a "total loss". BUT I run the risk of the body shop taking longer then expected and if that happend they would end up having to deem it a total loss anyway. Since DH and I kind of wanted to get rid of my car we have decided to take the money. For now we can survive with one car but not for long.

Today was the first part of general confrence. Personally I liked the first session WAY better then the second. My favorite was the first session.
I can't remember his name but I LOVED the talk where he talked about all the woman in the scriptures that were barren and how they eventually concieved. I love how he ended by talking about Rebecca and how her husbands second wife (he had 2 wives) conceived easily but she couldn't. He kind of described her pain and ended by saying she finally conceived and had twin boys and that the "Lord did not forget Rebecca. And he won't for get you" (paraphrasing here) the whole talk ended up bringing me to tears. What really did me in was when DH had his arm around me and he just hugged me tight with his arm. I'm so thankful for the talk. I really feel as though the Lord was speaking to me...to all of us woman who are having struggles.

Well it's extremely late so I should get to bed.

My consult

Well my consult went well. I'm glad I talked to him because he didn't remember exactly what we had discussed. I am doing the same protocol as IVF #1 but a higher dosage of gonal f. He is starting me on 225iu. After 4 days of meds he will bring me in for blood work and an ultrasound. At that point he will probably lower my dosage of gonal f but he said I don't have to if I don't want to. he basically asked me what I wanted to do this cycle. I also opted to do 1/2 ICSI and 1/2 regular fertilization if we have at least 8 eggs retrieved. If we have less then 8 I will do ICSI on all of them. My fertilization rates with IVF #1 was 50%. With IVF #2 we only had 1 out of 3 fertilize. Average is about 70%. I'm curious to see if we have higher fertilization rates with natural vs ICSI. Typically that is not the case but I'm curious. If we have 6 embryo's we will do a 5dt. If I have less then that we will do a 3dt. He said either way we are transfering 2. If I do a 3dt I'm requesting 3 be transfered. If we do a 5dt I will put back two. I'm really hoping for a 5dt. IVF #1 one of my embryo's was perfect and they said I had a "high chance of implantation". Neither of the embryo's brought me a BFP. I want to see my embryo's get to the blast stage. I have a feeling that I will need to see them get that far so we can pick out the best. Just because it's best at day 3 doesn't mean it will be good at day 5.

all in all my doctor said to call him with any questions. My retrieval and transfer will be the week of my scheduled vacation so I will have to change that. OH well.

why do I keep doing this?

I honestly don't even know why I bother to try to conceive any more. This is ridiculous. This is my last break cycle before I do another IVF. I was hoping to give his cycle a good shot. I've been using OPK's and haven't gotten a positive so I went in for an u/s today to see how big my follicle was. By no surprise to me it was 28mm. The herbs have helped great with some aspects of my cycle but it has not helped regulate the growth rate of my follicles. Typically you should ovulate when your follicle is around 20mm. To much bigger can make your egg poor quality. Especially if it gets over 25mm. At this rate it will be well over 30 by the time I ovulate. Anyhow, I should be ovulating any day now (today or tomorrow) Of course DH and I were at a wedding this afternoon and when we got home he played on the computer and I watched TV. We went to bed at 11 (both of us exhausted). Needless to say we attempted to give it a good shot but I got frustrated. I'm so sick of this. I'm sick of being the one that has to track my cycle and bend over backwards to make sure we find time together with in the "fertile" window. I'm sick of having to time intercourse when I'm tired and not in the mood. (which unfortunately is often) I just rolled over and asked myself "what the heck is the point?!?" I mean even if I do time it perfectly this month...odds are my egg is crap. I mean I have done 2 IVF's in which I did not get pregnant so what on earth makes me think this is going to work? Why do I still hope? Why do I still believe we have a chance with out fertility drugs. This is completely ridiculous. I'm just so sad right now.

The one thing I do like about IUI/IVF is I don't have to worry about getting DH to find time to do the baby dance. The doctor controls my cycle. I thought that trying on our own for a few months would be less stress. Up until now it was. Granted it's MUCH less stress then IVF But I DON'T miss feeling this way. I feel lost. I feel hopeless. I feel like I have been robbed...robbed of the chance to just be able to get pregnant with out having to track my cycle, with out having to try to be in the mood, or get DH in the mood. I feel like I have been robbed the opportunity to have as many kids as I want. If I don't want to be having kids in my mid to late 30's then I won't be able to breast feed for very long. It just doesn't seem fair. I know that God did not do this to me and I know it doesn't mean I'm less of a person or not worthy but right now that is how I feel. What did I do in life to deserve this?

I'm just so sick of this. DH is sleeping right now and I'm awake. it's midnight and I have to get up to go to church tomorrow. I don't know how I'm going to be able to go to sleep tonight. I really don't miss this at all. This used to happen every single month when DH and I would try on our own. I'd get so frustrated when he was "to tired". I can't even count how many nights I was up past midnight crying out of frustration and despair. I'm just so depressed right now. As of right now I just want to throw in the towel.

ultrasound

Well I called the doctor that did my IUI's. When I first started going to her she started tracking my cycle via ultrasounds. She found that by CD 9 or 10 my follicle was already 20mm. (you should ovulate when your follie is around 20mm) Anyhow, I wouldn't ovulate for another 4 days. By that size my follies grow 3+ mm per day. If the follicle gets to big the egg gets "old" and is considered poor quality and hard to fertilize. Granted it isn't a guarantee that it's bad quality (can't tell unless you retrieve the egg and look at it) but most of the time that is the case. Anyhow, Now that i have been on herbs for almost 3 months (and acupuncture) I'm wondering if my body is doing the same thing. I called and talked to her and she is having me go in for an u/s tomorrow morning at 9 am. :) I'm excited to see if my body is acting more "normal" or doing the same thing. I also asked if I could go in for a progesterone test at 7 DPO because I've always had low progesterone when not on progesterone support. :) I'm excited to see what my lining is at as well.

If this cycle doesn't work Jon and I will be doing another IVF. I'm really hoping for a miracle of my own but I doubt that will happen.